What is resentment? Why do we feel resentment and anger sometimes? And can you learn how to overcome resentment?
That’s what I’m talking about this week here on Let’s Talk About Mental Health — the weekly podcast that makes mental health simple. So, get comfortable, and let’s talk!
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Read the full episode transcript:
This podcast episode was originally released on 28 January, 2024.
Hello and welcome to Episode 216 of Let’s Talk About Mental Health, and thanks so much for joining me as I talk about resentment and mental health!
I’m Jeremy Godwin and I teach you how to look after your mental wellbeing, with practical tips you can apply immediately based on quality research and my own experience of learning to live with anxiety and depression after a breakdown in 2011 that changed my life. Each week I teach you simple ways to improve one specific aspect of your wellbeing.
In this episode I’ll be talking about what resentment is, why dealing with it matters, and how to work through feelings of resentment.
So, let’s talk about resentment!
Introduction
If you’ve ever found yourself holding a grudge or resenting someone for something they did or didn’t do, then you’ll know that it’s hardly the nicest feeling in the world… and not only does it rarely resolve issues, but it often tends to do a lot more harm to you than anything.
Now, I’m hardly the patron saint of forgiveness — if you push me too far I am prone to turning like a cut snake — but I know that carrying around a lot of resentment can be toxic, which is why I’ve been working very hard to let go of resentment over the past few years. While I refuse to let anyone off from poor behaviour (or worse) completely scot-free, I’m also not willing to let animosity and resentment eat away at my soul… which is why I have a tendency to walk away from relationships where I feel like it’s gone past the point of no return. Maybe that isn’t always the healthiest approach, but to be frank I feel like if I’ve reached the point of resentment then there’s no going back, because I can’t un-know what I now know. I’m dealing with that at the moment with two of my aunts, and I’ll discuss that a little bit later (and a quick side note here: I chose this topic about six months ago, and I love how so often these topics become super-relevant to what’s going on in my life when it finally comes time to write them!.
Anyway… resentment is one of those things that most of us (if not all of us) will probably experience at least once or twice in our lives (or once or twice a day if you’re on a so-called ‘reality’ TV show like The Real Housewives of wherever they’ve rounded up a cast of angry people with too much time on their hands). Look, we’re never going to get along with one another 100% of the time, and conflict can be a healthy thing… assuming that everyone involved wants to handle things like an adult and find a way to move forward. Unfortunately egos get in the way, or misunderstandings happen, and all of that can lead to the conflict escalating to the point of no return (which also happens to be the name of a very good pop song by American group Exposé from the 80’s, just FYI!). So many of the issues I’ve seen between people, regardless of the type of relationship, comes back to deep-seated resentments that have been festering away for months or years; if we could just resolve our issues and move forward, things could be very different for many of us.
So before we go any further, let’s get ourselves on the same page with some definitions and let’s talk about…
What is resentment?
And my trusty little helper, the Oxford Dictionary, defines it as, “bitter indignation at having been treated unfairly.” So, basically, it’s an intense feeling related to having been hurt by the words or actions of another person, and it’s an emotional response that can bubble up to the surface when you feel like you’ve been on the receiving end of unfair treatment.
For example, let’s say you’ve been slogging away on a project at work and then a colleague ends up getting equal credit and praise for the result, even though they put in hardly any effort (same goes for group assignments if you’re studying; they’re an absolute nightmare!). You might find yourself feeling frustrated or thinking, “Wait, that’s not fair!” — that’s resentment. It’s like your own little personal storm cloud, rumbling away with feelings of hurt, anger, or indignation.
Resentment can happen at work or in your personal life, however I’d say that generally-speaking the closer the relationship the harder it can tend to be to let go of resentment.
For example, let’s say a close friend suddenly starts spending most of their time with a new friend; you might feel abandoned, upset, confused… and you may find yourself resenting their new friend or even resenting your friend (or maybe you just end up resenting everyone and come up with a soap-opera-style plan for revenge, like when Kimberly blew up the apartment block on Melrose Place).
Now let’s talk about holding a grudge. If resentment can be like a personal storm cloud, holding a grudge is like building a collection of them; your own stormy weather cell, ready to wreak havoc on anyone who dares to cross you. It’s when you keep hold of thepse feelings of resentment over time, potentially allowing them to build and build. Imagine someone borrowed your favourite book and never returned it, and every time you see them there’s a little flicker of annoyance… that’s a grudge. It’s like keeping a mental ledger of wrongs, and it can become quite a heavy load to carry.
On that note, let me read you a quote from VeryWell Mind about resentment. It is:
“Whether a conscious act or unintentional, being hurt by someone else often has a lasting impact on us. It ignites a flurry of emotions—anger, sadness, frustration, confusion, and indignation—floods our minds, and can leave us with a lingering sense of deep injustice. For some, these feelings can swirl and fester in our minds, leading to ongoing resentment toward the situation or the offender. […] The problem with resentment is that it’s something we hold within ourselves. In that sense, it often ends up impacting us more than it does the offender.”
And you’ll find that article linked in the transcript, available for free at ltamh.com (https://www.verywellmind.com/reasons-why-you-cant-let-go-of-resentment-7567841).
OK, so now let’s talk about…
Why dealing with resentment matters
And it matters because it’s either deal with it or let it eat away at you, potentially doing harm to your relationships and to both your physical and mental health (not to mention your overall life satisfaction).
Let’s first discuss the mental health impacts. Resentment can lead to persistent negative emotions like anger and bitterness, which can contribute to mental health issues like anxiety and depression. According to the Mayo Clinic, letting go of grudges and bitterness can lead to improved mental health, reduced anxiety and stress, less hostility, and fewer symptoms of depression (and that article is linked in the transcript https://www.mayoclinic.org/healthy-lifestyle/adult-health/in-depth/forgiveness/art-20047692).
Resentment doesn’t just stay in the mind; it can have physical implications too. Research by Johns Hopkins Medicine notes that chronic anger and resentment can result in changes in heart rate, blood pressure, and immune response, increasing the risk of heart disease, diabetes, and other conditions; on the other hand, forgiveness and resolving resentment can lead to improved physical health, including lower blood pressure and a stronger immune system (and, again, that’s linked in the transcript https://www.hopkinsmedicine.org/health/wellness-and-prevention/forgiveness-your-health-depends-on-it).
Resentment can also severely damage personal and professional relationships. It can lead to a breakdown in communication and trust, making it hard to maintain healthy and fulfilling relationships.
It can also hinder your personal development and growth. Because resentment keeps you focused on past grievances, it prevents you from moving forward.
In a mental health context, holding onto resentment and grudges is a bit like clinging to a prickly bush — it hurts, but sometimes letting go feels even harder. Clinging to it can feel like strength, or like you’re taking control so that nobody else can hurt you, but you usually just wind up hurting yourself more. I mean, let’s face it: I’m going to guess that most of the people who’ve hurt you (in fact, probably all of them) aren’t walking around day-in-day-out thinking about the thing that you’re furious at them for, so you’re sitting there seething and eating away at your own happiness while they’re just going about their business, completely oblivious to the fact they’ve pissed you off.
Carrying around feelings of resentment can create a constant undercurrent of tension and negativity in your mind, and that’s exhausting. It’s like having a background app running on your phone all the time, draining the battery. It can lead to stress, anxiety, and even impact your relationships with others.
I mentioned my current family issues earlier; long story short, one aunt decided to argue with me because I refused to give in to what she was pushing me to do, and now the other aunt (her sister) has joined in so I have the two of them refusing to speak to me instead of having an adult conversation about things (and also instead of recognising that it’s my choice what I do or don’t do, regardless of whether or not they approve). There’s obviously a lot more to it and I won’t go into too much detail, other than to say I’ve been having lengthy conversations with my therapist and my partner about things because I was so hurt and angry (it didn’t help that I found out about the other aunt getting in on the action with the whole ‘let’s punish Jeremy for not wanting to talk to his abusive mother, in spite of his post traumatic stress disorder’ thing two days before Christmas, and so I spent Christmas feeling completely isolated and ostracised by my family… but hey, as long as they think they’re doing the right thing, all the best to them). Am I still hurt and angry? You’re damned right I am. But I can’t let it eat away at me, and I’ve had to accept that I’m in the middle of processing my grief around the fact that my relationship with both of them has fundamentally changed; for me there’s no going back and it would be impossible to just pretend everything was OK after all this, because I have too much self-respect… but I do need to process these feelings and work towards letting go of resentment, because I don’t want to feel the way I’ve been feeling these past few weeks.
Here’s the thing. Generally-speaking resentment can cast a shadow over your overall outlook on life, leading to a persistent sense of unhappiness and dissatisfaction. By addressing and resolving these feelings, you can start to experience a greater sense of peace, contentment, satisfaction and happiness in your life.
Resentment is a perfectly natural human emotion, but it can become uncomfortable mental baggage if you don’t eventually learn to unpack it and let it go. It’s that old cliché that holding a grudge is like letting someone live rent-free in your head — and who wants that?! I don’t know about you, but I’d much rather focus on creating a life for myself that feels satisfying rather than letting someone’s inconsiderate and thoughtless actions rob me of my joy!
Resentment is the opposite of compassion, and while you don’t have to let someone ‘get away with’ something, you need to understand the impact that resentment has on you and just how much it keeps you stuck in the past… and then make the decision to let go so you can move forward.
So, how do you do that? Well, let’s first take a quick break to hear from the brands who help me create this show each week…
AD BREAK
And welcome back!
Now let’s get into the how-to part of today’s episode and let’s talk about…
How to work through feelings of resentment
OK, first acknowledge the resentment — and by that I mean to be honest with yourself about what you’re feeling and why, and label it truthfully as resentment. My reason for saying this is that the human mind has an outstanding ability to convince itself of almost anything, and so we need to take a step back and objectively label things for what they are; sure, you may feel completely justified in your hurt or anger or indignation, but that doesn’t change the fact that letting those feelings fester is going to do real harm to you in the long run. Acknowledging your resentment is the first step in addressing it, so that you can move forward and begin to heal. OK, next…
Reflect on the impact — think about how the resentment is affecting your life. Is it impacting your relationships, your mood, or even your health? Recognising these impacts can be a really powerful motivator for change. This reflection helps because it makes the cost of holding onto resentment much more tangible and real; if you’re sitting in anger or sadness, those feelings are going to most likely build and build… and that will most definitely start to cause issues in all areas of your life. A simple way to do this is by journaling your feelings and the effects you notice. Next…
Express your feelings — it’s important to acknowledge and express what you’re feeling to help you process your emotions and reduce their power over you; it’s the ‘let it out to get it out’ thing in action. The fact is that if you keep on carrying this stuff around it’s not going to just magically disappear… usually it builds and builds over time, which can make things worse, so it’s better to find a healthy way to express what you’re feeling. Using this technique works by helping to move your internal emotions into an external space, providing some clarity and relief. Try talking with a professional or with someone you trust, writing in a journal, or even creating art as a means of expressing your feelings. OK, so my next tip is…
Objectively evaluate your thoughts — OK, I get it, you’re mad/sad/insert emotion here… but how much of that is coming from the narrative your mind has created about the perceived injustice or wrongdoing? Look, I’m not trying to downplay your side of things whatsoever but let’s face it… in any situation there are generally three versions of the truth: yours, theirs, and the truth, which will usually fall somewhere in the middle. For example, in my current situation, am I mad? Yes! Am I hurt? Beyond belief! But I can also recognise that my two aunts are defending their sister, my mother, so they have a different perspective on things; even if there’s a big part of me that cannot even begin to process how they choose to defend my mother after everything that woman did to me, which they both know about, but I can somewhat see where they’re coming from. Stepping back and considering if all of your thoughts are entirely true and fair, and considering all angles, at least helps to soften the edges of your anger a bit and it allows you to break down the resentment ‘story’ a bit. OK, so my next tip is…
Seek closure — sometimes, addressing the issue directly with the person involved can help; if it feels appropriate, and if you’re able to communicate with the person, have a calm and honest conversation about how their actions affected you, which can potentially lead to mutual understanding and healing. Closure is beneficial because it replaces assumptions with actual information and understanding. However… you’ll notice I said ‘sometimes’ and that’s because it’s not always as clean-cut and straightforward as having a conversation and finding a sense of closure. Sometimes you’ll find it raises more questions than it answers, and often it can lead to a sense of dissatisfaction because you can never get an answer to the question you really want resolved: the “how could you?” question. Closure is something you can’t rely on from others, but which you can absolutely give yourself; how to do that is a much bigger discussion which I covered in detail in Episode 178 about closure, so check that out. OK, next…
Focus on the present — dwelling on past events keeps the grudge alive, so shift your focus to the present and future. That doesn’t mean you have to pretend it didn’t happen (please don’t try that, because that’s about as unhealthy as it gets!) but it means to stop going over and over things or wishing for a different outcome; what’s done is done, and you cannot un-know what you now know. The question here is: what can you do now, for the sake of your well-being? Focusing on the present helps you to direct your energy towards what you can control (and I talked about how to do that in Episode 215). OK, next…
Practice self-compassion — be kind to yourself throughout the process, because resentment can sometimes make us critical of ourselves. Practicing self-compassion means treating yourself with the same kindness you’d offer a friend, and it can help to reduce self-criticism and foster greater resilience. Make time for self-care activities and remind yourself that it’s alright to feel hurt and it’s alright to take time to heal. OK, next…
Develop healthy coping strategies — when feelings of resentment arise, have a plan to manage them; that could mean taking some time for deep breathing, going for a walk, or talking to a friend. Developing healthy coping strategies by identifying activities that calm your mind helps to interrupt the cycle of rumination and provides an outlet for your feelings. I covered coping strategies in Episode 179, so you’ll find that helpful for more ideas. OK, my next tip is…
Focus on gratitude — shifting your focus to the positive aspects of your life can help to dilute the impact of resentment; the more you focus on the positives, the less prominent and loud the negatives can seem. Keep a gratitude journal or simply spend a few moments each day reflecting on what you’re thankful for. OK, next…
Set boundaries — if the source of your resentment is ongoing, like a colleague or family member, then setting and resetting clear boundaries is absolutely essential. This might mean saying no to certain demands or limiting interaction with the person who caused the resentment. Setting boundaries helps to protect you from future harm and it can reinforce your self-respect (and I covered how to do that all the way back in Episode 53 about boundaries). Next…
Learn from the experience — consider what the experience of feeling resentful can teach you. Perhaps it’s about the need for stronger boundaries in general, or clearer communication, or understanding your own values better. Learning from the experience turns a negative situation into an opportunity for personal growth, so reflect on these lessons and how they can be applied to improve your future relationships and choices. OK, next…
Practice empathy — try to see the situation from the other person’s perspective. What might have been their motivations or circumstances? Empathy can help reduce the intensity of negative feelings and it humanises the person you’re feeling resentful towards, making it easier to let go of your anger or hurt. You can practice empathy by imagining yourself in their position or discussing the situation with a neutral third party. And that leads to my next tip…
Practice forgiveness — look, forgiveness isn’t about condoning the wrong actions of others but about freeing yourself from the burden of resentment. This doesn’t necessarily mean reconciliation; you can choose to forgive without speaking to the person again. This is about choosing not to carry around resentment so that you can move forward emotionally; resentment and grudges weigh you down, so this is more about letting them go for your sake than anything else. And that leads to my next point…
Visualise letting go — visualisation can be a powerful tool. Imagine the resentment as a physical object that you’re holding in your hands, and then visualise yourself gently letting it go. This exercise creates a mental image of releasing the burden, which can be psychologically powerful; practice this visualisation regularly to reinforce the idea of letting go. OK, next…
Seek support from others — sometimes talking to friends, family, or a support group can provide comfort and perspective; sharing your feelings with others who understand can be incredibly validating and relieving, and it provides a sense of not being alone in your experience. Reach out to people you trust and feel comfortable with for support, or try my next tip…
Seek professional help — if you have some deeply-rooted resentment and it’s significantly affecting your life, consider seeking help from a counsellor or therapist. Professional guidance can provide new perspectives and strategies for letting go, and a trained professional can offer tailored advice and support.
And for more tips on how to stop feeling angry and bitter, watch my latest video; it’s out now on YouTube and Spotify, and it’s linked in the episode description.
Summary and Close-out
Because when it comes to resentment and mental health, what it all boils down to is this: Learning how to overcome resentment is not only a step towards emotional freedom, but a journey to a more fulfilling, healthier, and happier life. By acknowledging and working through these feelings, you’re opening the door to improved mental and physical health, stronger relationships, and personal growth. Rather than letting yourself be weighed down by resentment and grudges, instead choose to let go and free yourself.
The choice is yours, as it is with all things related to your wellbeing… so, what choice will YOU make today?
Each week I like to finish up by sharing a quote about the week’s topic, and I encourage you to take a few moments to really reflect on it and consider what it means to you. This week’s quote is by an unknown author, and it is:
“You cannot see your reflection in boiling water. Similarly, you cannot see truth in a state of anger.”
Unknown
Alright… that’s nearly it for this week.
What’s the main thing you’re taking away from this episode? If you’re listening on Spotify you can answer in the Q&A section below; on any other platform you can let me know on Instagram @ltamentalhealth or by commenting on the transcript, which you can have delivered to your inbox each week, along with my newsletter Thursday Thoughts; sign up at ltamh.com or use the link in the episode description. Plus if you’d like more tips then follow me on my other Instagram account @itsjeremygodwin, and support my work plus get early access to ad-free episodes on Patreon.
Next week I’ll be talking about compulsions. Many of us find ourselves grappling with urges to behave a certain type of way, and those urges aren’t always in our best interests; compulsive behaviour can often lead to self-harm if it’s not managed carefully. So how do you do that? Well, that’s what I’m talking about next week! I’ll be talking about what compulsions are, why we need to manage them, and how to deal with compulsions in a thoughtful and considered way.
I hope you’ll join me for that episode, which will be released on Sunday the 4th of February, 2024.
Thank you very much for joining me today. Look after yourself and make a conscious effort to share positivity and kindness in the world, because you get back what you put out. Take care and talk to you next time!
Jeremy 🙂
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