What does letting go mean, and why is letting go so difficult? Well, if you’re ready to start letting go of the past then let’s talk! 😃
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What does letting go mean, and why is letting go so difficult? And how can you finally let go of the stuff that weighs you down?
If you’re ready to start letting go of the past then you’re in the right place… because that’s what I’m talking about this week here on Let’s Talk About Mental Health — the weekly podcast that makes mental health simple.
Ready to learn how to let go? Then, get comfortable and let’s talk!
Hello and welcome to Episode 238 of Let’s Talk About Mental Health, and thanks for joining me as I talk about letting go and mental health.
I’m Jeremy Godwin, and this isn’t your regular podcast full of interviews and random opinions. I’m a mental health counsellor and writer, and each week I look at one specific aspect of better mental health and I share simple and practical tips you can apply immediately, all based on quality research and my own experience of learning to live with anxiety and depression after a breakdown in 2011 that changed my life.
In this episode I’ll be talking about what learning to let go means, why you need to learn how to let go, and how to become better at letting go.
So, let’s talk!
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There’s some emotional stuff that can feel almost impossible to let go of, that we often tend to drag around with us like an overpacked suitcase on a discount holiday… but just like those excess baggage fees that will bite you in the butt at the check-in desk and almost send you bankrupt just so you can get that collection of crappy souvenirs home, the kind of emotional baggage we carry around really does weigh you down if you don’t do something about it and learn how to let it go.
Now, I talked about letting go four years ago, back in Episode 32, and I spent a lot of time in that episode exploring why we hold onto things… so this is the more practical, how-to-focused cousin of that episode; I’m going to be spending a fairly large chunk of the episode talking you through the practicalities of letting go of the thoughts, feelings and experiences that weigh you down.
Is that easy to do? No! Will it be hard work? Yes! Is it worth it? Absolutely! Because the more you learn how to let go, the better you can handle challenging emotions and memories if and when they arise (and since letting go is a process, that’s going to be extremely helpful… but more on that in a bit!).
Let’s first get ourselves on the same page with some definitions, and let’s talk about…
What learning to let go means
In a broad sense, learning to let go means releasing your mental grip on something that no longer serves you or brings you joy; that could be a grudge, a past mistake, an unrealistic expectation, or even a relationship that’s more draining than fulfilling. Essentially, it’s about freeing yourself from the emotional weight that’s dragging you down so you can figure out how to move forward with greater peace of mind.
When we talk about letting go on a practical level, I’m referring to the types of actionable steps you can take to ease your mind and lighten your emotional load. Practically speaking, it might mean accepting that you can’t change the past… so, rather than replaying that embarrassing moment from years ago on a loop in your mind, you acknowledge it, forgive yourself, and move forward.
It could also mean setting boundaries with people or situations that are negatively impacting you. For instance, if you’re constantly stressed by a friend’s behaviour, letting go might involve having an honest conversation with them or even distancing yourself from that friendship if necessary. It’s not about just cutting ties rashly, but about recognising when a situation or relationship is no longer beneficial and taking steps to address it.
On a more everyday level, letting go can be as simple as deciding not to stress over things outside your control like the weather, other people’s opinions, or the unpredictable curveballs that life throws your way sometimes. Instead, you consciously choose to focus on what you can control: your responses, your actions, and your mindset.
Learning to let go means recognising and processing your emotions rather than allowing them to build up and negatively impact your wellbeing. It’s about finding healthy ways to release pent-up feelings; maybe that’s through talking to a friend, working with a therapist, writing in a journal, engaging in simple mindfulness practices… whatever works for you.
It’s about feeling what you need to feel (because suppressing your emotions doesn’t work; trust me, I tried and it didn’t go so well because I ended up having a total breakdown!), but the piece here is to say OK, feel it, and understand what you feel and why (so you can learn what you need to learn), but don’t grab those emotions every time they pop up and ride them like you’re the star of the show at a rodeo; instead, it’s about learning to greet them as aspects of your past — as parts of your story — rather than refreshing the emotions and reliving them every single time they pop up (and I’ll come back to that in a bit).
Letting go is about acceptance; accepting the situation for what it is, rather than what you wanted it to be (or maybe even still want it to be) and choosing to use it as fuel to help you move forward. What’s done is done. There’s actually nothing there to hold onto; whatever you’re feeling, it’s just a memory, an idea, and it cannot be changed… only learnt from.
When our emotions about the past pop back up and say hello, we have no real control over that… but you do have control over what you do with it when it does pop up. You can either observe it and let it drift by, which helps it to simply pass, or you can turn your full attention to it, invite it round for coffee, dive back into all of the old hurt and pain associated with it, and just generally cause yourself a whole tonne of suffering that you, quite frankly, don’t need to… because it’s just a memory, and it isn’t real anymore because it no longer exists. It happened, it’s done, and it is what it is… because only the present moment truly exists.
I know that’s all incredibly philosophical — and if you haven’t had your first coffee of the day then my apologies if I’m making your brain hurt — but we tend to cause ourselves so much pain and suffering simply by holding onto emotions from stuff that happened years (or even decades!) ago… when the choice to let go is always there for you, ready for you to make whenever you decide.
Now, I will, however, just point out that ‘letting go’ doesn’t mean just forgetting about whatever happened or — worse yet — pretending it never happened at all, because that’s unhealthy and those emotions will come back and bite you at some point in the future. It’s the difference between just moving on, which is very much a mindset of, “OK, let’s just pretend that never happened!” versus consciously moving forward, which is more about having a “let’s acknowledge that happened and make our peace with it” type of mindset.
OK, so now let’s talk about…
Why you need to learn how to let go
And the short answer is that holding onto negative emotions makes you feel like crap… but since I’m a professional I had better give you a more professional answer than that, so here it goes:
When you hold onto negative emotions, grudges, or unrealistic expectations, they can (and will) fester over time and lead to stress, anxiety, or even depression. It’s like carrying around a heavy backpack filled with rocks — it unnecessarily weighs you down, and it’s not the greatest choice to be making when you could just let your rocks go.
When you let go of what’s harming your mental state, you’re not just dropping that heavy backpack; you’re giving yourself permission to move forward free of burdens. Like I said before, that doesn’t mean forgetting or pretending that issues never existed, but instead it’s about shifting your focus from what’s unchangeable to what’s within your power to improve.
Because no amount of going over the past will change it… so stop trying to change it, consciously or subconsciously. Instead, it’s about saying to yourself, “That’s something that happened, and it’s part of my journey; it helped me to get to where I am today (even if maybe I wouldn’t have chosen it for myself).”
Look, let’s not pretend letting go is easy because we all know it isn’t and I’m not going to blow smoke up your backside… but I tend to believe that we appreciate the things we have to work for a lot more, and that includes finding peace of mind and making your peace with the crap in your past. You know, I talk often about the breakdown I had and the few years I spent with severe depression and anxiety after that, and to hear me talk about it now you’d think I was all zen about it (and I have definitely learned how to embrace it all as part of my journey, because I wouldn’t be doing this podcast today without it!), but it took me a really long time to get to that headspace; it’s probably only really been in the last five years that I’ve been able to let go of the pain and just focus on the lessons, and so that took ages to get there… and that’s OK! We process things at our own pace and there’s no time limit on acceptance; I think even the fact that you’re listening to this podcast today is a sign that you obviously want better and that you want to learn how to let go, so that should be applauded because it’s a huge step forward… I mean, change is hard!
And, on that note, I’m actually launching a second podcast called Change Your Life! where, over 12 initial episodes, I’ll guide you through how to make practical, sustainable, lasting changes in your life; the first episode will be out on July 3, 2024 and you can find a link to the show in the description of this episode.
So, why is letting go so hard? Well, it’s because it challenges our deep-seated need for control, certainty, and attachment. Our brains are hard-wired to seek familiarity and stability, even if that means holding onto past pain or outdated beliefs. Our emotional ties to memories, people, or experiences can create a sense of identity and safety, making the prospect of release feel overwhelming and unsettling. Plus, letting go requires us to confront unresolved feelings and fears, which can be uncomfortable or even painful. And so all of this complexity makes the act of letting go a challenge, but it’s also a courageous choice to make for yourself because it involves stepping into the unknown and trusting that you can find peace and resilience beyond whatever you’re clinging to. Because you can! And, you will!
So, how do you do that? Well, let’s first take a quick break to hear from the brands who help me create this show each week…
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And welcome back! Now let’s get into the how-to part of today’s episode and let’s talk about…
How to become better at letting go
Alright, first, understand that letting go is a continual process — as in, it’s not something you do just once but rather many, many times. The good news is that it gets a little easier each time you do it, but it’s important to give yourself time and be patient because you won’t just magically let go of everything overnight (and that’s OK!).
Next, ask yourself why you’re holding onto the pain — what is it doing for you? Because it’s nothing good! Holding on is harder on you than letting go; it can feel like it’s almost safer to live with the pain because it’s familiar… but it’s actually causing you much more harm than good, so it’s time to give yourself permission to let it go so you can move forward with your life. You can start to do that by focusing on my next point…
Recognise and acknowledge your emotions — it’s important to understand what you’re feeling and why those feelings are surfacing, which can help you address the root cause of your distress. In the moment, instead of fighting it, notice what you’re feeling, label it, notice where you’re feeling it most strongly in your body, breathe deeply several times, then put your hands on the area to comfort yourself and the feeling (start small with this and build up, because it can be tough to do). You can also set aside time each day to reflect on your emotions, perhaps through journaling or meditation. When you name your emotions and the experiences linked to them, it reduces their power over you. This awareness is the first step towards releasing emotional baggage and finding peace; you’ll find a few minutes of daily reflection practice can make a huge difference to your mental health and general wellbeing, and I have some simple daily reflection tools available in my store, which is linked in the episode description or just head to ltamh.com. OK, next…
Return your focus to the present — there is nothing in that memory that can hurt you here in the present, because it’s just a memory of a past that has passed. Anchor yourself in the present by asking yourself: will anything you do change the past? And then allow yourself to focus on where you’re at now and how you’re going to move forward from this present moment in time. The easiest way to do this is to focus on your breath for a few minutes or to do some simple mindfulness practice. This is about consciously moving your thoughts out of the past and into the present, as well as towards the future you’re creating. Next…
Choose your response — look, you can just react to the emotion or the memory… but that then puts the emotion in the driver’s seat, not you (and the last time I checked it’s your life and that makes you the boss, not some punk memory from the past that no longer has any power over you!). Responding more thoughtfully means pausing, recognising that you’re having an emotional reaction, breathing through it for at least 10-15 seconds (longer if you can), then labelling what you’re feeling, followed by why you’re feeling it. I had one of these recently; I messaged an old friend who’s terrible at replying, I got one reply and then it was crickets and I was left on read… I spent a couple of days low-key annoyed by it until I finally forced myself to be honest about what I was really feeling so I could then let it go (rather than reacting from an overly-emotional place and sending a heated message, which I’ll admit I did think about when I was at the height of my ‘how very dare you!’ emotional reaction). Hear me when I say that reacting based on pure emotions rarely ever turns out well; give yourself time for your rational mind to get involved in the conversation so you don’t make a total mess of things! This is about recognising that if you want better then you need to do and be better. OK, next…
Look at the big picture — this may not apply to everything you’re dealing with, but try thinking about whether or not the situation or issue will matter in 10 years’ time; most of the time it really won’t, and it can help you to put your worries into the context of the bigger picture of life (I also find looking up at the clear night sky does that as well; to know that there’s so much more out there can make our troubles feel trivial, and I actually find that comforting because it reminds me how much we tend to obsess over stuff that really doesn’t matter in the scheme of things). You may also find it helpful to reflect on challenges you’ve had in the past and how you got through them, because that serves to show that you’ve overcome difficulties in the past and so you can (and will!) do it again. Alright, next…
Reframe — part of the difficulty in letting go is that we see memories and challenges as being these huge, insurmountable things, but by looking at them from a different angle we can change the way we feel about them; instead of ‘memories’, try calling them ‘lessons’… and instead of ‘challenges’, call them ‘opportunities’ — these are both much more positive ways to look at things, and that mindset shift can help you to find more positives. Next…
Show yourself kindness and compassion — instead of criticising yourself, which will often hold you back from letting go, you can choose to practice self-compassion by acknowledging your struggles without judgement, offering yourself words of encouragement, and being gentle with yourself when things go wrong. This approach allows you to release harsh self-judgements and embrace a more forgiving attitude towards your own imperfections. Next…
Limit your exposure to triggers — certain situations, people, or environments can trigger negative emotions tied to past experiences; limiting your exposure to these triggers helps because it reduces the likelihood of reactivating old wounds. Identify what triggers these emotions and make conscious choices to avoid or minimise contact with them; try setting limits on social media, avoiding specific conversations, or creating physical distance from certain people or places. By managing your exposure, you create a more positive and less reactive environment for yourself. Next…
Focus on what you can control — shifting your focus to what you can control, rather than what you can’t, helps to reduce feelings of helplessness and it empowers you to take proactive steps towards positive change rather than getting stuck in a cycle of worry and frustration. Try making a list of things within your control and taking small, actionable steps towards managing them like setting personal goals, organising your space, or developing new skills. By concentrating on what you can influence, you build a sense of agency and forward momentum. Next…
Write it out to get it out — instead of letting your thoughts and feelings go round and round in your head, grab a pen and paper and write and write and write until you can’t write anymore; the act of channeling your thoughts out of your head onto paper, via the pen, is like a cathartic release and it can help to clear your mind. Don’t bother reading what you write; just get rid of it when you’re done (you may even find it extra freeing to burn it… just please be fire safe!). OK, next…
Forgive yourself and others — OK, so forgiveness doesn’t mean condoning someone’s actions but rather freeing yourself from the hold those actions have over you, because holding onto grudges or guilt only prolongs your suffering. You can practice forgiveness by acknowledging your feelings of hurt or regret, understanding that everyone makes mistakes, and deciding to release those negative feelings. Try writing a letter (which you don’t need to send) or simply repeating a mantra of forgiveness. It’s a liberating process that lightens your emotional load, and I covered forgiveness in Episode 44. OK, next…
Create new memories — which is about consciously redirecting your energy towards building a fulfilling present and future. You can do this by engaging in activities you enjoy, spending time with loved ones, or trying out new hobbies (and this is also a big part of what my new podcast, Change Your Life!, is going to help you to do). Creating new experiences provides you with fresh perspectives and joy, gradually overshadowing the negative experiences you’re trying to let go of. Next…
Choose to find meaning in the experience — finding meaning in difficult experiences can help you let go by reframing them as opportunities for growth rather than just sources of pain, because it provides a sense of purpose and context to your struggles. Try reflecting on what you’ve learned from the experience and how it has shaped you positively; maybe it’s taught you resilience, empathy, or a new perspective. Embracing the lessons you’ve learned allows you to appreciate the value in your journey, making it easier to release the pain associated with it. OK, next…
Use affirmations — which are positive statements that can help reframe your mindset and reinforce your intention to let go, and they help counter negative self-talk and encourage a more optimistic outlook. Choose statements that resonate with you, like “I’m releasing what no longer serves me” or “I am open to new possibilities,” and repeat them daily, especially when you feel weighed down by negative thoughts. Next…
Seek professional support — sometimes, letting go requires more than personal effort, and professional support can be invaluable. Talking to a counsellor or therapist provides a safe space to explore your emotions and receive guidance on how to release them, and having someone to talk to who can offer objective insights and strategies can significantly ease the process of letting go.
Summary and Close-out
Because when it comes to learning to let go and mental health, what it all boils down to is this:
Letting go is more than just a mental exercise; it’s a journey towards inner freedom and a more fulfilling life. This isn’t about erasing your past but rather honouring it, and moving forward with greater clarity and lightness. Each act of letting go brings a renewed sense of peace and empowerment, making room for a future filled with possibilities. You’ve got the power to shape your journey — one step at a time. All you have to do is choose to let go of the stuff that’s weighing you down.
The choice is yours, as it is with all things related to your wellbeing… so, what choice will YOU make today?
Each week I like to finish up by sharing a quote about the week’s topic, and I encourage you to take a few moments to really reflect on it and consider what it means to you. This week’s quote is by Carl Jung, and it is:
“I am not what happened to me, I am what I choose to become.”
Carl Jung
Alright… that’s nearly it for this week.
How do you let go? If you’re on Spotify scroll down and share in the Q&A section below, otherwise let me know on Instagram @ltamentalhealth or by commenting on the transcript, which you can have delivered to your inbox each week, along with my newsletter Thursday Thoughts; sign up at ltamh.com or use the link in the episode description. And discover more mental health tips on my other Instagram account @itsjeremygodwin, plus become a paid supporter on Patreon for early access to ad-free episodes.
Next week I’ll be talking about discomfort.
One of the things that often holds us back from making progress is that creating change, or confronting our issues, is uncomfortable stuff, and our brains just want to keep us safe and cosy so… you know… it’s a real challenge! But embracing the discomfort is part of the process of growth, and so next time I’ll be talking about what discomfort is, why experiencing discomfort is necessary, and how to deal with discomfort so you can grow.
That episode will be released on the 7th of July, 2024, and I hope you’ll join me for it! Hit ‘follow’ on your podcast service and press the bell to turn on notifications so you never miss an episode.
Thank you very much for joining me today. Look after yourself and make a conscious effort to share positivity and kindness out into the world, because you get back what you put out. Take care and talk to you next time!
Let’s Talk About Mental Health is an independent program proudly produced by Reconnaissance Media. For more information visit reconnaissancemedia.com
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Let’s Talk About Mental Health.
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