What is self pity, and what impact does self pity have on your mental health? How can you overcome self-pity and be more compassionate towards yourself?
That’s what I’m talking about this week here on Let’s Talk About Mental Health — the weekly podcast that makes mental health simple. So, get comfortable, and let’s talk!
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Read the full episode transcript:
This podcast episode was originally released on 7 April, 2024.
Hello and welcome to Episode 226 of Let’s Talk About Mental Health, and thanks for joining me as I talk about self-pity and mental health!
I’m Jeremy Godwin, and this isn’t your regular podcast full of interviews and random opinions. I’m a mental health counsellor and writer, and each week I look at one specific aspect of better mental health and I share simple and practical tips you can apply immediately, all based on quality research and my own experience of learning to live with anxiety and depression after a breakdown in 2011 that changed my life.
In this episode I’ll be talking about about what self-pity means, why self-pity has a negative effect on your mental health, and how to overcome self-pity.
So, let’s talk!
Introduction
In early 1982, an Australian band called Moving Pictures released the ultimate self-pity song titled What About Me?, filled with such anguished lyrics as:
What about me? It isn’t fair
I’ve had enough, now I want my share
Can’t you see, I wanna live
But you just take more than you give
Now, this little slice of melodramatic melancholia is actually one of the earliest songs I remember hearing on the radio as a child (as I was five-going-on-six when it came out), and it’s quite possible that it contributed to my ongoing love for a big theatrical power ballad (although, really, it’s a pretty cheesy song; I mean, why is the kid at the start of the song spending half a day waiting around in a shop for someone to pay attention to him?! Open your mouth! But anyway, that’s a conversation for another day…)
You might think that self-pity is one of those concepts that sounds fairly straightforward, but the more you dig into it the more you’ll find there are a lot of layers involved; after all, we don’t usually just wake up one day and start feeling sorry for ourselves — it’s often a long process that builds over time, and which may also involve past situations and relationships that have eaten away at your self-confidence and self-belief. The good news is that there is plenty you can do to start learning how to let go of self-pity, and I’ll be sharing plenty of simple and practical tips later on in this episode.
First, let’s get ourselves on the same page with some definitions and let’s talk about…
What self-pity means
At its core, self-pity is a state of being overly absorbed in your own troubles or difficulties, often combined with a sense of helplessness and a reluctance to seek out solutions to your problems. It’s like being stuck in a loop of your own worries and woes, focusing intensely on the negative aspects of your situation without actively looking for ways out.
On a broad level, everyone experiences self-pity at some point; I’ve certainly been there in the past, as I’m sure many of you have. It’s a perfectly natural response to disappointment, loss, or any form of emotional hurt. But although it’s a common and sometimes unavoidable emotional state, the place it takes us to isn’t exactly productive or pleasant… or good for your mental health; it’s kind-of like sitting in a dark room in your mind, replaying the same sad scenes over and over (with or without sad violin music, depending on your preference).
When it comes to your mental health, self-pity can act a bit like quicksand: the more we indulge in it, the deeper we sink, making it harder to step out of that mindset. This isn’t just about feeling sad or sorry for yourself; it’s about how this state of mind can lead to a cycle of negative thinking and behaviour that affects your mental health and general well-being. It can isolate you, affect your relationships, and lead to a deep and pervading sense of pessimism and despair.
Let’s discuss what self-pity looks and feels like… because it can manifest in lots of different ways and be different from person to person, but it has some universal signs and feelings that many of us can relate to.
Imagine being engulfed in a heavy, grey cloak that dulls your senses and colours your view of the world in shades of gloom; that’s a bit what self-pity feels like. It’s as if you’re watching life from the sidelines, focusing so intently on your own hardships that the rest of the world seems distant and maybe even irrelevant.
On a day-to-day basis, self-pity might look like spending hours ruminating over what went wrong in your life, wondering why things aren’t better for you, or thinking that you seem to be the only one struggling. It’s like a voice in your head that constantly whispers, “Why me?” This mindset thrives on comparison, often convincing you that your problems are unique and worse than anyone else’s, which isolates you further.
Physically it might manifest through a lack of energy or motivation, where even small tasks feel insurmountable because your mind is clouded with thoughts of unfairness or misfortune. There’s this overwhelming sense of being stuck, as if your feet are planted in thick mud and every attempt to step forward is met with resistance.
Emotionally, self-pity is like a rollercoaster that only goes down. It’s filled with feelings of bitterness, loneliness, and a deep-seated resentment that can sometimes be directed inward or spill out towards others. There’s often a significant amount of guilt associated with these feelings, as part of you might recognise the self-pity but feels powerless to break free from its vice-like grip.
Self-pity might also lead to you withdrawing from social activities or, on the other hand, having a dependency on others for constant reassurance and support, without taking steps to improve your situation. Conversations can become one-sided, focusing almost exclusively on your perceived challenges and difficulties, which can really strain relationships over time.
Self-pity wraps your perspective in a thick fog, making it hard to see the broader picture or any potential silver linings. The world appears unfair, your problems insurmountable, and it feels as though no one truly understands what you’re going through. This mindset can be incredibly isolating, not just from others, but from your own potential for resilience and growth.
It’s important to remember, though, that recognising these signs and feelings in yourself is not a cause for self-criticism but a brave first step towards seeking a brighter and more balanced outlook. I mean, if you’re struggling with self-pity and listening to this episode then that means part of you wants to change things… and that’s the first step!
OK, so now let’s talk about…
Why self-pity has a negative effect on your mental health
So, one of the main issues you need to be conscious of with self-pity is that it can create a sort-of ‘feedback loop’ that amplifies negative emotions and behaviours. It’s a bit like being on social media: you hear the same voices and messages over and over again, to the point where it’s like being in an echo chamber. When self-pity takes over it can lead you to be stuck in a rut; the longer you’re in it, the deeper it gets… and the harder it becomes to escape.
Self-pity focuses your attention inwards, but in a really counterproductive way; it magnifies your personal grievances, sorrows, and misfortunes, often at the expense of a more balanced or positive outlook on life, and this intense focus on the negative can lead to a distorted perception of reality, where the bad seems to outweigh the good, making the world appear more hostile or unfair than it actually is. This skewed perception can fuel feelings of hopelessness and despair, which are key components of depression.
Beyond that, self-pity can lead to a cycle of negative thinking. When you’re caught in a loop of self-pity, every setback or challenge can seem like proof of your misfortune, reinforcing the idea that you’re a victim of circumstances rather than being empowered and in control of your life (which I talked about in Episode 224 about self-empowerment). Thinking that way undermines your self-efficacy, which is the belief in your ability to influence events that affect your life and to have control over your own behaviour. A lack of self-efficacy can make it harder to take action to improve your situation, contributing to feelings of helplessness and a lack of motivation, which are often seen in depression and anxiety disorders.
Another aspect to consider is the role of self-pity in reinforcing negative self-talk and self-image. Continuously ruminating on your problems and perceived failures without taking action to address them can erode your self-esteem; I mean, it’s hard to feel good about yourself when the voice in your head is constantly telling you what a loser you are (which, by the way, is a lie; you’re not a loser, and thoughts are not facts). Low self-esteem is closely linked with various mental health disorders, including depression and anxiety, and can make your recovery more challenging.
Lastly, self-pity can act as a barrier to seeking help or making positive changes. If you’re convinced that your situation is hopeless, or that you’re powerless to change it, you’re less likely to reach out for support or engage in self-care practices that could improve your mental health… but it’s not hopeless, and you can change it!
By confronting self-pity and dealing with it head-on, you can start to see paths forward and solutions to your problems… as well as all the good stuff in your life that you can be grateful for, and which you might have overlooked.
From a mental health standpoint, the importance of addressing self-pity just absolutely cannot be overstated. When self-pity goes unchecked, it can spiral into deeper psychological issues like depression and anxiety. It feeds into negative self-talk, lowers your self-esteem, and can isolate you from the very support networks you need to maintain your mental health which can aggravate existing conditions or even lead to the development of new ones, creating a cycle that’s hard to break.
Dealing with self-pity involves learning healthier ways to cope with life’s inevitable ups and downs. It means practicing self-compassion without crossing into self-indulgence, allowing yourself to feel and acknowledge your emotions without letting them define your reality. Like all things, it’s about finding a healthy balance in all aspects of your life and your mindset. Making this shift encourages resilience, empowers you to face challenges head-on, helps you to seek out practical solutions to your issues, and lets you lean on others when necessary, rather than getting stuck in a narrative of victimhood and helplessness.
In essence, dealing with self-pity allows you to take control of your story. It shifts the focus from what life has done to you to what you can do with your life. Now, that doesn’t mean dismissing your feelings or the validity of your experiences; instead, it’s about acknowledging them, learning from them, and then moving forward with a sense of purpose and the knowledge that you have the agency to create your life as you see fit.
And, so, how do you do all that? Well, let’s first take a quick break to hear from the brands who help me create this show each week…
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And welcome back! Now let’s get into the how-to part of today’s episode and let’s talk about…
How to overcome self-pity
OK, first, acknowledge your feelings — which means being aware of what you’re feeling without judgment. Recognise that it’s OK to feel upset, disappointed, or hurt sometimes. This helps because it validates your emotions without letting them define you, and you can do this by writing down what you feel and why, which can provide clarity and a sense of relief. Next…
Challenge and reframe negative thoughts — learn to recognise your negative thoughts or assumptions and, rather than letting them control you, choose to confront them instead. When you catch yourself thinking something like “I can’t do anything right,” ask yourself, “Is that really true?” By disputing these types of thoughts, you’ll start to see situations more clearly and realistically, reducing the impact of self-pity. The other piece here is to actively reframe those thoughts if and when they happen; for example, instead of wallowing you can challenge yourself to think about what you learned from the experience, or to look for the positives. OK, next…
Focus on gratitude — gratitude can shift your mindset from what’s missing or wrong in your life to what’s present and right. Keep a gratitude journal, and each day, jot down three to five things you’re thankful for; it could be something as simple as a sunny day, a good cup of tea, or a chat with a friend… whatever you feel most grateful for. Consciously focusing on the positives in your life can gradually change your outlook, making the good in life more apparent. I have a simple daily digital tool that can help you do that, combined with a structured approach to reflection (all of which can improve your mental health in less than 15 minutes a day); it’s linked in the episode description or head to my website at ltamh.com. Alright, next…
Limit time spent ruminating — OK, so while it’s important to acknowledge your feelings, dwelling on them can be counterproductive. Try setting a timer for a ‘worry period’, and when time’s up, engage in a distracting or enjoyable activity. This helps compartmentalise your feelings of self-pity and prevents them from overwhelming your entire day. I covered ruminating back in Episode 116 if you’d like to explore that topic in more detail. Next…
Set small, achievable goals — because nothing helps to break the cycle of negativity than proving to yourself that you can create real and tangible change in your life. Start with something manageable, like going for a short walk or reading a book for 20 minutes, and build from there. And remember that celebrating your wins, no matter how small, will boost your sense of self-efficacy and chip away at feelings of helplessness (and I covered goals back in Episode 209). Next…
Engage in self-care — show yourself some much-needed loving kindness by taking care of your needs. Regular exercise, a healthy diet, and getting enough sleep can improve your mood and energy levels, as can making time for hobbies and interests, all of which make it easier to shift away from negative thoughts. Find activities that make you feel good and make them a regular part of your routine. OK, next…
Practice mindfulness — mindfulness helps bring your attention to the present, reducing the tendency to ruminate on past grievances or future worries. Simple mindfulness exercises, like focusing on your breath or engaging fully in a task, can help anchor you in the now, making it easier to let go of self-pity. Next…
Limit your exposure to negativity — be mindful of the company you keep and the media you consume. Surrounding yourself with positive influences can help lift your spirits and change your outlook. Try to spend time with friends who uplift you and limit your exposure to news or social media that tends to make you feel worse; making this change helps foster a more optimistic view of the world and your place within it. Next…
Practice compassionate self-talk — or, to put it more bluntly, stop treating yourself like crap! Choose to be as kind to yourself as you would to a good friend. Replace self-critical or pitying thoughts with compassionate and supportive messages; for example, instead of telling yourself “I’m so weak for feeling this way,” try “It’s OK to feel upset, and I’m strong for working through it.” Next…
Actively practice forgiveness — holding onto grudges or resentments, whether towards others or yourself, can feed into self-pity. Practicing forgiveness can lift this burden. Start with small steps, acknowledging the pain caused, and work towards letting go of the bitterness. Now, this doesn’t mean condoning wrongdoing but instead it’s about freeing yourself from the weight of negative emotions. I covered forgiveness in Episode 44 and self-forgiveness in Episode 80 if you’d like to explore those topics further. Next…
Break the self-pity cycle with action — taking action is often the antidote to self-pity; choose one small thing you can do right now to address a problem you’ve been ruminating on; that could be as simple as making a phone call, cleaning a part of your home, or scheduling an appointment you’ve been putting off. Each action you take builds momentum and reinforces your sense of self-empowerment. Next…
Establish a routine — having a regular daily routine can provide a sense of structure and purpose, helping to anchor you during times of emotional turmoil. It ensures that you’re engaging in varied activities, including those that can boost your mood and health, like exercise, hobbies, and socialising, and it helps prevent the stagnation that can feed self-pity. OK, next…
Turn your focus to the future — so… while it’s important to process and accept your feelings, endlessly ruminating on past misfortunes can keep you stuck. Instead, choose to visualise a positive future for yourself. Setting goals, even small ones, can give you something to look forward to and work towards, diminishing the grip of self-pity. Next…
Embrace a growth mindset — which means seeing challenges and failures as opportunities for growth, rather than signs of defeat. When faced with setbacks, ask yourself, “What can I learn from this?” This encourages greater resilience and helps you approach problems with curiosity and openness, instead of self-pity. Next…
Rediscover your passions — often, self-pity can stem from feeling unfulfilled or disconnected from what gives our lives meaning. Take time to rediscover old passions or explore new interests. Engaging in activities that you love can reignite your enthusiasm for life and shift your focus away from self-pity. OK, next…
Laugh more — laughter really can be the best medicine. It releases endorphins, boosts mood, and provides a much-needed break from negative thoughts. Watch a funny movie, read a humorous book, or spend time with people who make you laugh. Joy can help break through the cloud of self-pity, even if just for a moment. Next…
Limit comparisons — it’s easy to fall into the trap of comparing your life to the seemingly-perfect lives of others… but perfect doesn’t exist, and your journey is unique to you. Remember, what people show the world is often a curated highlight reel, not the full story. Focus on your own journey and the progress you’re making, acknowledging that everyone faces challenges, many of which are not visible on the surface. I covered comparison in Episode 219 if you’d like some help with how to do that. OK, next…
Reflect on past successes — it’s easy to forget your strengths and accomplishments when you feel down; instead, reflect on times you’ve overcome obstacles or achieved something important to you. This reflection can remind you of your resilience and capability, providing a counterbalance to feelings of self-pity. Next…
Seek joy in simple pleasures — sometimes, it’s the small things that can bring the most joy… like a warm bath, a favourite song, or a delicious meal — these simple pleasures can provide a temporary escape from negative thoughts and remind you of the joy to be found in everyday life. Next…
Educate yourself — learning more about emotional resilience, mental health, and the psychology behind self-pity can empower you to make informed changes in your life. Understanding the ‘why’ behind your feelings can demystify them and give you the tools to address them more effectively. Just, please, choose reputable resources to learn from, not the TikTok School of DIY Psychology! OK, next…
Celebrate progress, not perfection — recognise and celebrate the steps you’re taking to move past self-pity, no matter how small. Change doesn’t happen overnight, and acknowledging your progress can be highly motivating. Remember, it’s about moving forward, not achieving perfection. Next…
Seek professional help — if self-pity feels particularly overwhelming, seeking help from a counsellor or therapist can be a wise step. A professional can provide you with strategies to deal with the underlying issues contributing to your self-pity and find ways to manage it. And if you feel uncomfortable, remember that it’s a sign of strength to seek help, not a weakness, and it can be the key to unlocking greater self-belief.
Summary and Close-out
Because when it comes to self-pity and mental health, what it all boils down to is this: overcoming self-pity requires self-awareness, patience, and a commitment to your personal growth. By acknowledging your feelings, adjusting your focus towards gratitude, and embracing both your strengths and your vulnerabilities, you can navigate through the fog of self-pity towards a brighter, more resilient self. It’s about choosing to shift your perspective, finding joy and value in the small things, and recognising your ability to create your own path in life.
The choice is yours, as it is with all things related to your wellbeing… so, what choice will YOU make today?
Each week I like to finish up by sharing a quote about the week’s topic, and I encourage you to take a few moments to really reflect on it and consider what it means to you. This week’s quote is by Helen Keller, and it is:
“Self-pity is our worst enemy, and if we yield to it, we can never do anything wise in the world.”
Helen Keller
Alright… that’s nearly it for this week.
What are you taking away from this episode? If you’re on Spotify you can answer in the Q&A section below, otherwise let me know on Instagram @ltamentalhealth or by commenting on the transcript, which you can have delivered to your inbox each week, along with my newsletter Thursday Thoughts; sign up at ltamh.com or use the link in the episode description. And for more tips follow me on my other Instagram account @itsjeremygodwin, and support my work plus get early access to ad-free episodes on Patreon for just a small amount each month.
Next week I’ll be talking about PTSD. Post-traumatic stress disorder (commonly known as PTSD) is a disorder resulting from experiencing or witnessing a terrifying event, and it can have a long-lasting impact. However it’s also commonly misdiagnosed, especially with a lot of the psychology stuff that you see on social media, so it’s important to have a clear understanding of the difference between trauma responses as well as an idea of how PTSD can be managed. So, next time I’m going to talk about what PTSD is (and what it isn’t), how it affects your mental health, and how to deal with PTSD.
That episode will be released on the 14th of April, 2024, and I hope you’ll join me for it! Hit ‘follow’ or ‘subscribe’ on your podcast service to make sure you never miss an episode.
Thank you very much for joining me today. Look after yourself and make a conscious effort to share positivity and kindness in the world, because you get back what you put out. Take care and talk to you next time!
Jeremy 🙂
Let’s Talk About Mental Health is an independent program proudly produced by Reconnaissance Media, helping you find gratitude and meaning. For more information visit reconnaissancemedia.com
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The information provided in this episode is for general awareness on the topic and does not constitute advice. You should consult a doctor and/or a mental health professional if you are struggling with your mental health and wellbeing. You’ll find additional information on the Resources page of this website.
