Let’s Talk About… Closure

What is closure? How does closure work? And, more importantly, how can you find closure… even if you can’t have a conversation with the other person?

That’s what I’m talking about this week here on… Let’s Talk About Mental Health — the weekly podcast that helps you improve your mental health, with simple ideas you can put into practice immediately. So, get comfortable, and Let’s Talk About Mental Health…

Versión en español | Versão em português

Listen to this episode on Spotify:

Watch a Quick Video Version of this Episode:

Read the full episode transcript:

This podcast episode was originally released on 7 May, 2023.

Hello and welcome to Episode 178, and thanks so much for joining me as I talk about closure and mental health!

I’m Jeremy Godwin and I share practical tips for improving your mental health based on quality research and my own personal experience of learning how to live with anxiety and depression following a breakdown in late 2011 that completely changed my life. Each week I look at how to improve one specific aspect of your wellbeing. 

In this episode I’ll be talking about what closure is (and what it isn’t), why closure isn’t guaranteed, and how to find closure for yourself. So, let’s talk about closure!

Introduction

I once had a disappointment that took me the better part of a decade to make my peace with, and as tough as it was to deal with it turned out to be full of a lot of lessons not only about what happened but also about who I am as a person. Let me explain what I mean.

In 2012, I left my job running a contact centre because I was midway through my breakdown and I could barely function, so I just couldn’t work anymore; it turns out that it’s a bit hard to manage a large team when you can’t even make it through having a morning shower or going to the letterbox without descending into a crippling panic attack, but that’s a conversation for another day! 

Anyway, when I left I was immediately stunned that nobody from work bothered to get in touch with me. Look, I was hardly popular — I’d been brought in by senior management to make a bunch of very specific changes to the way the business ran which mostly involved putting in place structure and routine, rather than just letting everyone do what they wanted when they wanted it (turns out people don’t like being told what to do… who knew?!) — and so even though I knew there was a lot of resistance to the fact that I had been responsible for taking away some of the more ‘free range’ aspects of the way the contact centre ran, to be honest I didn’t think that my departure would go completely unnoticed and without a single goodbye from anyone. Like, anyone. It was basically the sounds of crickets. Frankly, it felt like a slap in the face. A really big slap in the face from a really big hand wearing a really big glove. It stung. 

The thing is that I fixated on it. Like, really fixated on it. To be fair, I was in the middle of my entire life crumbling around me as I descended into severe depression and anxiety, so I was hardly thinking about things rationally, but I let it get to me and it felt personal, especially when there had been a couple of people who I thought had been friends (or at least friendly acquaintances) who completely ignored my messages once I had left.

The pain and anguish actually stuck with me for ages and it took until probably 2019, or even 2020, for me to finally begin to let go of it, mainly because I started talking about things with my therapist and I quickly figured out that (a) my emotions were so heightened at the time that it meant everything negative that happened stuck out in my mind so much more, and (b) I honestly could care less what a bunch of people I barely knew thought about me, especially since they only knew a very specific ‘work version’ of me, and that I had just fixated on what had happened because it came at a really traumatising time in my life.

The point of this tale-of-woe is that it’s only been through learning why I felt the way I felt that I was able to start figuring out how to make my peace with it in order to let go of it; in hindsight I wish I had have been able to do that sooner, but I wasn’t ready at the time… now that I’m in a better place, I’ve been able to make my peace with things and give myself closure. 

So I’m going to talk you through how to do that as well (hopefully in far less time than it took me!), but first let’s get into some definitions and let’s talk about… 

What is closure?

And the Oxford Dictionary defines ‘closure’ as “a feeling that an emotional or traumatic experience has been resolved.”

Closure is basically about finding a sense of resolution or conclusion to some situation, event or relationship; it’s when you find a sense of peace about whatever happened (or didn’t happen), and where you ultimately reach a place of acceptance, often by developing a deeper level of understanding about whatever you went through or when you’ve dealt with something significant in your life (such as a breakup, losing a job, or dealing with any major life event). 

The idea of closure is to come to terms with what happened, work through the emotions, and eventually feel okay about moving forward. Everyone’s journey towards finding and embracing closure is different, and the way we each find it can really vary depending on your personality and the situation you’re dealing with. The entire point of closure, however, is to be able to find acceptance about whatever did (or didn’t happen) in order to make your peace with it, so that it’s not hanging over your head or keeping you trapped in the past.

Now let’s talk about what closure isn’t. Closure, in the sense of having a conversation with someone and getting all of your questions answered, isn’t the only way to move forward and it isn’t necessarily necessary. Is it helpful? Yes… but, I would caution you that even getting answers to all of the questions you have probably won’t satisfy you completely, because it’s more than likely that the answers will raise yet more questions and then even more beyond that, and the next thing you know you’ll have been talking for 14 years and still not scratched the surface in terms of finally feeling satisfied! It would be impossible to feel completely satisfied with whatever someone tells you, because you’ll inevitably have a whole bunch of different thoughts in terms of “if, this?” or “but… that!” and no amount of arguing or talking is going to wrap things up with a neat bow for you. You know, when I was younger I used to think I wanted an explanation from my Dad for why he left and then I rarely saw him… but no explanation would ever change the fact of what happened and how much it hurt, so instead it’s been my responsibility, as an adult, to make my peace with things so that they no longer hold power over me — that’s how you find true closure in life, not by having someone explain to you why they chose to behave like a butthole!

Here’s the thing: closure isn’t an excuse to air all of your grievances or have a final opportunity to settle the score, because none of that really works. Healthy closure is specifically about making your peace with things so you can move forward.

So, generally speaking, why does finding closure in a healthy way matter? 

Closure matters because it helps you to emotionally heal and move forward after a significant event or relationship in your life. Finding and achieving closure allows you to process your emotions, learn from the experience, and let go of any lingering attachments or negative feelings. 

It can help you to manage difficult emotions, like sadness, anger, or guilt, so that you can find greater emotional wellbeing. It can help with your personal growth, because it can bring with it greater self-awareness and personal insight, and it can lead to healthier relationships in the long term by helping you to better understand and learn from your past experiences. Closure can help you to reduce the stress and anxiety associated with holding onto unresolved feelings, and it can help you to come to terms with the reality of a situation so that you can find acceptance (because acceptance leads to calm, as opposed to resistance which tends to make things more difficult in the long run). And, most importantly, closure helps you to let go of the past, focus on the present, and look towards the future and move forward with a sense of hope, optimism and positivity. 

You’ll notice that I keep on saying ‘move forward’ rather than ‘moving on’, and the reason why I do that is a lot of people say to ‘move on’ from things when they’re basically saying, “suck it up and deal with it!” or “get over it!”… and those are two things that I don’t agree with. We need to feel what we need to feel, and we need to process our emotions in order to deal with what we’re feeling in a healthy way. Too often we’re encouraged to “just get on with it!” and that’s why there are so many people out there in the world dragging around so much emotional baggage that they have to pay extra fees when flying on budget airlines! Seriously, emotional baggage just weighs you down… and it has a tendency to worm its way into future situations and relationships, even if you try to ignore it, so it’s better to confront it and deal with it rather than pretending it’s not there and having it bite you on the backside just when you think you’ve got your life together.

I’ll talk about how to do that in a minute, but first let’s talk about… 

Why closure isn’t guaranteed

Closure is not guaranteed because it depends on a variety of factors, both internal and external, that can influence your ability to process and accept a significant life event or the end of a relationship. That means that, as uncomfortable as it may be, you need to be prepared to deal with uncertainty and the discomfort that often comes with never knowing (I mean, I can tell you for certain that I have friendships from the past that ended suddenly and I still have no idea what happened… but it is what it is, and knowing or not knowing doesn’t really change anything). 

There are lots of different reasons why you may find yourself dealing with having to find ways to heal and move forward in your life even without a definitive sense of closure.

For example, one or more people involved in the situation or relationship might not be ready emotionally to process the situation, or they may not be willing to allow themselves to come to terms with it (especially if they’re in denial, something I’ve covered previously in Episode 146 about denial); obviously this is something that can prolong the healing process and make closure a lot more difficult to achieve.

There could be a lack of communication, or maybe some or all of the people involved are unwilling or unable to communicate effectively. Maybe there’s ambiguity around the issues or there are unresolved matters that get in the way of open and honest communication, or maybe the people involved just have different ways of processing their emotions and healing from significant life events; what works for one person in terms of closure, like an honest discussion, might be uncomfortable or even horrifying for the other person (for example, where someone finds conflict and confrontation triggering or traumatic). Or, and let’s just be really blunt here, the other party just may not be available, or they may be unwilling to engage in a closure-focused conversation (or even any type of discussion), or maybe they’ve passed away and so are no longer with us to talk with. 

So, it’s about recognising that closure is a personal journey for each person, and understanding that you need to find your own way to achieve it. It may not be guaranteed, but you can still find ways to heal and move forward in your life even without a definitive sense of closure.

How do you do that? Well, that sounds like an ideal question to answer in the how-to part of today’s episode! So, let’s talk about… 

How to find closure for yourself

OK, so let me first start by saying that finding closure is a highly-personal and individual process that can vary from person to person, so there isn’t a magic ‘one size fits all’ approach to working through things… however, there are lots of practical things you can do to find closure after the end of a relationship or a significant life event, starting with:

Reflect on the situation — and that means taking some time to really think about the relationship or event, your emotions, and your role in the situation. Acknowledge your feelings and allow yourself to experience them without judgment; this helps you to be a lot more objective about things, instead of getting caught up in blame (because what’s happened has happened, and no amount of finger pointing is going to change that fact). OK, next… 

Communicate with the other person if you can — and this one isn’t always an option, but if it is at all possible then have an open and honest conversation with the other person involved. Share your thoughts and feelings, ask questions, and seek understanding to help you come to terms with the situation. However, like I’ve said throughout this episode, this doesn’t often happen (or even if it does, you may often find yourself left with more questions than answers!) so my next tip is…

Focus on acceptance — and that means accepting that not all situations will have clear resolutions or complete closure, so choosing to embrace the uncertainties and, instead of becoming overwhelmed by doubt and uncertainty, instead choosing to focus on the things you can directly control (which is yourself, and what you choose to do and say). I touched on this recently in Episode 173 about shock, so you may find that helpful especially if the situation or event came out of the blue (as they often do). Plus I covered acceptance back in Episode 36 so that will be handy as well. OK, so my next point is about how to start processing your feelings and it is…

Write it out to get it out — because if you let your thoughts and emotions just stay in your head then they’re going to go round round, baby round round like the Sugababes in their 2002 single Round Round (and yes I am old enough now that quoting a song from 2002 feels current even though it was 21 years ago, a fact that I find personally offensive!). Anyway, the point is that writing down your thoughts, feelings, and experiences can provide you with an outlet for your emotions and it can also help you to gain clarity about what you’re feeling, so either grab a journal or just some paper and a pen and write and write and write until you run out of steam; the point here isn’t to really worry about what you’re writing and you may not even want to go back and read it later — I certainly don’t when I do this ‘emotional dumping’ exercise — because this is more about getting it out of your head so it doesn’t keep on taking up valuable real estate in that brain of yours! Will that make it magically disappear? Probably not… but it will definitely help to soften the edges on it, and frankly it’s better to let it out than carrying it around with you like an overstuffed suitcase! And speaking of writing, my next tip is…

Write a letter — and let me preface this tip by saying don’t just write out all your emotions and then send it to the person, because that’s like the emotional equivalent of a hit-and-run and we don’t want to do that! But it can be really cathartic and cleansing to write everything out in a letter directed to the person (or people) involved in whatever happened or didn’t happen, expressing your thoughts and feelings about the situation. You don’t need to send the letter; the act of writing can be therapeutic in and of itself and it can really help you process your emotions, and this approach can be especially helpful for handling situations where you can’t speak to someone for whatever reason. Look, if you want to send the letter then go for it — your feelings are valid and you don’t have to diminish yourself to protect someone else’s feelings — but I do strongly advise you to do a ‘hold up, wait a minute’ and put the letter on the metaphorical back-burner for a little while before you even think about doing anything with it (the same goes for those heated emails we often bash out on the keyboard when we’re feeling some type of way about something). Why do I recommend that? Because anything created out of pure emotion is very unlikely to have any rational thought in it, and that tends to lead to a mess afterwards… and, frankly, creating messy-drama is the opposite of learning how to find closure in order to move forward. Write it out, by all means, but put it aside and come back to it a few hours later (or, better yet, a few days later) and decide if it’s really worth sending. My advice is generally to burn the letter (be fire-safe, please!) or to tear it up and flush it down the toilet (hopefully without clogging it!). Frankly, I think it’s rarely ever necessary to actually send the thing, and I say that just based purely on the fact that it’s probably highly unlikely to actually change anything for the better or deliver any kind of real peace of mind that you can’t already give yourself. Make sense? OK, so let’s move on and my next point is… 

Talk about it — and given that I’ve already said we’re aiming to do this in a drama-free way, that doesn’t mean ‘talking’ in the gossiping or moaning and complaining sense; the point I’m making here is to have thoughtful and objective conversations about what you’re feeling with people who can support you and lift you up. That may mean close friends or family members, or for a truly objective conversation you may need to speak with a counsellor or therapist about what you’re feeling (and I say that because friends and family are rarely, if ever, able to remain truly objective simply because of the fact that they have an emotional connection to you, and emotions tend not to be enormously rational and calm!). When you talk about your feelings with trusted people, it’s like writing them out in the sense that it’s an opportunity to express them so you’re not carrying them around with you day in, day out. And if you’ve listened to some of the older episodes of this podcast then you’d be familiar with the fact that my old tagline was “because the more we talk about it, the easier it gets” — and never has a truer word been spoken, especially when it comes to finding closure! Don’t feel that you have to carry this difficult stuff around with you, because you don’t and it feels so good once you’re able to get it off your chest. OK, next…

Forgive yourself — because letting go of resentment and anger can help you find closure and peace. It’s up to you whether or not you choose to forgive the other person, but either way just don’t carry that anger with you and certainly don’t hold on to any anger or disappointment you might feel with yourself for whatever happened or didn’t happen. It’s done, and no amount of beating yourself up will change things. I covered self-forgiveness back in Episode 80 if you’d like to explore that topic in more detail. OK, next… 

Create new experiences and memories for yourself — because old memories can always be replaced with new, better memories! Get involved in new activities and experiences that can help overwrite negative memories and associations related to the past, which can help you redefine your identity and create new memories independent of the specific situation or experience. You can also choose to use this experience as an opportunity to learn and grow, by reflecting on any lessons you can take away from the situation and choosing to work on your self-improvement. One way to do that, and to shift your focus to the future, is by setting new goals and pursuing your passions, which can help you create a sense of purpose and direction and it can also allow you to move forward with a positive mindset. Next… 

Pay it forward — I mean, why do you think I do this podcast?! This is my way of turning one of the worst periods of my life into something meaningful that actually helps other people. You could choose to engage in simple acts of kindness or you can do volunteer work to help shift your focus from your own situation to the needs of others, which can provide a sense of purpose and help you build connections with others in a positive way. And, sometimes, even just sharing your story with others who have been through similar experiences can provide support, understanding, and a sense of togetherness; you might want to consider joining a support group or online forum where you can connect with others who have faced similar situations. OK, next… 

Look after yourself — because if you don’t then who will?! Make time and space for yourself, and include plenty of self-care time in your routine (and if you’d like some simple ways to do just that then I have a digital planner available that can help you improve your wellbeing in less than 15 minutes a day; you’ll find it linked in the episode description and it’s also available on my website).

Summary and Close-Out

Because when it comes to closure and mental health, what it all boils down to is this: Closure plays an important role in your emotional healing, your personal growth, and your ability to build healthy connections in the future. It helps you find peace and move forward from significant events or relationships in your life. Finding closure is a highly individual process, and it’s important to try different strategies to see what works best for you. Remember that healing takes time, so be patient with yourself and don’t try to rush or force closure. Surround yourself with positive influences, and focus on the aspects of your life that you can directly control and improve, and eventually you’ll be able to move forward in a healthy way.

The choice is yours, as it is with all things related to your wellbeing… so, what choice will YOU make today? 

Each week I like to finish up by sharing a quote about the week’s topic, and I encourage you to take a few moments to really reflect on it and consider what it means to you. This week’s quote is by an unknown author, and it is:

“Sometimes the only closure you need is understanding that you deserve better.”

Unknown

Alright… that’s nearly it for this week.

Next week I’ll be talking about coping mechanisms. Whether we’re dealing with challenging times or just day-to-day stress, the things we choose to do to alleviate pressure can have a huge impact on our mental health and general wellbeing… and, unfortunately, more often than not we tend to choose unhealthy coping mechanisms to deal with whatever we’re dealing with. So next time I’m going to be talking about what coping mechanisms are, why being thoughtful about how you cope with issues matters, and how to choose healthy coping mechanisms. 

I hope you’ll join me for that episode which will be released on Sunday the 14th of May, 2023. Make sure you hit ‘follow’ on your preferred podcast platform to stay up-to-date with new episodes.

You can catch a mini video version of this episode, focused on how to find closure, on Spotify and YouTube.

And if you’d like more tips to help you look after your mental health then sign up for my free newsletter Thursday Thoughts plus follow my two Instagram accounts, @ltamentalhealth and @itsjeremygodwin, where I post extra content daily. And become a supporter on Patreon for exclusive extra content plus early access to episodes. You’ll find all of those linked in the episode description and in the transcript at letstalkaboutmentalhealth.com.au.

Thank you very much for joining me today — look after yourself and make a conscious effort to share positivity and kindness in the world, because you get back what you put out. Take care and talk to you next time!

Jeremy 🙂

Let’s Talk About Mental Health is an independent program proudly produced by Reconnaissance Media, helping you find gratitude and meaning. For more information visit reconnaissancemedia.com

Special thanks to my wonderful supporters on Patreon for helping support my work (in alphabetical order): Agustina, Amanda, Bill, Brittnee, Carol, Charlie, Dario, Delilah, Florentyna, Iain, Isabel, Janis & Steve, Jaslyn, Jasmine, Julio, Kaiulani, Karen, Laila, Lara, Lenka, Leon, Maya, Michael, Michelle, Monique, Monte, Nikki, Rachel, Rhonda, Richard, Roxanne, S. L., Sonia, Susan, Tatiana, Terri, Vanessa, William, Yana — your support is greatly appreciated and it helps me to keep creating my content!

For a small monthly amount, you too can become a supporter on Patreon and access exclusive content while also supporting my work; click here to find out more.

Did you like what you just read? Then please share this with someone who might appreciate it, like a friend, family member, or coworker… because word of mouth helps other people to find Let’s Talk About Mental Health! Thank you 🙂

Find more content at www.letstalkaboutmentalhealth.com.au

Let’s Talk About Mental Health.
Simple ideas for better mental health.

Let’s Talk About Mental Health. © 2023 Jeremy Godwin.

The information provided in this episode is for general awareness on the topic and does not constitute advice. You should consult a doctor and/or a mental health professional if you are struggling with your mental health and wellbeing. You’ll find additional information on the Resources page of this website.