219: Comparison and how it affects your mental health

What is comparison, and how does it affect your mental health? Why do we compare ourselves to other people? And how can you stop comparing yourself to others?

That’s what I’m talking about this week here on Let’s Talk About Mental Health — the weekly podcast that makes mental health simple. So, get comfortable, and let’s talk!

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Read the full episode transcript:

This podcast episode was originally released on 18 February, 2024.

Hello and welcome to Episode 219 of Let’s Talk About Mental Health, and thanks for joining me as I talk about comparison and mental health!

I’m Jeremy Godwin and this isn’t your regular podcast, full of interviews and random opinions. I’m a writer and mental health counsellor, and each week I look at one specific aspect of better mental health and I share simple and practical tips you can apply immediately, all based on quality research and my own experience of learning to live with anxiety and depression after a breakdown in 2011 that changed my life.

In this episode I’ll be talking about what comparison is, why it affects your mental health, and how to stop comparing yourself to others so much. 

So, let’s talk!

Introduction

Some of you may have heard me talk about Celeste Barber in past episodes; she’s an Australian comedian who posts videos of herself mimicking celebrities and influencers in a gently-ribbing type of way, completely unafraid to show her fantastic middle-aged self in an unflattering light as a way of kind-of peering behind the curtain of celebrity and showing how unrealistic it is. Anyway, the other week she posted a photo of herself next to a picture of a tall skinny model-type in her underwear, and herself in her own (much larger) underwear (with wobbly bits unashamedly on display), and the caption she had written was, “I’m on the right.” Now, I don’t know why that made me laugh as hard as I did and for as long as I did (I was still snickering about it three hours later) but I love that Celeste made sure we wouldn’t ‘accidentally’ confuse her with the other picture while comparing the two images. It’s a simple-yet-powerful statement about how much comparison goes on online, especially when it comes to the way someone looks.

Social media is, of course, one of the most common places that you’ll tend to find comparisons run rampant (actually, I think that might be a total understatement!), however the pressure to look, act or think a certain way comes at us from multiple angles in all areas of our lives; just turn on the TV and you’ll be bombarded with images of beautiful people living exciting lives, or the super-rich being effortlessly carefree. For some of us, depending on what’s going on in our lives and in our heads, it can lead to a sense of missing out or a feeling that we need to live a specific way in order to be happy.

Which, of course, is utter nonsense.

We’re all individuals, with our own unique life experiences, and so it’s physically impossible to compare ourselves to someone else because you’ll never have the exact same skills, abilities, attributes and circumstances as any other person on the planet; I mean, hell, even identical twins aren’t completely identical (and I’ve left a link to an article by Canada’s McGill University in the transcript about that topic in case you’re interested; the transcript is linked in the episode description). So, instead of wasting your time comparing yourself to someone who you can never be, you’re better off focusing on being true to yourself and learning how to embrace all the unique and quirky traits that combine to make you the individual that you are.

I’m probably getting a bit ahead of myself, so let’s take a moment to go through some definitions and let’s talk about… 

What is comparison?

Generally-speaking, comparison is the act of measuring yourself or your circumstances against others. It’s that thing of looking at an individual, or a group of people, and focusing on whether or not you ‘measure up’ against them. It’s like in the movie Mean Girls (original or remake, your pick) where Cady, Janis and Damian are simultaneously repulsed by and obsessed with The Plastics; there’s a whole bunch of comparison and pent-up resentment there sitting underneath everything (and, funnily enough, I covered resentment recently in Episode 216). 

When we talk about comparison, we’re essentially looking at how we measure our self-worth and happiness based on what we perceive in others. But of course the fact is that it doesn’t give an accurate reading of your own situation or take into account the bigger picture, like the opportunities and experiences the other person has had that led them to the point they’re at.

Whether it’s online or in real life, comparison is like being in a never-ending race where the finish line keeps moving… because there’s always going to be someone ahead of you in life. That’s just the way it goes. Someone will always have more or have achieved more, and the problem with falling into a comparison trap is that there will always be someone else who you feel inadequate next to, whether that’s in terms of their success or intelligence or money or knowledge of Spice Girls trivia or whatever.

Let me share a quick story from my childhood to explain what I mean; before I do, a super-fast overview of the Australian school system in case you’re unfamiliar. Our primary schools run up to Year 6 (which is when you’re about 11 or 12), and then high school is Years 7 to 12. OK, so when I was in the last few years of primary school I was a high performer and there was this other kid who I always felt like I was in competition with; sometimes he’d beat me in tests by just one point and I would take it to heart, because I was young and being praised for being smart had become a big part of my identity (bearing in mind things at home were becoming terrible at this stage, so I didn’t really have a lot of positive stuff going on). Then at the end of Year 6, and to my actual great surprise, I was awarded Dux of the school (in other words, the top pupil) and I realised afterwards that I had spent so long comparing myself to this other kid that I actually genuinely had no real idea of how well I was performing, and all I could see were my perceived failures in comparison to his successes.

Look, this isn’t a story for me to gloat about my IQ — trust me, I didn’t do much with it back then: straight after that I went to high school, puberty kicked in, my home life turned to crap and I rebelled against everything, spending several years barely scraping a pass in most subjects, so I was hardly at risk of repeating that level of performance again during my high school years! — but the point I’m making is this: comparing yourself to others actually distracts you from all the good stuff you have to offer the world. It’s physically impossible for you to be identical to another person… so instead of worrying about your differences, the healthier choice is to focus more on your unique attributes and learn to celebrate them. 

Now, in mental health terms, comparison can be a sneaky troublemaker. When you constantly compare yourself to others, you often end up feeling inadequate, anxious, or even depressed. It’s like trying to fit into someone else’s shoes — they’ll probably be the wrong size, and you’ll just end up with sore feet. 

When you compare yourself to others, your self-esteem takes a hit and you forget the most important fact of all: for each of us, our journey through life is unique… and it’s that uniqueness that we bring to the table, and that helps us to find purpose and meaning.

When you compare yourself to others, you forget to celebrate who you are and to acknowledge your own wins in life, instead focusing on the ‘highlight reel’ of others. But guess what? Life is about embracing your own path, with all its twists and turns.

Comparison is that little voice in your head that says, “Why can’t you be more like that?” or “If you were like them, you’d be so much better!” But always remember that you’re fantastic just the way you are!

OK, so now let’s talk about… 

Why comparison affects your mental health

Comparison can lead to a range of fairly-negative emotions and behaviours. For example, constantly comparing ourselves to others can lead to feelings of inadequacy, jealousy, and low self-esteem. We might start questioning our own abilities, thinking we’re not good enough because we don’t match up to someone else’s achievements or lifestyle.

Beyond that, it can fuel a never-ending cycle of ‘keeping up with the Joneses’ (or the Kardashians, if you really like drama and plastic surgery); I’m talking about a vicious cycle where you chase external validation, possessions, or status symbols, thinking they’ll make you happier. Spoiler alert: they often don’t, and it’s kind-of like chasing the rainbow’s end — in other words you find yourself constantly pursuing something unattainable or unrealistic, and that can lead to anxiety, disappointment and even depression.

Comparing yourself to others can also make you overly critical of your own flaws and imperfections, which isn’t exactly a great recipe for self-compassion and mental well-being. It’s like constantly inspecting a vase for cracks instead of stepping back and appreciating its beauty as a whole.

I made a decision in the early days of this podcast, and from the start of my YouTube channel, not to consume any content by other creators doing the same or similar work as I do… because what’s the point? I am not them, and they are not me… and a big part of what I do involves bringing both my professional and personal experiences into my work, and both of those things combine to make me unique. I mean, I do research and learn how to get better at what I’m doing… but I don’t need to watch or listen to other people in my niche to do that. 

Avoiding or reducing comparison is like giving your mental well-being a breath of fresh air. It removes that constant doubt and self-criticism, and replaces it with greater confidence and self-belief. It helps you to be more authentic and to let yourself be yourself, without question or apology.

Learning to let go of comparisons fosters gratitude, helping you to appreciate what you have much more and cultivating a positive mindset. And it reduces stress, because comparing yourself to others often leads to unnecessary stress and anxiety. 

Letting go of comparisons gives your self-esteem a much-needed boost, because when you stop measuring your worth against others you can start appreciating your own abilities and achievements a lot more. 

Reducing comparison allows you to shift your attention towards self-compassion and self-care, which are essential for your mental well-being, and it can reduce negative self-talk, not to mention negative thoughts and feelings that can contribute to anxiety and depression.

And, most importantly, letting go of the need to constantly compete or compare creates space for greater peace of mind, helping you cope better with life’s challenges.

So, how do you do all that? Well, let’s first take a quick break to hear from the brands who help me create this show each week…

AD BREAK

And welcome back! Now let’s get into the how-to part of today’s episode and let’s talk about… 

How to stop comparing yourself to others so much

OK, so let’s start with cultivate your self-awareness — because being self-aware is like a compass when it comes to comparison; it helps you to reorient your focus away from what other people are (or are not) doing, and instead back towards yourself… since you’re in full control of your own words and actions, so you can choose to either worry about being something or someone that you’re not or you can choose to focus on being the best version of yourself possible (while still recognising that we all have plenty of room to grow, and so making your personal development a top priority every day). Even just being able to recognise when you’re comparing yourself to others helps enormously, because awareness is the first step towards change. You can do this by regularly checking in with yourself, writing down your thoughts and feelings, and paying attention to triggers that set off comparison. OK, next…

Embrace self-compassion — because self-compassion is like giving yourself a warm hug when you need it most. It involves treating yourself with the same kindness and understanding that you’d (hopefully!) offer to a friend, and it helps because it counteracts the types of self-criticism that often accompanies comparison. You can do this by practicing positive self-talk, acknowledging your imperfections without judgment, and treating yourself kindly during tough times. I talked about how to improve your self-compassion in Episode 153, so check that out for more on the topic. Alright, so my next point is a big one and it is…

Limit your social media exposure — because social media can be a murky and feral breeding ground for comparison, can’t it?! And besides that, it’s not really that social, is it?! Limiting your exposure to social media platforms and being smarter about when and how you use them helps because it reduces the constant stream of curated lives and highlight reels; bear in mind that a lot of people are presenting a very one-dimensional and highly-produced version of their lives, and what you’re seeing very well may not be reality. It’s like those influencers who take a photo of themselves in a business class seat on a plane before they then go and settle into their assigned economy seat, making it look like they’re travelling in style when the reality is much less glamorous… or that recent one with the influencer who was being filmed cleaning up rubbish on a beach, and then when her little ‘totally natural and spontaneous’ video shoot was done she just dumped the plastic trash bag full of rubbish on the sand and walked off; there’s an account on Instagram called @influencersinthewild where people submit their footage of influencers doing influence-y things out and about (like taking pictures of themselves in public places wearing very little)… it’s amusing for about three minutes but I have to admit I unfollowed very quickly because it actually made me have far too many opinions, and I ended up being like an old man shouting things at the young people like, “Get off the road!” and “Leave those people alone!”… so, yes, I am officially old now! Anyway, back to the point I was making… what was it again? Oh that’s right, limiting your social media usage (or at least being a lot more mindful of how you approach it). There are lots of ways to do this: try setting specific times for social media use (which is what I do), think carefully about what you post and what it says about you (I stopped posting anything other than content related to my work, and I refuse to feel pressured to do what everyone else is doing online). You can also (and should) unfollow accounts that trigger negative feelings or that make you start comparing your life to theirs, or feeling inadequate or pressured to look and act a certain way, and you can also choose to consciously remind yourself each time you open one of the apps that what you see online isn’t the full picture; for the most part, it’s people performing for likes and validation. Remind yourself that you’re viewing carefully curated content. Approach it with a critical eye, and don’t forget to curate your own feeds to align with your values; you’re in control of what you see and don’t see, not the almighty algorithm (for example, when I go on Instagram I filter it by accounts I follow and I only go through that; no general feed, no Explore page… that way, I’m in more control of what ends up bombarding my eyeballs). Oh, and a good tip is to limit the time you spend on social media platforms to prevent mindless scrolling and excessive comparison; I do about 20 minutes in the morning and 10 minutes in the evening, which might sound like a lot still but I use it specifically as a source of inspiration as well as a way to unwind with far-too-many cat videos or funny fashion memes. OK, so after that massive rant let’s talk about another tip which is…

Learn to celebrate your story — you are unique, and nobody in this world has the same life story as you do… even your siblings (if you have them) aren’t exactly the same as you! And so that means you have something valuable and unique to offer the world. Why do you think I share so much of my personal story here in this podcast? I mean, OK, fine, partly it’s because it’s like having a second therapist but for free (and let me tell you how good it feels to say things out loud that I used to keep hidden), but I also do it because my story is unique and so there’s plenty that I can potentially share with others; I’ve had many of you contact me because you relate to the family challenges I’ve had, or to my previous life in the corporate sector, or to my issues with alcohol in the past, or whatever… the point is that there’s nobody like you, so instead of trying to be something or someone else just go ahead and be you — the more you do that, the more you’ll feel comfortable in your own skin and the more you’ll be able to grow in a positive way. Speaking of that, my next tip is…

Focus on your own personal growth — shifting your focus from external validation to your own personal growth journey helps you to measure success based on your progress, and not someone else’s. You’ll never be able to do exactly what someone else has done, because we all have our own unique attributes, so you need to find a way to grow that works specifically for you. Do that by setting realistic personal development goals for yourself, learning new skills, and regularly reflecting on your growth (and, by the way, I covered goals in Episode 209). OK, next… 

Unplug regularly — continuing on from my earlier ramble about social media, choose to take regular breaks from screens and technology to help you reconnect with the real world. This is a really simple way to regain your perspective and to reduce the impact of online comparison. Another way is with my next tip… 

Surround yourself with positivity — comparison doesn’t just happen online; it’s rife in the real world as well, especially where we’re exposed to people who leave us feeling inadequate or who treat us poorly. You know what? Those people suck, and you need to remove them from your life; you want to spend time with people who uplift and support you, and who celebrate you for you (instead of trying to make you into someone or something you’re not). Positive relationships can go a long way towards counteracting the negative effects of comparison. Next…

Accept your imperfections — understand that imperfections are part of being human, because nobody is perfect… and don’t let overly-airbrushed or heavily-filtered images make you forget that we’re all human, and we all look like crap when we wake up in the morning! Embrace your imperfections as unique aspects of yourself… like the quirks that make you, well, you! Next…

Focus on your strengths — concentrate on your unique strengths and talents, and learn to celebrate them. Acknowledge your abilities and cultivate them further; the more you develop your strengths, the more confident you’ll feel and the less you’ll be inclined to compare yourself to others. OK, next…

Celebrate small wins — this is like filling your life’s journey with joyful little pit stops, and it reminds you of your accomplishments… no matter how minor they may seem. You can do this by acknowledging and celebrating even the tiniest achievements, whether it’s completing a project or simply getting out of bed on a challenging day. Next…

Seek support — if you struggle with feelings of comparison then sharing with a trusted friend or therapist is like removing a heavy weight from your chest. Talking it out can provide clarity and emotional support so try opening up to someone you trust, joining support groups, or seeking professional counselling if needed.

And for more tips on how to stop comparing yourself to others, watch my latest video; it’s out now on YouTube and Spotify, and it’s linked in the episode description.

Summary and Close-out

Because when it comes to comparison and mental health, what it all boils down to is this: In a world where comparison often casts shadows on our self-esteem and mental well-being, there are lots of ways to refocus on self-acceptance and personal growth. Your journey is uniquely yours, and your worth isn’t determined by how you stack up against others. So, this is your sign to embrace all the beautiful imperfections that make you who you are… and to choose to find inspiration in your own unique journey through life, free from comparison.

The choice is yours, as it is with all things related to your wellbeing… so, what choice will YOU make today? 

Each week I like to finish up by sharing a quote about the week’s topic, and I encourage you to take a few moments to really reflect on it and consider what it means to you. This week’s quote is by an unknown author, and it is:

“Comparison is a reflection of insecurities, not reality.”

Unknown

Alright… that’s nearly it for this week.

What are you taking away from this episode? If you’re on Spotify you can answer in the Q&A section below, otherwise you can let me know on Instagram @ltamentalhealth or by commenting on the transcript, which you can have delivered to your inbox each week, along with my newsletter Thursday Thoughts; sign up at ltamh.com or use the link in the episode description. And for more tips follow me on my other Instagram account @itsjeremygodwin, and support my work plus get early access to ad-free episodes on Patreon. 

Next week I’ll be talking about friendship breakups. We tend to see a lot of conversation and advice around what to do when a romantic relationship ends, but when it comes to friendships? Not so much! The end of a relationship with a friend can be just as tough as any other relationship breakdown — maybe even more so, depending on the circumstances — and yet we just don’t talk about them enough… so I’m doing something about that (after many requests to cover this topic) and it’s what I’ll be covering next time! I’ll be talking about what friendship break-ups are (and why they happen), why they affect us so much, and how to navigate your way through the end of a friendship while also taking care of your mental health.

I hope you’ll join me for that episode, which will be released on Sunday the 25th of February, 2024.

Thank you very much for joining me today. Look after yourself and make a conscious effort to share positivity and kindness in the world, because you get back what you put out. Take care and talk to you next time!

Jeremy 🙂

Let’s Talk About Mental Health is an independent program proudly produced by Reconnaissance Media, helping you find gratitude and meaning. For more information visit reconnaissancemedia.com

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The information provided in this episode is for general awareness on the topic and does not constitute advice. You should consult a doctor and/or a mental health professional if you are struggling with your mental health and wellbeing. You’ll find additional information on the Resources page of this website.