220: Friendship breakups and how to recover from them

What are friendship breakups? How does the ending of a friendship affect you emotionally, and can you learn how to heal after a friendship breakup?

That’s what I’m talking about this week here on Let’s Talk About Mental Health — the weekly podcast that makes mental health simple. So, get comfortable, and let’s talk!

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This podcast episode was originally released on 25 February, 2024.

Hello and welcome to Episode 220 of Let’s Talk About Mental Health, and thanks for joining me as I talk about friendship breakups and mental health!

I’m Jeremy Godwin and this isn’t your regular podcast, full of interviews and random opinions. I’m a writer and mental health counsellor, and each week I look at one specific aspect of better mental health and I share simple and practical tips you can apply immediately, all based on quality research and my own experience of learning to live with anxiety and depression after a breakdown in 2011 that changed my life.

In this episode I’ll be talking about what friendship break-ups are (and why they happen), why they affect us so much, and how to work through the end of a friendship while also taking care of your mental health.

Before I start, a quick update to let you know I’ve decided to wind up my YouTube channel and this week’s episode will be the final one for the foreseeable future. I have a lot on at the moment and I’ve had to make some tough decisions about the way forward, including no longer producing my weekly videos (but the podcast will still continue every week).

So, with that covered, now let’s talk about friendship breakups!

Introduction

I’m 47 (even though I don’t look a day over 46 and 11 months), and so that means I have had my fair share of friendship breakups throughout my life; some have been sudden, and some have just gradually faded into the background like that meme of Homer Simpson retreating into the hedge.

Take a look through any streaming service and you’ll find lots of movies (and TV shows) about the end of a romantic relationship, maybe even ones dealing with the loss of a family relationship… but the loss of a friendship? There’s barely anything, except for maybe the recent series Feud: Capote vs. The Swans but that’s beside the point… what I’m highlighting here is how little attention is given to the end of friendships, and how little support there is to help us navigate the grief and loss that comes with the breakdown of such an emotionally-intimate relationship. People may come and go in your life, even partners, but your good friends know your secrets and they know where those skeletons in the closet are hidden… so it can feel like a real slap in the face when you grow apart, or when something happens that irrevocably changes the relationship forever. This week my goal is to shine a light on this subject that needs a lot more attention, and to give you a set of tools you can use to navigate through the pain and heartache associated with moving forward after a friendship ends.

So, let’s first get ourselves onto the same page with some definitions and let’s talk about… 

What are friendship break-ups?

In essence, a friendship breakup refers to the ending or significant decline of a close relationship between friends. This can happen abruptly, kind of like hitting an unexpected iceberg, or gradually, like a slow leak in your boat that you only notice when your feet start getting wet.

A friendship breakup can often leave you feeling a bit lost and bewildered. You know you need to move forward, but it can be hard to know which direction to head or how to proceed.

Friendship breakups can mirror romantic breakups in their emotional impact and intensity, but often they don’t receive the same spotlight or sympathy from others. It’s as if society happily hands out tissues and comfort for romantic splits… but with friendships, maybe you’ll get a shrug and a “Oh well, you’ll make new friends” (and that’s if you’re lucky!). 

But let’s face it: losing a friend can feel like losing a piece of yourself, and not in a ‘oh no, I misplaced my keys’ kind of way, but in a much more profound way, tinged with loss and heartbreak.

From a mental health perspective, the end of a friendship can be a heavy blow. Friends are our confidants, our cheerleaders, and sometimes our reality checks. They’re the ones we share our hopes, dreams, and 2-for-1 pizza deals with. When a friendship ends, it can leave a void filled with questions, doubts, and a surplus of pizza you now have to finish on your own.

The impact on your mental health varies widely. For some, it can lead to feelings of loneliness, a dent in your self-esteem, or maybe even questioning your ability to maintain close relationships; that last one is definitely one I can relate to, and over the past decade I’ve lost a couple of close friendships as a result of big life changes (like having a breakdown and then moving away from the city to the countryside; trust me when I tell you just how much of an impact moving can have on many friendships if you don’t put in a huge amount of extra effort to maintain them!). In my case I found that moving led to the slow demise of several once-close relationships, especially when I realised I was putting in the lion’s share of the effort to try and maintain them without it being reciprocated; when I stopped, the friendships stopped and that was incredibly painful… especially for someone like me who tends to prefer a smaller number of close friends rather than connecting with a lot of people.

Anyway, the point I’m working towards is that navigating through the aftermath of a friendship breakup takes work, and shortly I’ll talk you through that.

Before I do, let’s talk about why friendships end… and, really, it can happen for many reasons. Human relationships are complicated, and so is personal growth, so when you throw all of that into the mix things often become messy or complicated. Changes in life circumstances, different interests and values, lack of effort and communication, unresolved conflicts, breaches of trust, envy, competition, finding yourself at different life stages, personal evolution… these factors, and more, all play significant roles in the end of friendships. 

Look, the fact is that some relationships will be with you for a long time… and some won’t. Healthy and successful friendships are based on mutual effort, shared values, and understanding. When these elements are damaged, or are no longer present, friendships may sometimes start to face challenges that are potentially insurmountable, leading to a gradual drift or an abrupt end. 

Nothing is meant to last for forever and sometimes we might just grow apart over time as we head in different directions, or we might have a fight that ends up becoming too big to come back from. Whatever the reason, it’s about treating yourself with kindness as you navigate difficult times… and also choosing to focus on the way forward, rather than getting stuck in sorrow or wallowing in pain; after all, there’s a huge difference between processing your feelings and letting them hijack you.

OK, so now let’s talk about…

Why friendship breakups affect us so much

There are lots of reasons why the end of a friendship has such a profound impact on us. 

For starters, there’s the shared history and emotional investment to consider. Friends often hold the keys to our pasts, having shared in our triumphs, disasters, and those questionable fashion choices we thought were a good idea at the time. They’ve been our emotional support through the rollercoaster of life, from the dizzying highs to the nauseating lows. When a friendship ends, it’s like part of our personal history book gets torn out, leaving us to wonder how to rewrite those chapters (and often feeling pain if and when we re-read those pages).

Another reason friendship breakups hurt so much is because of how they affect our identity and self-perception. Your friends are often like mirrors for you, reflecting back parts of your identity; if they’re a good friend then hopefully they’re like the mirrors in those funfair mazes that somehow always make you look more glamorous (or at least more interesting). They contribute to how you see yourself, and they can have a huge influence on your growth and how you change over time. Losing a friend can feel like losing a piece of who we are, leading to a bit of an identity crisis.

Next, let’s talk about the way the end of a friendship relates to social support and connectivity. Friends are our support network, the ones we rely on for advice, comfort, and sometimes just a good laugh over something utterly ridiculous. In short, they help you feel connected and grounded. When a friendship breaks up, it can shake the foundations of our social support, leaving you feeling like the world is suddenly a lot more vast and intimidating.

Then there’s the impacts on trust and vulnerability. Building a friendship involves learning to open up and be authentic, gradually sharing your secrets and your fears with the hope of acceptance and understanding. When a friendship ends, especially if it’s through betrayal or a breakdown in trust, it can make you more guarded, and a lot more wary of opening up again for fear of being hurt.

Another impact is the way that the end of a friendship can often lead to a change in your routine and your future plans. Friends are frequently intertwined in our daily lives and also with the things that we’ve planned for the future, from simple coffee catch-ups to massive holiday plans. A breakup can leave a void in both your routine and your future expectations, creating a sense of instability and uncertainty.

And then there’s grief, which I’ve left until last because I think it has the biggest impact. Unlike romantic breakups, where it’s often publicly acknowledged and people tend to be supportive and understanding, friendship breakups don’t always receive the same recognition, or at least the same level of understanding of what you’re going through, so you can be dealing with unacknowledged grief… which can make the grieving process lonelier and more confusing. That, in particular, is where I’ve found working with a therapist to be helpful; between that and family stuff, I’ve found it much easier to talk with a professional (who is objective and non-judgemental) rather than feeling like I have to explain myself to other people who just don’t understand, or who don’t see it as a big deal.

Working through your feelings about a friendship breakup, or a gradual ending, is kind-of like tidying up after a storm has hit your emotional landscape. It might seem tempting to just step over the fallen branches of your feelings and carry on, but addressing them head-on is crucial for several reasons, both for your overall well-being and specifically for your mental health.

Processing your emotions allows you to understand what happened and why, which is the first step towards acceptance. This can help you come to terms with the breakup, learn from the experience, and eventually, find closure. It can also lead to personal growth; reflecting on the dynamics of the friendship and its ending can offer valuable insights into your own needs, boundaries, and patterns in relationships. You might discover strengths you didn’t know you had or areas you’d like to improve. And then the other thing to consider is that navigating through the aftermath of a friendship breakup builds your emotional resilience. It teaches you how to cope with loss and change, making you better equipped to handle life’s ups and downs.

In mental health terms, taking the bull by the horns and proactively working through things can prevent a negative spiral; unaddressed feelings can affect your mental health. Feelings of sadness, betrayal, or anger can simmer beneath the surface, potentially leading to anxiety, depression, or lowered self-esteem.

Working through your emotions also encourages the development of healthy coping mechanisms. Rather than resorting to denial, avoidance, or numbing the pain through unhealthy behaviours, you can learn constructive ways to deal with your feelings.

By processing your feelings, you can also prevent the fallout from one breakup from affecting your other relationships. Hurt and mistrust can lead to withdrawing from friends or painting new friendships with the brush of past betrayals. Addressing your emotions helps keep these walls from going up, ensuring you remain open to new connections.

And then the other piece here is that working through the end of a friendship helps to clear emotional clutter, making space for new relationships. Holding onto past hurts can leave little room for new connections; working through your feelings and making peace with them allows you to move forward, feeling emotionally available and being more open to new friendships that can enrich your life.

So, addressing your emotions following a friendship breakup isn’t just about healing from that loss; it’s about nurturing your mental health and paving the way for future relationships.

So, how do you do all that? Well, let’s first take a quick break to hear from the brands who help me create this show each week…

AD BREAK

And welcome back! Now let’s get into the how-to part of today’s episode and let’s talk about… 

How to work through the end of a friendship

OK, first, acknowledge your feelings — before you can even begin to think about processing things or navigating the way forward, it’s important to acknowledge and name your feelings related to the friendship breakup. This step is crucial because it validates your emotional experience and it’s the first step towards processing those emotions. Recognising how you feel — whether that be sad, relieved, hurt, frustrated, angry, devastated, or even a mix of emotions— can really help you to make sense of the situation. You can do this by simply sitting with your emotions, perhaps writing them down or even speaking them out loud in a private space. OK, next…

Allow yourself to grieve — it’s okay to feel sad, angry, or confused about the end of a friendship. Grieving is a natural response to loss, and so letting yourself experience these emotions (instead of trying to suppress them) is crucial for your healing. Doing this acknowledges the significance of the friendship and the pain of its loss, validating your feelings and helping you to process your emotions so you can begin to heal. You can do this by setting aside time to reflect on your emotions, perhaps through writing, meditation, or simply allowing yourself moments of sadness. Feel what you need to feel if you want to heal. Alright, next…

Limit contact — if it’s possible, and healthy, consider limiting contact with the friend you’ve parted ways with (you might also need to step back from mutual friendships for a bit as well). This helps because it creates the necessary emotional space to process your feelings and begin healing. You can do this by mutually agreeing on a period of no contact, or simply taking control and limiting your interactions with them online and in-person. Next…

Focus on what you can control — which means concentrating on your own actions and responses, rather than what they’re doing and saying. There’s no point dwelling on the loss or trying to change the past; what’s done is done, so you need to focus on you. Doing this helps shift your focus from what’s been lost to what can be gained through personal growth and future opportunities. OK, next…

Seek support — lean on other friends, family members, or a mental health professional for support. Sharing your feelings with someone can lighten the emotional load and provide perspective, and it helps to remind you that you’re not alone and that support is available. Try reaching out to loved ones, joining a support group, or seeking counselling or therapy. Next…

Practice self-compassion — be kind to yourself during what is, no doubt, a challenging time. Acknowledge that you’re doing the best you can and that it’s okay to not be okay. Self-compassion fosters emotional healing by reducing self-criticism and promoting a gentle approach to your feelings. Try consciously treating yourself as you would a friend in a similar situation: with understanding and kindness. Next…

Give yourself space — it might be helpful to take a break from mutual friends or social media in order to avoid painful reminders, gossip, or emotional triggers (like other people getting involved and taking sides); take the time you need to process things, and give yourself whatever space you need to protect your emotional well-being. Even if there’s drama going on, you don’t need to hear about it and you certainly don’t need to get involved in it. OK, next…

Stay active and engaged — do things you enjoy and that make you feel good about yourself. Whether it’s a hobby, exercise, or taking a class, staying active can boost your mood and self-esteem. This helps provide a positive focus away from the breakup, reducing the risk of ruminating on negative feelings. On that note, my next tip is…

Explore new interests — use this time as an opportunity to explore new interests or hobbies, which can help you meet new people and expand your social circle. Not only does this distract you from the pain of the breakup, but it also fosters personal growth and self-discovery. Start by making a list of things you’ve always wanted to try and take the first step towards exploring one of them; you might also find it helpful to revisit old hobbies that once brought you joy. OK, next…

Reflect on the friendship — take some time to think about the friendship, including the good times you had together as well as the reasons for the breakup. This can provide closure and valuable insights into what you value in relationships. It helps you learn from the experience, potentially guiding your expectations and boundaries in future friendships. You might find it helpful to journal your thoughts or to discuss them with someone you trust. Next…

Reconnect with old friends — consider reaching out to friends you may have lost touch with; rekindling these connections can provide comfort and remind you of the joy that friendships bring. Always remember that relationships can endure and flourish, even after a period of distance. Try sending a simple message to check in and say ‘hi’, or suggesting a catch-up. OK, next…

Seek new social outlets — join clubs, groups, or online communities that align with your interests, all of which can serve to introduce you to potential new friends who share common interests… which can be revitalising, and boost your mood. Try researching local groups and attending events, or using social media and websites dedicated to connecting people with shared hobbies. Next…

Rediscover yourself — try consciously using this time to rediscover who you are outside of the friendship. This allows you to reconnect with your values, interests, and personal goals, which may have been overshadowed by the friendship. Try new activities or revisit old ones that you may have neglected. I covered values in Episode 138 and goals in Episode 209 so you’ll find those helpful. OK, next…

Set new personal goals — this is about taking control and providing yourself with a sense of direction and purpose during a time that may feel aimless, and it helps you to focus your energy on positive growth and achievements. Whether it’s running a 5k, learning a new language, or improving your cooking skills, choose goals that excite you and map out small, actionable steps to achieve them. Next…

Practice gratitude — focusing on what you’re thankful for in your life can shift your perspective from loss to appreciation, and it helps by reducing bitterness and fostering a more positive mindset. Keep a gratitude journal, or simply reflect on three things you’re grateful for each day. I have a simple digital Daily Reflection Tool that can help you do all that, plus there’s a Masterclass you can buy to go with it that’s like a coaching session with me; find them at the link in the episode description or head to ltamh.com to get yours now. OK, so my next tip is…

Plan fun activities — and that simply means to make plans you can look forward to, whether that’s alone or with other friends. This creates positive anticipation and joy, counteracting the sadness associated with the friendship’s ending. Try planning a day trip, checking out a new restaurant, or scheduling a movie night. Next…

Volunteer — giving your time to causes you care about can provide a sense of purpose and connection. Volunteering helps shift the focus from your own situation to the needs of others, providing a valuable perspective shift and the opportunity to meet new people. Find local charities or online platforms to identify opportunities that resonate with you. Next…

Look forward — remind yourself that it’s okay to move forward. While the end of a friendship can be painful, it also opens up space for new relationships and experiences. Looking forward encourages a mindset of growth and optimism. You can do this by consciously taking small steps each day towards your goals, whether they’re related to your career, personal development, or social life.

And for more tips on how to deal with friendship breakups, watch my final weekly video; it’s out now on YouTube and Spotify, and it’s linked in the episode description.

Summary and Close-out

Because when it comes to friendship breakups and mental health, what it all boils down to is this: the end of a friendship can be painful… but it’s important to remember that while this chapter closes, the story of your life continues to unfold with endless possibilities. Each step you take towards healing, be it acknowledging your feelings, seeking new connections, or rediscovering your own passions, is a step towards a brighter and more resilient you. Let this experience be a catalyst for growth, opening your heart to new friendships, new adventures, and a deeper understanding of yourself.

The choice is yours, as it is with all things related to your wellbeing… so, what choice will YOU make today? 

Each week I like to finish up by sharing a quote about the week’s topic, and I encourage you to take a few moments to really reflect on it and consider what it means to you. This week’s quote is by an unknown author, and it is:

“Some people will leave, but that’s not the end of your story. That’s the end of their part in your story.”

Unknown

Alright… that’s nearly it for this week.

What are you taking away from this episode? If you’re on Spotify you can answer in the Q&A section below, otherwise you can let me know on Instagram @ltamentalhealth or by commenting on the transcript, which you can have delivered to your inbox each week, along with my newsletter Thursday Thoughts; sign up at ltamh.com or use the link in the episode description. And for more tips follow me on my other Instagram account @itsjeremygodwin, and support my work plus get early access to ad-free episodes on Patreon. 

Next week I’ll be talking about difficult parents. A lot of people are fortunate to have wonderful, loving parents who treat them with kindness and support… and then there are those of us, myself included, who deal with pain and suffering at the hands of those who raised us. Coming to terms with that, and working through all of the emotional trauma that creates well into adulthood, is hard work, and so next time I’m going to be talking about how to do just that. I’ll be talking about what difficult parents are, why they have such a big impact on us, and how to manage your mental health if you have difficult parents.

I hope you’ll join me for that episode, which will be released on Sunday the 3rd of March, 2024.

Thank you very much for joining me today. Look after yourself and make a conscious effort to share positivity and kindness in the world, because you get back what you put out. Take care and talk to you next time!

Jeremy 🙂

Let’s Talk About Mental Health is an independent program proudly produced by Reconnaissance Media, helping you find gratitude and meaning. For more information visit reconnaissancemedia.com

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The information provided in this episode is for general awareness on the topic and does not constitute advice. You should consult a doctor and/or a mental health professional if you are struggling with your mental health and wellbeing. You’ll find additional information on the Resources page of this website.