Why do we make excuses sometimes? How does making excuses impact your mental health? And how can you stop making excuses, so you can start taking greater ownership in your life?
That’s what I’m talking about this week here on Let’s Talk About Mental Health — the weekly podcast that makes mental health simple. So, get comfortable, and let’s talk!
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Read the full episode transcript:
This podcast episode was originally released on 17 March, 2024.
Hello and welcome to Episode 223 of Let’s Talk About Mental Health, and thanks for joining me as I talk about excuses and mental health!
I’m Jeremy Godwin, and this isn’t your regular podcast full of interviews and random opinions. I’m a mental health counsellor and writer, and each week I look at one specific aspect of better mental health and I share simple and practical tips you can apply immediately, all based on quality research and my own experience of learning to live with anxiety and depression after a breakdown in 2011 that changed my life.
In this episode I’ll be talking about what excuses are, why excuses can be harmful, and how to stop making excuses.
So, let’s talk!
Introduction
As you may know I recently quit making weekly videos for YouTube, and when I tell you just how long it took for me to finally make that decision, and the number of excuses I made to myself about why I wasn’t ready to make that decision, well… I’m exhausted just thinking of all the justifications that went round and round in my head. Spoiler alert: the thing holding me back from making that big change was fear, and when fear and insecurity gets a hold of your thinking it can be the perfect recipe for excuses, excuses, excuses… but, of course, excuses don’t get you anywhere in life except for either stuck or left behind.
It’s like when there’s some sort of lifestyle change you need to make, such as eating better or moving your body more (two things I tend to be a world champion at making excuses to avoid); it’s never terribly easy to do the difficult things or make big changes in your life, but all that happens when you make excuses to avoid change is that you end up putting off the inevitable need to change until a later date (by which point, the original issue is probably going to be 10 times worse than if you had acted earlier).
If, like me, you’re prone to making excuses sometimes then I hope you’ll find this episode helpful, since I’m going to be sharing tried-and-tested ways to ditch the rationalisations based on not only quality research but also the stuff that my own therapist has been teaching me in order to make lasting positive changes.
First let’s get ourselves onto the same page with some definitions, and let’s talk about…
What are excuses?
OK, so, in its simplest form, an excuse is a reason or explanation that we put forward to defend or justify a mistake, a missed opportunity, or a lapse in judgment. It’s like saying, “I couldn’t help it,” or “It wasn’t my fault because this happened or that didn’t happen…” and it’s a way of avoiding taking responsibility for our actions or decisions. I mean, we’ve all been there, haven’t we? Who hasn’t made an excuse at some point or another in their life?! I think we do it because coming up with a reason seems to take the weight off our shoulders and place it somewhere else — whether that’s on the circumstances, on other people, or even on fate or destiny.
Making excuses is a common human behaviour, and we often use it as a coping mechanism to avoid facing challenging tasks, uncomfortable situations, or confronting personal issues. Here’s the thing though: while it might offer a bit of temporary relief or comfort, regularly making excuses can have a profoundly negative impact on your mental health and overall wellbeing, because it doesn’t get you anywhere. Excuses don’t push you forward; all they do is keep you stuck.
Here’s the problem with excuses: all you can control in this world is yourself, and more specifically your words and actions, and yet when we make excuses we’re really not reflecting that control, because with control over our own words and actions comes responsibility for our own words and actions. You know, I’ve talked openly in this podcast about the issues I’ve been having with controlling my trauma responses, which tend to manifest heavily through emotional eating, and yes of course I have enough self-compassion to recognise the source of my issues… but it’s not the trauma putting that slice of cake in my mouth, is it? It’s me. I’m the puppeteer, not the puppet, and so I’m ultimately in control of the show that is my life… just as we all are.
Now, when we zoom in a bit closer and explore excuse-making in the context of mental health, things get a bit more nuanced. Making excuses can often be a coping mechanism, a way to shield ourselves from the discomfort of failure, rejection, or even our own expectations. It’s human nature to seek the path of least resistance, and facing up to our shortcomings or challenges head-on can be confronting, so we might find ourselves saying things like, “I’m just not good at this,” to avoid the discomfort of trying and failing.
But the problem with that is that while making excuses might offer a bit of temporary relief from the discomfort, it also hampers your growth and wellbeing in the longer run. It can create a barrier to personal accountability, making it harder for you to see your own role in your successes and failures. If I had a dollar for every time I’ve talked to someone (professionally) about their ability to re-shape and transform their life, and been met by excuses and a metaphorical brick wall the height of a skyscraper, well… I would have a lot of dollars. Don’t ask me exactly how many, but it would be a lot! This kind of lack of self-awareness in your ability to shape your own destiny, or lack of belief in it (or both, as the case may be), can lead to a cycle of repeated mistakes and missed opportunities for growth.
And it isn’t just about you and your own life, either; in relationships, excuse-making can erode trust and authenticity, as it often masks our true feelings and intentions, potentially leading to communication issues, unresolved conflicts, and resentment.
And on top of that, from a mental health perspective, habitual excuse-making can contribute to a sense of helplessness and a victim mentality. It can prevent you from recognising and harnessing your power to effect change in your life, leaving you feeling like you’re at the mercy of destiny… which you’re not, since you have agency over what you do and don’t do with your life. This sort of defeatist and pessimistic mindset can have a hugely damaging impact on your overall wellbeing, leading to feelings of stagnation and dissatisfaction, and even contributing to anxiety and depression.
So, while making excuses is a common and understandable human behaviour, it’s absolutely crucial to recognise when this habit starts to impact your mental health and wellbeing negatively. Shifting away from excuse-making towards a mindset of personal accountability and growth can open up an entire world of possibilities for your personal development, for healthier relationships, and for genuine happiness. It’s about embracing the idea that, while you might not always have control over your circumstances, you do have control over your responses to them… and that’s a very powerful starting point for any journey towards better mental health and a more fulfilling life.
OK, so now let’s talk about…
Why excuses can be harmful
And, to be honest, I’ve probably already made this point but far be it from me to miss an opportunity to re-state something I feel quite passionately about, so here goes! Making excuses can be harmful in lots of different ways, affecting both your personal growth and your mental health, and the main challenge is that excuses don’t serve to push you forward; in fact, they’re just a way of avoiding the truth… and that’s never a particularly healthy thing.
In a broad sense, making excuses stifles your growth, erodes trust in your relationships, and limits your potential. It’s like running on the spot; you’re expending energy, but you don’t actually progress. The habit of making excuses can create a false sense of security, where you might feel protected from immediate consequences but, paradoxically, find yourself constrained by the very walls you’ve erected to protect you. Being reluctant to push boundaries and own up to your actions leads to a stagnant life, where true growth and understanding of your capabilities are constantly just out of reach; it’s the reason why I talk so often in this podcast about the importance of honest reflection and genuine self-awareness, because that then leads to real authenticity and self-determination… and, you know, frankly, excuses are like the opposite of authenticity. I mean, I know the truth can be a total pain in the backside sometimes, especially when the honest truth is less-than-ideal, or where it maybe even has the potential to make things messy, but it’s better than the alternative which is living a life weighed down by the pressure of excuses, avoidance and regret.
When it comes to your mental health, habitual excuse-making can have a profound impact on you… and not in a good way. It fosters a victim mentality, impeding your self-awareness and getting in the way of your growth as a human being, potentially contributing to stress, anxiety, and a decline in your self-esteem. By constantly deflecting responsibility, you deny yourself the opportunity for introspection and self-improvement, trapping yourself in a pattern of helplessness and self-deception (and, by the way, I covered patterns last week in Episode 222). This feeling of being trapped not only prevents you from confronting and resolving underlying issues, but it also chips away at your sense of self-worth, because it means there’s this kind of deep disconnect between your actions and your knowledge of those actions, which then eats away at your confidence and authenticity… which is a really nice and professional way of saying that being full of crap, and knowing you’re full of crap, feels really crappy!
So it might seem easier to make excuses in the short term, but the piece here is to really think about the longer-term consequences of going straight into excuse-mode and trying to vindicate or justify yourself… because it will often cause more issues in the future. A little pain now can prevent a whole world of torment in the future (and, besides that, it’s just a far more authentic way to live). Acknowledging and embracing your truth, despite the discomfort it may bring, offers a path to real growth and genuine self-discovery.
So, how do you do all that? Well, let’s first take a quick break to hear from the brands who help me create this show each week…
AD BREAK
And welcome back! Now let’s get into the how-to part of today’s episode and let’s talk about…
How to stop making excuses
OK, so let’s start with take some time to reflect — and regular listeners will know how often I recommend starting with some reflection, since it has a huge positive impact on your self-awareness! Tackling the habit of making excuses requires a blend of self-reflection, honesty, and proactive steps towards change, and it’s that self-reflection piece that plays the biggest role (well, alongside being honest with yourself… because deceiving yourself only makes things worse!). Think about what I’ve been discussing in this episode and consider how you relate to the whole excuse-making piece. Do you tend to make excuses often? Do you struggle with taking accountability, or do you try to avoid conflict or confrontation so it’s just easier to make an excuse and try to escape an awkward or uncomfortable situation? Do you make excuses to others? Do you tend to make excuses to yourself? The focus here is to just sit with these questions, and the idea of excuse-making, and consider how it shows up for you, as well as what impact it has on your life and your relationships, either at home or at work (or both), so that you can then identify what you need to work on. If this whole reflection thing is a bit unfamiliar or uncomfortable for you then I’d recommend using my Daily Reflection and Planning Tool to explore it further, plus I have a sort-of Masterclass coaching session video that can help you to get the most out of your daily reflection practice and improve your mental health in just 15 minutes a day; if you buy the digital tool and the video together it’s currently 20% off for a limited time, so check it out at the link in the episode description or head to my website at ltamh.com. OK, so my next point is…
Be honest with yourself — look, the last thing any of us wants or needs is to start deceiving ourselves and setting off a soap-opera-style war in our heads between the sweet and honest version of you versus the over-the-top villain version, intent on getting away with their evil plans whatever the cost (you can tell I was raised on a steady diet of trashy soap operas, can’t you; I used to think Amanda from Melrose Place was the textbook role model for corporate success, but that’s a conversation for another day!). I think the easiest way to look at it is this: as Her Royal Highness, Britney Spears, once pointed out, if you want a hot body, then you better work… excuses will deliver you neither a Bugatti nor a Maserati! OK, for some reason I’m now trapped inside a Britney lyric, so let me try and get back to my point (which I’m sure is buried in here somewhere)… the thing is that you know, deep down inside, that excuses won’t get you anywhere, so it’s about being honest with yourself and challenging yourself if and when you start making excuses. And so that leads to my next tip…
Acknowledge your excuses — and this is that self-honesty thing coming back into play again, by choosing to recognise when you’re making an excuse which brings awareness to patterns of avoidance or denial, and it gives you an opportunity to think about why you might be making excuses in the specific situation you’re in. Think about your actions and the reasons behind them, and when you catch yourself rationalising or blaming external factors for your inactions, just pause and acknowledge that you’re making an excuse and take a moment to consider (without judgement) how you want to proceed. OK, next…
Identify and challenge limiting beliefs — many excuses stem from deep-seated limiting beliefs about our capabilities, worth, or what we think we do or don’t deserve, and these beliefs can be so ingrained that we’re not even consciously aware of them. Think about patterns in your excuses that might hint at underlying beliefs. For example, if you often find yourself saying, “I’m just not good at this,” ask yourself why you believe that. Is it based on past experiences, or perhaps something you were told growing up? Once you’ve identified a limiting belief, actively challenge it and work on reframing it by replacing negative beliefs with more positive and realistic ones. Next…
Develop self-discipline — and this is a way of sticking to your commitments even when it’s tempting to make excuses. Start with small commitments to yourself and gradually increase the challenge; for example, my therapist has me focusing on my food choices one day at a time, and it’s far less overwhelming than trying to change everything all at once, making it easier to stick to better choices and also easier to get back on track if I fall off the wagon for one day. Remember to celebrate your successes to reinforce positive behaviour, and be mindful that consistency in this practice helps builds a strong foundation of self-discipline that makes excuses less appealing. OK, next…
Choose to embrace failure as a learning opportunity — changing your perspective on failure can significantly reduce excuse-making, because when you view failures as lessons rather than setbacks it makes you more willing to try again without the fear of making mistakes. Each time you drop the ball, ask yourself what you can learn from the experience and how you can improve, then apply what you’ve learned and keep moving forward. OK, next…
Embrace vulnerability — behind many excuses is a fear of vulnerability; of being seen as inadequate, or failing in front of others. Learning to embrace vulnerability as a strength rather than a weakness can profoundly impact your tendency to make excuses; it’s why I share so many of my own issues and failures here in this podcast. Embracing our imperfections and allowing ourselves to be genuinely seen can lead to more meaningful connections and a stronger sense of belonging, so start small by sharing your goals and the fears or challenges associated with them with someone you trust. Next…
Develop your compassion — and by that I mean being compassionate towards others and, most importantly, towards yourself, especially in instances of failure or when you notice something you dislike about yourself. Instead of being harsh and critical (which often leads to making excuses as a defence mechanism), practicing self-compassion helps you to acknowledge your mistakes and shortcomings with kindness and understanding. Extend this compassion to others as well, recognising that everyone has their struggles and shortcomings, which can create a less judgmental and more understanding mindset, further reducing the impulse to make excuses or to compare yourself with other (and I covered comparison in Episode 219). OK, next…
Focus on your ‘why’ — keeping your reasons for pursuing a goal at the forefront of your mind can reduce the appeal of making excuses, so remind yourself why the goal is important to you and the benefits of achieving it; this can help maintain your motivation and resilience when obstacles arise. Visual reminders, like reminder notes or vision boards, can be simple ways to keep your ‘why’ in clear view. Next…
Confront your fears — instead of letting your fears take over, confront them directly. Ask yourself, “What’s the worst that could happen?” and then rationalise those fears; try asking your brain to come up with evidence to support its theory (because fear tends to be terrible at providing any hard evidence to justify its existence!). Often, you’ll find that the fear of failure or rejection is not as catastrophic as your mind makes it out to be, reducing the psychological need to make excuses. OK, next…
Reflect on past successes — when you’re facing a challenge, it’s easy to doubt yourself and resort to making excuses. To combat this, regularly remind yourself of your past successes. This practice taps into the psychological principle of self-efficacy, which is your belief in your ability to succeed. By reflecting on times when you overcame obstacles or achieved goals, you reinforce your confidence and reduce the need to make excuses. Next…
Reframe your self-talk — the language you use internally has a profound impact on your mindset and behaviours, and negative self-talk often fuels excuses. Try actively reframing negative or self-defeating thoughts into more positive, empowering statements. For example, instead of telling yourself, “I can’t do this, it’s too hard,” try, “This is challenging, but I can tackle it step by step.” This helps shift your mindset to one that’s more solution-focused, and less likely to resort to excuses. I covered self-talk back in Episode 9 and your inner critic in Episode 190, so you may find those helpful as well. OK, next…
Use positive affirmations — because positive affirmations can help combat the negative self-talk that often leads to excuses. By affirming your abilities and worth, you boost your self-confidence and resilience. Repeat affirmations that resonate with you, especially in moments of doubt, which can shift your mindset from self-doubt to empowerment. Next…
Practice decisive action — the habit of making excuses often stems from indecision or fear of making the wrong choice, so by practicing making decisions quickly and confidently — starting with small, minor choices — you can build the habit of more decisive action, which helps reduce the anxiety and second-guessing that fuels excuse-making and empowers you to take more direct action towards your goals. Next…
Create a supportive environment — the people around you significantly influence you, so surround yourself with positive influences — people who inspire you, who challenge you to grow, and who support your journey towards overcoming excuses. It’s also a great opportunity to share your goals with a friend, family member or mentor to help you stay accountable and on-track.
Summary and Close-out
Because when it comes to excuses and mental health, what it all boils down to is this: Overcoming the habit of making excuses is a journey that requires self-reflection, a shift in your mindset, and choosing strategies that support your growth, accountability, and resilience. By understanding what causes excuse-making, like limiting beliefs and fear of vulnerability, and actively working to reframe your self-talk and embrace challenges, you can empower yourself and lead a more authentic and fulfilling life with far fewer excuses. Every step taken towards overcoming excuses is a step towards unlocking your true potential.
The choice is yours, as it is with all things related to your wellbeing… so, what choice will YOU make today?
Each week I like to finish up by sharing a quote about the week’s topic, and I encourage you to take a few moments to really reflect on it and consider what it means to you. This week’s quote is by American author and speaker Jen Sincero, and it is:
“You can have excuses or you can have success; you can’t have both.”
Jen Sincero
Alright… that’s nearly it for this week.
What are you taking away from this episode? If you’re on Spotify you can answer in the Q&A section below, otherwise you can let me know on Instagram @ltamentalhealth or by commenting on the transcript, which you can have delivered to your inbox each week, along with my newsletter Thursday Thoughts; sign up at ltamh.com or use the link in the episode description. And for more tips follow me on my other Instagram account @itsjeremygodwin, and support my work plus get early access to ad-free episodes on Patreon.
Next week I’ll be talking about self-empowerment. Your life is your life, and you’re in control of what you do and don’t do with it… which we seem to forget sometimes, especially when it comes to the pressure put on us by others (like our family, society, social media, etc.). But it’s you who is in the driver’s seat, and so it’s up to you to learn how to give yourself permission to live your life fully and to be the most authentic version of yourself possible… and so that’s what I’ll be discussing next time! I’ll be talking about what self-empowerment is, why self-empowerment matters for good mental health, and how to empower yourself more.
I hope you’ll join me for that episode, which will be released on Sunday the 24th of March, 2024.
Thank you very much for joining me today. Look after yourself and make a conscious effort to share positivity and kindness in the world, because you get back what you put out. Take care and talk to you next time!
Jeremy 🙂
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The information provided in this episode is for general awareness on the topic and does not constitute advice. You should consult a doctor and/or a mental health professional if you are struggling with your mental health and wellbeing. You’ll find additional information on the Resources page of this website.
Nice post 🌹
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Thanks 😊
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