What are toxic relationships? What are the effects of a toxic relationship on your mental health, and what are the behaviours you should never tolerate? And, most importantly, how can you deal with relationship toxicity?
That’s what I’m talking about this week here on Let’s Talk About Mental Health — the weekly podcast that makes mental health simple. So… get comfortable, and let’s talk!
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Read the full episode transcript:
This podcast episode was originally released on 21 April, 2024.
Hello and welcome to Episode 228 of Let’s Talk About Mental Health, and thanks for joining me as I talk about toxic relationships and mental health!
I’m Jeremy Godwin, and this isn’t your regular podcast full of interviews and random opinions. I’m a mental health counsellor and writer, and each week I look at one specific aspect of better mental health and I share simple and practical tips you can apply immediately, all based on quality research and my own experience of learning to live with anxiety and depression after a breakdown in 2011 that changed my life.
In this episode I’ll be talking about what toxic relationships are, how they impact your mental health, and how to manage toxic relationships.
So, let’s talk!
Introduction
It was the great Gloria Gaynor who told us all the way back in 1978 what to say in a toxic relationship:
“Go on and go, walk out the door
Turn around now
You’re not welcome anymore…”
Now… there are, of course, as many different types of relationships (and situation-ships) as there are stars in the night sky, and so I’m very well aware that it’s not a ‘one-size-fits-all’ type of thing when it comes to dealing with toxic relationships or dysfunctional ones.
I previously covered dysfunctional relationships back in Episode 168, where I focused a lot more on how to try and address the cause of issues in those sorts of relationships, but today I’m taking that conversation a step further and talking about the reality of hot-mess and completely-toxic relationships… because they suck.
I’m going to tell you up-front today that staying in any kind of truly-toxic relationship is never the right choice — for your mental health or for your well-being in general — and really the reason why is that you absolutely, categorically deserve better than having to put up with someone who treats you badly (regardless of the type of relationship we’re talking about: romantic, family, work, friendship, etc.). So, you’ll be hearing me encouraging you to take action (and not put up with crap!) throughout today’s episode.
But, before I get into all that, it’s probably best if we get ourselves on the same page with some definitions. So, let’s talk about…
What are toxic relationships?
Alright, so let’s start by unpacking what I mean by ‘toxic relationships’ in a broad sense.
At its core, a toxic relationship is one that consistently feels draining and negative for one or more people involved. It’s not just about the occasional disagreement or rough patch that many relationships go through; rather, it’s characterised by persistent patterns of behaviour that undermine your sense of wellbeing and happiness. This could manifest in many different ways, such as through actions that are emotionally manipulative, excessively critical, or even controlling. Essentially, these types of relationships leave you feeling worse off for having been in them, rather than supported or uplifted.
They can be any type of relationship, but generally-speaking they’re more likely to be intimate relationships, like a romantic one, and they often involve an imbalance of power, where one person consistently asserts their dominance over the other, leading to a relationship that isn’t based on mutual respect but, rather, on control. This imbalance can result in many different challenges including emotional intimidation, financial control, or even the misuse of physical strength. It’s also possible for some relationships to be toxic in nature because both parties behave in unhealthy or harmful ways, resulting in a seemingly never-ending spiral of mutual torment and general nastiness.
Now, talking more specifically about the mental health context, toxic relationships often operate by eroding your self-esteem and happiness, leading to increased stress, anxiety, and even depression. The constant negativity can make it difficult to maintain a healthy perspective on life, affecting your ability to make decisions, maintain other healthy relationships, or feel confident in your own abilities. The stress caused by these types of relationships can also have tangible effects on your physical health, causing issues like sleep disturbances, changes in appetite, and increased vulnerability to illnesses due to the stress-induced weakening of the immune system.
In these dynamics, you might find yourself walking on eggshells, constantly bracing for the next issue or blowup, which can be incredibly taxing mentally and emotionally. It’s a bit like being in a perpetual state of alert, where your energy is continuously diverted away from personal growth and happiness towards managing the turmoil in the relationship.
Understanding the characteristics of toxic relationships is the first step towards addressing their impact on mental health; it’s about recognising the signs within a relationship that’s more harmful than healthy. From there, you can begin to consider ways to address the situation, which I’ll explore shortly.
Let’s first discuss some of the signs to look out for. Spotting the signs of a toxic relationship is key to protecting your mental and emotional health; these relationships can often start off positively, which can make it tricky to notice when things start going sour. Keep an eye out for certain tell-tale signs: if you’re often left feeling down, anxious, or exhausted after interactions with the person, or if you notice a lack of support, where your achievements and feelings are dismissed. Control is a really big red flag, too, whether it’s dictating what you wear, your social circle, or even your thoughts and feelings. Isolation, constant criticism, and being made to feel like you have to walk on eggshells around someone signal deep issues, as do gaslighting and a disregard for your boundaries. And if you’re feeling trapped or notice an unhealthy level of jealousy or possessiveness, these are clear indicators that the relationship could be doing more harm than good.
Acknowledging these signs is the first step towards a healthier you. It might mean setting boundaries (and sticking to them), seeking external support, or in some cases, leaving the relationship behind entirely.
Also, let me just say this: don’t delude yourself into thinking that you can ‘fix’ the person, or change them… that never works, and all it does is lead to misery. Sure, you can influence someone… but it’s like the old saying goes: you can lead a horse to water, but you can’t make it drink. Toxic is toxic. If you’re honest with yourself, you’ll recognise that the signs I mentioned earlier aren’t ones that might have happened by accident, or because the person is just a bit misunderstood… anyone who’s going to manipulate and control another person isn’t the kind of person you should be around. It’s a bit like buying a house: don’t confuse somewhere that just needs a little bit of light renovation work with a condemned property that needs to be demolished!
Here’s the thing: it’s crucial to remember how important it is to look after yourself and to strive for relationships that bring out the best in you, offering support and positivity… just as it’s crucial not to put up with toxic crap. Recognising and acting on warning signs can pave the way for a happier, healthier future, surrounded by people who truly value and uplift you.
Now, let’s talk about…
How toxic relationships affect your mental health
OK, so the thing is that a toxic relationship can have a massive impact on your wellbeing, affecting not just your emotional state but also your physical health, social connections, and even the relationship you have with yourself. The toll it takes can range from lowering your self-esteem and self-worth, where constant criticism and manipulation may make you question your value and your abilities, through to heightened stress and anxiety caused by continuous tension. Existing in these types of situations or environments for a prolonged period of time can lead you to spiral into depression, made worse by isolation and a feeling of hopelessness.
Beyond that, the stress associated with toxic relationships doesn’t just affect your mind; it can manifest in physical symptoms like sleep disturbances, headaches, and more serious health issues over time, highlighting the deep interconnection between mental stress and your physical wellbeing.
Toxic relationships can lead to weakened social networks, since you can become isolated from friends and family in your efforts to avoid conflict or control from the other person. This sense of isolation chips away at your support system, which is essential for your emotional resilience.
On top of that, the relentless focus and energy that you spend on these types of relationships can take away from your work, hobbies, goals, and other positive relationships. There’s also the significant impact on your sense of self and your future relationships; the longer you’re exposed to toxic relationships, the more it can lead you to be fearful of new connections and the more it can result in you losing your personal identity, as you mould yourself to meet the other person’s demands.
On a deeper level, navigating your way out of toxic relationship dynamics can have huge impacts on your mental health. It can reduce anxiety and depression, build your emotional resilience, and significantly enhance your self-awareness. By freeing yourself from the energy-draining cycle of toxic relationships, you can start to unlock mental energy that was previously bogged down in navigating all the drama and toxicity, allowing more space for you to focus on the things you enjoy. Plus, achieving emotional stability becomes more attainable when you actively remove the sources of stress and negativity that previously led to unpredictable emotional highs and lows.
In essence, taking steps to address and potentially leave toxic relationships is a powerful act of self-respect and it’s an essential part of safeguarding your mental health and your future happiness. It’s a testament to your strength and self-respect, and a crucial step towards a more balanced and peaceful state of mind.
So, how do you do all that? Well, let’s first take a quick break to hear from the brands who help me create this show each week…
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And welcome back! Now let’s get into the how-to part of today’s episode and let’s talk about…
How to manage toxic relationships
OK, first, recognise the signs — this is about being honest with yourself and acknowledging how the relationship makes you feel. If you’re constantly drained, feel belittled, or anxious, these are all massive red flags… and if anything I’ve covered today has resonated with you, that’s a surefire sign that you need to pay attention. Acknowledging these signs is the first step towards change, and it helps move you from a place of uncertainty to one of clarity, where action can be taken (and I’ll come back to how to do that in a minute). First, let’s talk through my next point…
Never tolerate or accept toxic behaviours — OK, so this is the big, loud reminder that you deserve better… much better. Regardless of what type of relationship it is — romantic, familial, or platonic — certain behaviours should just never be accepted because they fundamentally undermine respect, trust, and safety, the cornerstones of any healthy bond. Key red flags include any form of abuse (like physical, emotional, sexual, or psychological abuse), controlling or harmful behaviour, manipulation tactics like gaslighting that erode your self-esteem and independence, and a lack of respect that can manifest in many forms, such as constant criticism, belittlement, or disrespect for boundaries. Other serious concerns include dishonesty, excessive jealousy or possessiveness, threats or intimidation, isolating you from your support networks, substance abuse (without willingness to seek help), infidelity, and financial abuse. These behaviours not only compromise your well-being but point to a relationship that’s a far cry from the kind of mutual respect and understanding associated with healthy relationships. OK, so let’s talk about how to address these types of issues, starting with…
Set clear boundaries — boundaries are your personal limits on what you will and will not tolerate, and they’re essential when you’re dealing with toxic relationships. It might mean limiting the amount of time you spend with the person or specifying topics you’re not willing to discuss, and then (most importantly) sticking to your boundaries. This asserts your self-respect and it signals to other people how you expect to be treated, and that you won’t settle for anything less. I covered boundaries back in Episode 53 if you’d like to explore the topic further. OK, next…
Seek support — navigating a toxic relationship can be emotionally exhausting, and so seeking support from friends, family, or a professional can provide you with the strength and perspective you need to address the situation. It’s helpful because it ensures you’re not dealing with these challenges alone and it allows you to gain insights and advice from others. You can seek support by reaching out to someone you trust, joining a support group, or by looking for a counsellor who can guide you through the process. Next…
Practice assertiveness — being assertive is about expressing your thoughts, feelings, and needs in a respectful but firm manner (and it’s a topic I covered back in Episode 45). Practicing assertiveness helps because it reinforces your sense of self-respect and encourages others to treat you with the respect you deserve, and it’s crucial when dealing with toxic individuals who may disregard boundaries; you need to be able to stand up for yourself, and to demand what you need. It can help to practice assertiveness by role-playing scenarios with a trusted friend or therapist, focusing on maintaining a calm but firm tone, so that it’s easier (and familiar) when you’re in a more challenging situation. OK, next…
Use “I” statements — when you’re communicating your feelings or boundaries, use “I” statements like “I feel” or “I need,” rather than accusations. This approach focuses on your feelings and experiences, reducing the likelihood of defensive reactions; it allows for more constructive communication and reduces the escalation of conflict. You can practice this by thinking carefully about what you want to express beforehand and framing it in a way that puts your feelings at the centre. Next…
Stay grounded in your reality — in toxic relationships, gaslighting can make you question your perceptions and memories; keeping a journal or talking to trusted friends can help you stay grounded in your reality. This helps to validate your experiences and feelings, reinforcing your sense of self. Try regularly documenting your feelings and experiences, particularly after interactions with the toxic individual. OK, next…
Plan for resistance — so, when you start setting boundaries or changing how you interact, you can most likely expect some resistance; planning for it can help you stay firm in your decisions. Understanding that resistance is a natural reaction to change allows you to prepare emotionally and mentally. Consider possible scenarios and objections, and rehearse your responses or actions so you feel more calm and in-control during the actual discussion. Next…
Limit contact — if you can, limit your exposure to the toxic individual. That might mean cutting back on the time you spend together or opting for group settings rather than one-on-one interactions. Limiting contact is helpful because it reduces the opportunities for toxic behaviour to affect you. Try scheduling meetings in public places, keeping interactions brief, and being selective about events you attend. OK, next…
Develop an exit plan — if you’re in a situation where the best solution is to leave the toxic relationship (and let’s be honest, no toxic relationship is worth staying in because of the damage it does to your well-being), then it’s crucial to have a plan. An exit plan might involve logistical considerations like financial independence or finding a place to stay, as well as emotional support from friends, family, or professionals. This helps provide a clear path forward and ensures that you’re not leaving one stressful situation for another. You can start by listing the steps you need to take to leave safely and securely, and seek advice from professionals or support services if necessary. And that leads to my next point…
Find the strength to leave — look, making the choice to leave a toxic relationship is a deeply personal one. It starts with acknowledging the impact the relationship has on your emotional health, and recognising the need to value your own well-being. Talking with friends, family, or professionals can give you the emotional support and practical advice you need to navigate the way forward, and making the decision to respect yourself helps you to find the courage you need to take those first steps. There really is a life beyond toxicity, where you can find peace of mind at last… you just have to take things one step at a time, and rely on your support network. And if you feel hesitant, it’s a matter of reminding yourself that nothing changes if nothing changes… you can’t change anybody other than yourself, and so if you want better then you need to choose better. It’s daunting — there’s no doubt of that — but it’s also one of the most important choices you’ll ever make for yourself. OK, continuing on, my next tip is…
Prioritise your safety — in cases where a toxic relationship involves abuse of any form, prioritising your physical and emotional safety is paramount. Everything else is secondary. Don’t worry about logistics, or what you’re going to tell people… focus on your safety first and foremost. That might involve seeking help from authorities or specialised organisations designed to protect individuals in abusive situations. Your well-being and safety are paramount, and situations involving abuse require immediate attention and action. Begin by reaching out to a local organisation that offers advice and support for those in abusive relationships, or asking a trusted family member or friend to help you find support. OK, next…
Take time for reflection — so, after leaving a toxic relationship, give yourself time to reflect and heal. This period isn’t just about quickly moving on but about understanding what happened, what you’ve learned, and how you can grow from the experience so that you can move forward with the benefit of wisdom. This reflection helps you to process your emotions and ensures that you’re moving forward with awareness and self-compassion. You can do this through journaling, meditation, therapy, etc. And, speaking of reflection, my next tip is…
Reflect on your relationship patterns — and this is about taking time to understand any recurring themes or issues that may contribute to finding yourself in toxic relationships, so you know what to look out for next time; this can lead to personal growth and better decision-making in future relationships, and even just a greater level of self-awareness. Consider journaling about your past relationships or discussing them with a therapist to uncover and understand these patterns. OK, next…
Reclaim your interests — often, in toxic relationships, people can lose touch with their hobbies and interests due to the relationship’s all-consuming nature, so reconnecting with or discovering new interests can be a powerful form of healing and allow you to start reclaiming your identity and your sense of self. It allows you to rediscover joy and passion on your own terms, reinforcing your identity outside of the relationship. Start by making a list of interests you’ve neglected or new areas you’d like to explore, and take small steps to integrate them into your life.
Summary and Close-out
Because when it comes to toxic relationships and mental health, what it all boils down to is this: You are worth so much more than having to put up with being treated badly by some person who doesn’t have the decency to treat you with the respect you deserve. Yes, you do deserve better… and no, your relationship isn’t going to magically fix itself. If you want things to change then you need to change things, and that means choosing to put your needs and your self-respect first. Seek support, educate yourself, explore your options, and take steps to build your self-esteem and resilience. It might seem like a lot right now, but all you need to do is focus on taking things one step at a time and you will be OK… with time, effort, and perseverance. Just remember that your future starts with the choices you make today.
The choice is yours, as it is with all things related to your wellbeing… so, what choice will YOU make today?
Each week I like to finish up by sharing a quote about the week’s topic, and I encourage you to take a few moments to really reflect on it and consider what it means to you. This week’s quote is by an unknown author, and it is:
“Toxic people and relationships erode your quality of life.”
Unknown
Alright… that’s nearly it for this week.
How do you deal with toxic relationships? If you’re on Spotify you can share in the Q&A section below, otherwise let me know on Instagram @ltamentalhealth or by commenting on the transcript, which you can have delivered to your inbox each week, along with my newsletter Thursday Thoughts; sign up at ltamh.com or use the link in the episode description. And for more mental health tips follow my other Instagram account @itsjeremygodwin, and support my work plus get early access to ad-free episodes on Patreon for just a small amount each month.
Next week I’ll be talking about limiting beliefs. All-too-often in life we put limitations and restrictions on ourselves that just aren’t there, like convincing ourselves that we’re no good at this or that and we’ll never be, and when we do that we can end up doing a lot of harm to our mental and emotional health. But what if we could learn to break free from limiting beliefs, and to see potential rather than problems? Opportunities, instead of obstacles? Well, we can… and I’m going to be discussing how to do that in my next episode! I’ll be talking about what limiting beliefs are, why they affect your mental health, and how to overcome limiting beliefs.
That episode will be released on the 28th of April, 2024, and I hope you’ll join me for it! Hit ‘follow’ or ‘subscribe’ on your podcast service to make sure you never miss an episode.
Thank you very much for joining me today. Look after yourself and make a conscious effort to share positivity and kindness in the world, because you get back what you put out. Take care and talk to you next time!
Jeremy 🙂
Let’s Talk About Mental Health is an independent program proudly produced by Reconnaissance Media, helping you find gratitude and meaning. For more information visit reconnaissancemedia.com
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The information provided in this episode is for general awareness on the topic and does not constitute advice. You should consult a doctor and/or a mental health professional if you are struggling with your mental health and wellbeing. You’ll find additional information on the Resources page of this website.
Great post 🌹🌹
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Thanks!
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