237: Judgement and how to deal with it

Why do other peoples’ judgements affect us so much, and how can you let go of judgement? Well, if you’re ready to learn how to free yourself from the judgments of others then let’s talk! 😃

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What is judgement, and why does feeling judged feel so unpleasant? And then, beyond that, how can you figure out what to do when you feel judged without causing a bigger issue?

If you’re ready to stop feeling judged by others and want to learn how to deal with haters then you’re in the right place… because that’s what I’m talking about this week here on Let’s Talk About Mental Health — the weekly podcast that makes mental health simple. 

Ready to learn how to let go of judgement? Then, get comfortable and let’s talk!

Hello and welcome to Episode 237 of Let’s Talk About Mental Health, and thanks for joining me as I talk about judgement and mental health.

I’m Jeremy Godwin, and this isn’t your regular podcast full of interviews and random opinions. I’m a mental health counsellor and writer, and each week I look at one specific aspect of better mental health and I share simple and practical tips you can apply immediately, all based on quality research and my own experience of learning to live with anxiety and depression after a breakdown in 2011 that changed my life.

In this episode I’ll be talking about what judgement is, why you need to handle judgement thoughtfully, and how to deal with judgment from others.

So, let’s talk!

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One of the things I don’t particularly like about social media is that it seems to have created a culture where so many of us feel like we have to share our comments and opinions on absolutely everything (which you don’t, by the way; leaving a review for a product on Amazon saying, “I haven’t purchased this but it looks good” is about as helpful to anybody else as a screen door on a submarine or a chocolate teapot… in other words, it’s useless and it makes me cranky, which is probably why I’m ranting about it here!). 

Anyway, returning to my point, a lot of comments on social media tend to lean towards the judgemental; actually, I think that’s a massive understatement… and you only have to read the comments section on any high-profile account or TV show to see that most of the replies are more feral than a child raised by wolves. There seems to also be a very specific group of people who feel it’s their duty to judge everyone and everything, as though they have all the answers and are the poster children for how to live… which they’re not, because being judgemental of others tends to go hand-in-hand with being unkind and even cruel, neither of which are a healthy way to live.

So, today’s focus is going to be mainly on how to deal with feeling judged by others… however, I’m going to also say upfront that there’s a big overarching message throughout today’s episode and that is to treat others the way you want to be treated. So, if you’re prone to a little judgement sometimes (or a lot) then this is your opportunity to listen with an open mind and an open heart so you can also think about what type of person you want to be moving forward. I can say hand-on-heart that it’s absolutely possible to make a choice to change when it comes to judgement; a decade ago I was a lot more judgemental than I am today, and although it’s taken a lot of work to make those changes I can say with complete confidence that it’s definitely been worth it.

Alright, so let’s take a moment to get ourselves on the same page with some definitions and let’s talk about…

What is judgement?

So, broadly speaking, ‘judgement’ refers to the act of forming an opinion or conclusion about someone or something. It’s often critical and negative, and it can potentially be based on a wide range of factors like appearance, behaviour, personal attributes, beliefs, lifestyle choices, or even things that are completely beyond someone’s control.

Judgement can be both positive and negative. For example, you might admire someone’s work ethic (which is a positive judgement) or disapprove of their lifestyle choices (which is a negative judgement), and judgement, or feeling judged by others, is something that we all encounter at various points in our lives; it’s that moment when you feel scrutinised, criticised, or unfairly assessed by other people, and it feels like rubbish, and yet it doesn’t stop us from judging other people, does it?! 

When we talk about judgement in a general sense, it’s about our mental processes of evaluating people or situations… and it’s something we all do, often unconsciously. You might judge someone based on their clothes, their accent, or their opinions, and that can be a quick, instinctive reaction, or a more considered assessment. In many ways, judgement is a natural part of human interactions and it’s not necessarily a bad thing; judgement can help us navigate social situations and make decisions, and it even keeps us safe (for example, by whether or not other people may be a threat to us), however it becomes problematic when it turns into a persistent pattern of negative evaluation, especially when it’s directed at others or at yourself (or both).

In a practical context, judgement often manifests in our everyday interactions. You might find yourself at a family gathering, and there’s that one relative who always seems to have something negative and critical to say about your choices. Or perhaps it could be at work, where a colleague constantly undermines your ideas. These types of experiences of feeling judged can create a sense of unease and they often serve to amplify your self-doubt (which is a topic I covered in Episode 104).

So, with all of that in mind, now let’s talk about…

Why you need to handle judgement thoughtfully

And, I mean, I tend to think you need to approach pretty-much everything thoughtfully (without overthinking it too much!), but the main reason why judgement, in particular, is something to approach in a really considered way is that it’s about picking your battles while also not turning it into something bigger or, at the other end of the spectrum, letting anyone walk all over you; it’s about being assertive, rather than aggressive or passive. 

Here’s the thing: when you feel judged, you might start to question your worth or capabilities. You might even begin to avoid certain people or situations to protect yourself from further judgement. This kind of self-protective behaviour is natural but, over time, it can limit your experiences and opportunities for growth.

So the piece here is that judgement has a significant impact on your mental health and wellbeing, which is why you need to tackle it rather than just allowing yourself to be steamrolled by it (and let me be clear that I’m not saying you have to react to it; this is about responding thoughtfully, which could even include letting it be water off a duck’s back or greeting it with a healthy dose of humour and a ‘get lost!’ before letting it go… and I’ll explore how to tackle it shortly). The thing is that feeling judged can lead to a host of emotional responses, such as anxiety, depression, and low self-esteem, so you don’t want to just take it and let it potentially eat away at you. When it feels like others are constantly evaluating you negatively, it can eat away at your sense of self-worth and confidence and that constant feeling of being judged can make you more self-conscious and hyper-aware of your actions, leading to stress and even social withdrawal. Over time, it can really affect your mental health by making you feel isolated and misunderstood.

On the other side of the judgement coin, when you’re the one judging others harshly it can create a negative environment that affects everyone’s mental health, because harsh judgements can strain relationships and create a cycle of negativity and mistrust. By contrast, when you approach others with empathy and understanding, it helps you to build and maintain healthier and more supportive relationships.

I think that, ultimately, it’s crucial to remember the golden rule of life: treat others as you want to be treated, and don’t be a dick. Not only is it kinder and a more pleasant way to live, but it also leads to better relationships and a much more positive environment. When you choose to practice non-judgement, you’re doing your part to make the world a better place by contributing to a culture of empathy and respect, and it’s a kinder approach that benefits everyone, including yourself, because it encourages mutual understanding and support. Plus, ideally, it also makes you less tolerant of putting up with judgement from others and more inclined to stand up for yourself in a kind-yet-assertive way. 

So, focusing back on other people judging you, be very aware that it’s a choice they’re making to behave that way… and it says much more about who they are than it does you. 

Here’s a little spoiler alert for life: happy, satisfied, and contented people don’t need to judge others or lash out at things they don’t like, because they know that there are millions and billions of different ways to live and it’s up to each of us to figure out what’s right for us; if someone isn’t harming anyone (including themselves), if they’re being kind, and if they’re giving more than they take, then honestly it’s nobody’s damn business how they live their lives! And anyone who wants to judge someone for simply being who they are, or because they don’t like something they’ve said or done, well… they need to get a life. And they need to stop being such a dick! 

Judgemental people are not happy, and honestly who cares what they have to say… because I don’t know about you, but I’m not taking on board the opinion of someone who isn’t the kind of person I want to be like. End of sentence!

Now, I’m well aware that sometimes the judgement is coming from much closer to home — like from family, friends, your partner if you have one — and I’m going to say this very loudly and clearly for the people all the way up the back in the cheap seats: being close to you does not give someone permission to judge you. This is where it’s about one dash of assertiveness mixed with one extra-large dash of courage, because it can feel really challenging to address these types of things with the people we’re closer to but it’s a lot better than putting up with crap.. because (and one more time for the cheap seats) you should never, ever, ever put up with crap!

Not addressing judgement can result in chronic stress and dissatisfaction. Persistently feeling judged can lead to social anxiety, making it difficult for you to engage in everyday activities. It can also lead you to feel more isolated, because you might withdraw from social interactions to avoid judgement. Over time, this isolation can contribute to depression and other mental health issues.

So, if you’re sick of putting up with crap from other people who don’t have the common decency to keep their damn opinions to themselves, or if you’re like Laganja Estranja and ‘feeling very attacked right now’ (that’s a Drag Race reference from Season 6, in case any of you have never seen the show and couldn’t work out what that random collection of words was that just came out of my mouth!), then now is the time to stand up for yourself and put a stop to being judged once and for all.

So, how do you do that? Well, let’s first take a quick break to hear from the brands who help me create this show each week…

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And welcome back! Now let’s get into the how-to part of today’s episode and let’s talk about… 

How to deal with judgment from others

OK, first, don’t take it personally — and I think I may have just heard one or two of you groan, since this is one of those ones that’s easier said than done, but hear me out; the thing is that it isn’t personal. It’s not about you, it’s about them. Sure, it feels personal and maybe it’s even directed straight at you… but it is 100% coming from that person and their view of the world, which has nothing to do with you. If someone is being discriminatory, for example, that’s about them and their belief that they’re better than some other group of people… and that’s some deep-seated messed-up stuff that goes way back and far beyond their interaction with you, so step back and step away (be like Homer Simpson in that meme where he quietly disappears backwards into the bushes). If you can’t remove yourself, then try my next point which is… 

Shut it down assertively — also known as the ‘firm-but-fair-but-not-putting-up-with-crap’ approach. This is when you take action and confront the individual (for example, when it’s someone you’re going to have to deal with again, like a family member). The first time it happens, you could say something like, “I understand that you have your own perspective on this, but it’s my life so please respect my choices.” If it then continues beyond that then try saying something like, “I’ve previously asked you not to share opinions like this with me, but it’s still happening; if it continues then I’ll need to reconsider the nature of our relationship.” And then if they’re still not getting the message and are judging you like they’re on the panel of a reality show, say something along the lines of, “Despite my repeated requests to keep your judgements and opinions to yourself, you continue to ignore me and I find that disrespectful. You can either stop this once and for all, or I will need to step back from our relationship. The choice is yours.” So the basic point here is to tackle it in a direct way, then to call out any repeated breaches as being repeats; if you’re going to set some boundaries then there need to be consequences for not sticking to them. I covered boundaries in Episode 53 and assertiveness in Episode 45 if you’d like to explore those topics more. OK, next… 

Don’t stoop to their level — look, I get it; the instinctive reaction can be to lash out and tear the judgemental person a new part of their anatomy with which to go to bathroom with… but fighting fire with fire just leads to a bigger fire. Have you ever tried responding to something nasty that some butt-face has left on a social media post? All it does is fan the flames and there’s just no reasoning with someone who is willing to judge another person, because they’re completely and utterly convinced that they’re right… so what are you going to do, argue until you’re blue in the face? Nobody wins, and sinking to their level just drags you down. Instead, choose to be the bigger person and walk away (I mean, I’m not going to tell you that you can’t stick your middle finger up as you’re walking away, if it makes you feel better… but maybe just do it discreetly, OK?!). Alright, so my next tip is…  

Block! — because you’re always in control of who has access to you and what that access looks and feels like, and you don’t have to put up with crap… so feel free to block instead of listening to judgemental rubbish. Obviously it’s a lot easier to block online than it is in real life, but either way give yourself permission to make smart choices about who gets access to you. OK, next… 

Surround yourself with positive influences — the people you spend time with can greatly impact how you feel about yourself, so spend less time with negative and judgemental people and more time with positive people which reinforces your self-worth and provides a supportive environment. Next…

Focus on your values — staying true to your values can help you navigate judgement with confidence; when you’re clear about what matters to you, other peoples’ opinions hold less sway. This is about anchoring you in your own sense of right and wrong, and providing a strong foundation to stand on, and I talked about how to figure out your values in Episode 138. OK, next…

Show yourself compassion — being kind to yourself is crucial when you’re facing judgement from others, because it builds resilience and shields you from the negative effects of external criticism. Try speaking to yourself in a supportive way, acknowledging your feelings without judgement, and reminding yourself of your intrinsic worth. OK, next…

Let it go — far from being just a song from a famous musical, ‘let it go’ is a simple piece of advice with a lot of power. Do you really need to take on board the random opinions and judgements of other people? What’s that, you don’t? You’re damned right you don’t! Holding onto negative opinions can be draining and counterproductive, and so consciously letting them go helps to free up your mental energy for more positive and constructive thoughts. The simplest way to let go is to remind yourself that not every opinion matters (which it doesn’t) and to give yourself permission to move forward with greater peace and confidence. OK, next… 

Develop a strong sense of identity — which is all about knowing who you are and what you stand for, both of which help you to be less susceptible to external judgements. You can develop this by exploring your interests, values, and beliefs, and staying true to them. Engage in activities that resonate with you and spend time with people who support your authentic self. This strong foundation makes it easier to navigate the opinions of others without losing sight of your true self. Next…

Stay present — which helps you avoid getting lost in negative thoughts about past judgements or future criticisms, reducing anxiety and keeping you grounded in the current moment. You can stay present by practicing simple mindfulness techniques, like focusing on your breath or engaging fully in your current activity; this sense of being more present can help you respond more thoughtfully to judgement rather than reacting emotionally. OK, next… 

Practice gratitude towards your critics — so this might seem a bit counterintuitive, but it’s about shifting your mindset positively and it allows you to see criticism as a tool for growth rather than a personal attack. You can do this by thanking your critics for their input, even if it’s harsh. For example, you might say, “Thank you for your perspective, it’s given me something to think about.” This approach can disarm critics and help you maintain a positive attitude. OK, next…

Embrace imperfection — guess what? You’re not perfect! And guess what? Neither am I! Nobody is! Accepting that imperfection is part of being human can relieve the pressure to meet other people’s expectations, and it reduces the fear of judgement by recognising that everyone has flaws and makes mistakes. Try setting realistic expectations for yourself, choosing not to compare yourself to others, and celebrating your progress rather than perfection. Remind yourself that mistakes are opportunities for learning and growth, and that it’s OK not to be perfect (because nobody is!). Next…

Practice forgiveness — so, forgiveness, both towards yourself and others, is a powerful tool in managing judgement. Holding onto grudges or self-criticism can weigh you down emotionally. Practicing forgiveness helps because it allows you to let go of negative emotions and move forward. You can practice forgiveness by acknowledging your feelings, understanding the reasons behind others’ actions, and choosing to release resentment. This doesn’t mean condoning harmful behaviour, but instead it’s about freeing yourself from the hold it has on your emotions. OK, next…

Choose to be non-judgemental yourself — so, if you’ve ever made it all the way to the end of one of my episodes then you’ll know I close by saying, “make a conscious effort to share positivity and kindness out into the world, because you get back what you put out”… which you do! Negativity tends to attract more negativity, and positivity tends to attract more positivity, so make the choice to treat people the way you want to be treated and you’ll gradually attract more and more non-judgemental people to you.

Summary and Close-out

Because when it comes to judgement and mental health, what it all boils down to is this:

Dealing with judgement is an inevitable part of life, but how you handle it can profoundly impact your mental and emotional wellbeing. Remember, the power to define your worth lies within you, not in the opinions of others, so focus on your journey, instead of trying to live up to the demands of others, and choose to treat yourself with the kindness and compassion you deserve.

The choice is yours, as it is with all things related to your wellbeing… so, what choice will YOU make today? 

Each week I like to finish up by sharing a quote about the week’s topic, and I encourage you to take a few moments to really reflect on it and consider what it means to you. This week’s quote is by an unknown author, and it is:

“Judging a person does not define who they are… it defines who you are.”

Unknown

Alright… that’s nearly it for this week.

How do you deal with judgement from others? If you’re on Spotify scroll down and share in the Q&A section below, otherwise let me know on Instagram @ltamentalhealth or by commenting on the transcript, which you can have delivered to your inbox each week, along with my newsletter Thursday Thoughts; sign up at ltamh.com or use the link in the episode description. And discover more mental health tips on my other Instagram account @itsjeremygodwin, plus become a paid supporter on Patreon for early access to ad-free episodes. 

Next week I’ll be talking about learning to let go. 

The mental and emotional baggage we carry around with us, and the things we take on board from others (like judgements and opinions), can really do a number on our mental health and general wellbeing if we don’t learn how to process them and release them… and if we also don’t understand that letting go doesn’t just happen once, but many times! So next time I’ll be talking about what learning to let go really means, why you need to learn to let go more, and how to become better at letting go.

That episode will be released on the 30th of June, 2024, and I hope you’ll join me for it! Hit ‘follow’ on your podcast service and press the bell to turn on notifications so you never miss an episode.

Thank you very much for joining me today. Look after yourself and make a conscious effort to share positivity and kindness out into the world, because you get back what you put out. Take care and talk to you next time!

Let’s Talk About Mental Health is an independent program proudly produced by Reconnaissance Media. For more information visit reconnaissancemedia.com   

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Let’s Talk About Mental Health.
Making Mental Health Simple.

Let’s Talk About Mental Health. © 2024 Jeremy Godwin.

The information provided in this episode is for general awareness on the topic and does not constitute advice. You should consult a doctor and/or mental health professional if you’re struggling with your mental health and wellbeing. You’ll find additional information on the Resources page of this website.