What impact do difficult parents have on your mental health? Why can our relationships with our parents be a real struggle sometimes? And how do you navigate through a difficult relationship with one or more parents, while also taking care of yourself and your needs?
That’s what I’m talking about this week here on Let’s Talk About Mental Health — the weekly podcast that makes mental health simple. So, get comfortable, and let’s talk!
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Read the full episode transcript:
This podcast episode was originally released on 3 March, 2024.
This episode contains references to emotional and physical abuse. Listener discretion is advised.
Hello and welcome to Episode 221 of Let’s Talk About Mental Health, and thanks for joining me as I talk about difficult parents and mental health!
I’m Jeremy Godwin, and this isn’t your regular podcast full of interviews and random opinions. I’m a mental health counsellor and writer, and each week I look at one specific aspect of better mental health and I share simple and practical tips you can apply immediately, all based on quality research and my own experience of learning to live with anxiety and depression after a breakdown in 2011 that changed my life.
In this episode I’ll be talking about what difficult parents are, why they have such a big impact on us, and how to manage your mental health if you have difficult parents.
So, let’s talk!
Introduction
If you’re new here then, hi, I’m Jeremy Godwin and I have a lot of emotional baggage when it comes to both of my parents; my Dad left when I was seven and got himself a replacement family, then did the whole clichéd ‘homophobic father rejecting his son’ thing in my teen years, and my mother was physically and emotionally abusive, to the point that I was terrified of her… so I’m a bit of a walking bucket of trauma when it comes to those two, even after years of therapy (I’m definitely better than I was a decade ago, but it’s still a work in progress since those two really did a number on me).
Now, if you have a lovely, supportive, nurturing relationships with your parents then you’re going to find this episode hard to relate to (but then again, no offence, I find your situation hard to relate to, so we’re even!); the number of times I’ve talked to people about my messed-up parent relationships and received blank stares, or “yeah but they’re your parents, surely it can’t be that bad”… ummm, can’t be that bad? Dude, I play down how bad it is because people can’t handle even the tip of the iceberg, let alone the full Titanic special lurking beneath the surface!
Look, I get it; if you’ve experienced mainly love and kindness then of course it’s hard to relate… but there are, unfortunately, many of us who have suffered in our relationships with one or both parents, and it’s a real journey to work through the impact of all the messed-up and traumatic feelings that we wind up with (well into adulthood; it doesn’t just magically heal because you’re of legal age or you move out of home). It’s confusing and heartbreaking, and it certainly doesn’t help when you see positive examples of parents in the media, online, and in the real world, and find yourself wondering why you drew the short straw and ended up with a toxic parent (or parents) who make Joan Crawford in Mommy Dearest look like a sweet and cuddly mother figure (just as long as there are no wire hangers… sorry, I couldn’t resist!).
If you’ve ever felt rejected, ridiculed, disrespected or tormented by one or more parents (or parental figures) then today’s episode is all about helping you to understand that there’s nothing wrong with you, and you absolutely can and will learn how to heal with those three most-important ingredients necessary for true healing: time, effort, and perseverance… and I’ll talk you through how to do that shortly.
Let’s first go through some definitions so we’re on the same page, and let’s talk about…
What are difficult parents?
And, just to state the obvious, it’s where you have a relationship with one or more parents (or parental figures) that feel challenging and hard to manage, and maybe even one that’s fraught with emotions.
When we talk about ‘difficult parents’ we’re venturing into a territory that’s as vast and varied as personal relationships themselves, because every situation is unique. Broadly speaking, I’m referring to parental figures whose behaviours or attitudes create significant challenges or stress in their children’s lives (regardless of the age of their offspring; parents can still wield a strong influence over their fully-grown adult children!). So… this could manifest through a range of actions, from overly critical attitudes and unrealistic expectations to more severe forms of emotional or even physical neglect or abuse.
Having a difficult parent doesn’t come with a one-size-fits-all description, because the dynamics and impacts are deeply personal. For some of us, it might mean navigating a relationship with a parent who is constantly dissatisfied or openly critical, no matter what your achievements are or the effort you put in. For others, it can involve more severe situations, such as dealing with a parent suffering from mental health issues, substance abuse, or those who are emotionally unavailable.
From a mental health perspective, the influence of difficult parents can be profound and far-reaching. During your formative years, your interactions with your parents significantly shape your sense of self, your belief systems, and how you relate to others. Negative experiences can lead to a wide range of mental health challenges, including anxiety, depression, low self-esteem, and difficulties in forming healthy relationships. The echoes of these challenges can follow you well into adulthood, affecting your professional life, your friendships, and how you parent your own children (if you have them).
Beyond that, it’s important to understand that the impact of difficult parents isn’t just about those who are physically present in our lives. Even if there’s physical distance or no contact at all, the psychological and emotional imprints can remain, influencing your behaviours, decision-making processes, and how you view yourself and the world around you.
However, it’s also empowering to recognise that while we may not have had control over our early environments, as adults, we have the capacity to seek understanding, healing, and growth; in short, we’re finally in full control… and that means we can make choices that serve to protect us, and to meet our needs. And some of those choices are tough; for example, reducing or terminating contact with a parent definitely isn’t easy… but, for some of us, it becomes a necessary choice in order to protect ourselves from further harm and trauma. I mean, the fact is that you’re not obligated to have a close relationship with anyone, including your parents, and as you grow older I think you begin to realise, more and more, that any relationship that doesn’t involve respect and genuine kindness is just going to wind up doing harm to you over and over again, so sometimes tough choices have to be made in order to keep yourself safe.
Look, exploring the challenges you have with one or more parental figures isn’t about assigning blame, but rather about understanding their impacts on you and then working towards a healthier and more self-aware version of yourself.
OK, so now let’s talk about…
Why difficult parents have such a big impact on us
And I think that, really, it’s because the trauma associated with challenging or toxic relationships with one or more difficult parents can, and probably will, follow you around for a long time… and manifest in many, many ways.
In my case, it led to years (decades, actually) of not feeling good enough. It led to over-using alcohol to overcome my crippling shyness in social settings, which in turn led to a serious problem with alcohol in my 30’s and early 40’s. It led to using food as an emotional coping mechanism, something I’m still struggling with now. It led to so many choices being made based on trying to gain acceptance from others, even if they weren’t necessarily the healthiest of relationships. I’m fortunate that I have a loving and supportive partner, and we’ve been together for 28 years, but the first few years were rough and I was a total mess; even now, I still sometimes have to catch myself to stop from taking a minor disagreement and over-inflating it in my head, or allowing myself to feel rejected or not valued (since that’s just not the case).
Actually, I’m going to tell you something I’ve never said out loud to a single soul, not even my therapist: for the first couple of years of my relationship with my partner, I would often wonder if he was with me for a joke… because I just didn’t think I was loveable. How messed up is that?! How sad is that?! Obviously I was fairly young (we started dating when I was 19), so I was still waist-deep in all the shenanigans and mess that went with both of my parents, since my Dad didn’t pass until I was 23, but I also wasn’t even remotely equipped to begin processing all the trauma I’d experienced (and suppressing it for years is one of the main things that led to my breakdown in 2011, so please let that serve as a not-so-gentle reminder to you to confront your demons and do the work sooner rather than later… because ignoring it only makes things worse!).
The impact that difficult parents have on us and our mental health is profound, and it stems from several deeply rooted psychological and emotional factors. At the heart of it, our parents are our first major relationships in life; they’re our primary caregivers, our initial source of love, safety, and understanding of the world. This foundational role means they have a significant influence on our developing sense of self and our mental and emotional well-being.
From a young age, we’re like sponges, absorbing everything around us. The way our parents interact with us teaches us about trust, security, self-worth, and how to manage emotions. Difficult parent-child dynamics can instil negative patterns, like fear of abandonment, feeling unworthy of love, or difficulty in expressing our emotions in a healthy way. These early lessons have a huge impact on us, and they become the lens through which we view ourselves and the world.
Our parental relationships also often set the stage for our future relationships. If we grow up with critical, neglectful, or emotionally unavailable parents, we might unknowingly replicate these dynamics in our adult relationships, seeking out what’s familiar… even if it’s unhealthy. Alternatively, we might struggle with trust and intimacy because our first models of closeness were so difficult and challenging.
Difficult parents can also significantly impact our self-esteem and identity. Constant criticism, unrealistic expectations, or emotional neglect can lead to deep-seated feelings of inadequacy and low self-worth. As we grow, these feelings can influence our decisions, from career choices to social interactions, and how we handle challenges. It can lead us to develop unhealthy coping mechanisms to manage stress and uncertainty; so while these strategies may serve as survival tools in childhood, they can become maladaptive in adulthood, manifesting as avoidance, substance abuse, or other harmful behaviours as attempts to cope with unresolved trauma or stress.
And, beyond all that, the stress and trauma associated with difficult parental relationships can contribute to a range of mental health issues, including anxiety, depression, post-traumatic stress disorder (PTSD), and personality disorders. The emotional toll of navigating these relationships can lead to chronic stress, which has both psychological and physical health implications.
Look, it’s important to note that the impact of difficult parents doesn’t doom you to a lifetime of struggle. Understanding the source of your pain and the patterns that have shaped you is the first step towards healing. With support, whether that’s through therapy, supportive relationships, or personal growth efforts (or, ideally, a combination of all the above, and more), you can work through these challenges, develop healthier coping mechanisms, and build a healthy and fulfilling life.
So, how do you do all that? Well, let’s first take a quick break to hear from the brands who help me create this show each week…
AD BREAK
And welcome back! Now let’s get into the how-to part of today’s episode and let’s talk about…
How to manage your mental health if you have difficult parents
OK, first, understand that it’s not your fault — you are not responsible for the choices that other people make, regardless of whether you’re a child or an adult. Their choices are their choices. Whether or not they have the ability to show you unconditional love, support, and understanding, is not a reflection of your worth or value as a human being, nor is it an indicator of anything other than that person’s ability to step outside of themselves, and to be more than what they’re programmed to be. We all make choices in life — some of them conscious, and some of them unconscious — and I know from firsthand experience that it feels really personal when one or more of the individuals who are supposed to love and nurture you don’t show up for you in even the most basic of ways in terms of your emotional needs… but that’s not about you. It’s about them, and so you have to be able to separate the person from the parent figure; we’re all human beings, and we all make mistakes (not that that’s an excuse for abuse or mistreatment of any kind, because it’s not), but the fact is that some people just aren’t capable of being who we need them to be, or they make terrible choices, or they aren’t able to see past their own ego or their own focus, and so they make choices that harm other people. It’s hard not to take that on, I get it, but you have no control or influence over whether or not somebody makes the choice to show up for you in the way that you hope they might. That is 100% on them and who they are as a human being, and it has absolutely nothing to do with your value. OK, next…
Process your feelings — acknowledging and working through your feelings and emotions is a fundamental step towards emotional resilience and better mental health, and so this is about recognising and accepting your emotions as valid experiences, rather than dismissing them or pushing them aside. The act of acknowledging your feelings serves as a foundation for understanding your general ‘emotional landscape’ and addressing what lies beneath those emotions. Start by creating a space for introspection, which could be through quiet reflection, journalling, or even speaking with a trusted friend or therapist (and I do strongly suggest working with a professional here, as it’s a lot to unpack and explore). The idea is to explore your emotions, understand their origins, and recognise their impact on your thoughts and behaviours so you can then slowly work through them and find healthy ways to regulate your emotions. Alright, next…
Work on healing your inner child — many issues with difficult parents stem from our childhood experiences. Engaging in inner child work, such as through therapy, journaling, or meditation, can help heal those wounds. It addresses the root of your emotional pain, allowing you to nurture and reassure the part of you that was hurt. Start by reflecting on what you needed as a child but didn’t receive, and explore ways to provide that care for yourself now. Next…
Establish boundaries — setting and maintaining clear boundaries with your parents is crucial; it’s about deciding what types of behaviour you will and will not accept and communicating these boundaries assertively. This helps to protect your emotional well-being and it teaches others how you expect to be treated. You can do this by being specific about what is acceptable and what isn’t, and sticking to these guidelines in your interactions. I talked about how to set boundaries back in Episode 53, so check that out for more. OK, next…
Educate yourself — understanding the dynamics at play in relationships with difficult parents can be enlightening. Read books, listen to podcasts, or attend workshops on family dynamics, narcissism, or emotional abuse. This type of knowledge empowers you by providing insights into your experiences, helping you recognise that you’re not alone and that your feelings are valid. And, next…
Learn to differentiate yourself — differentiation involves seeing yourself as an independent individual, separate from your parents. This is crucial for your mental health because it allows you to make decisions based on your beliefs and values, rather than reacting to your parents’ opinions or expectations. Work on this by identifying your values, beliefs, and goals, and making decisions aligned with them (and you can check out Episode 138 about values for more). OK, next…
Set realistic expectations — look, I don’t think you should give anyone a free pass for poor behaviour… but it’s important to recognise that you’re unlikely to change your parents’ behaviour, only your reactions to it. Setting realistic expectations helps to avoid disappointment and it reduces frustration. Manage your expectations by acknowledging what is within your control and accepting what isn’t. Next…
Be assertive — learning to communicate assertively means expressing your thoughts and feelings confidently and respectfully, without being aggressive or passive. This helps you stand up for yourself and navigate conversations with difficult parents more effectively. Practice by planning what you want to say in advance, using “I” statements to express your feelings, and maintaining a calm tone… and don’t take the bait and wind up in an argument! I covered assertiveness back in Episode 45 if you’d like to explore it further. Next…
Develop healthy coping strategies — and that means to find healthy ways to manage stress and emotions, instead of resorting to negative coping mechanisms; for example, this could include exercise, creative expression, or practicing mindfulness. Strategies like these provide an outlet for your feelings, and reduce the impact of stress on your body and mind; try experimenting with different activities to find what helps you feel calm and centred. Next…
Embrace self-compassion — be kind and understanding towards yourself, and recognise that dealing with difficult parents is extremely challenging. Self-compassion helps to reduce self-criticism, and create a more nurturing inner dialogue. Try speaking to yourself as you would to a good friend, and acknowledging your feelings without judgment. Next…
Practice self-care — and that means making time for activities that nourish your body, mind, and soul, like exercise, meditation, or hobbies. Self-care helps to reduce stress and improve your mood, making it easier to handle difficult situations. Incorporate self-care into your daily routine, even if it’s just a few minutes of mindfulness or a short walk. Next…
Prioritise your own family and relationships — if you have your own family or close friendships, including chosen family, then focusing on these relationships can provide a sense of belonging and support that might be lacking with your parents. Building a healthy, supportive network helps by creating a positive environment that counters the negativity from difficult parental relationships. Invest time and energy in nurturing these relationships, ensuring they are built on mutual respect, love, and support. OK, next…
Limit contact if necessary — sometimes, for the sake of your mental health, it may be necessary to limit or even cease contact with a parent. This is a tough decision but it can lead to significant improvements in your wellbeing, by reducing stress and emotional turmoil. You can do this gradually by taking breaks from communication and seeing how it affects your mental health. Next…
Develop a support system — surround yourself with friends, family members, or support groups who understand and support you. A strong support system offers emotional comfort and practical advice when dealing with difficult parents. You can build this network by reaching out to loved ones, joining support groups, or participating in online communities related to your experiences. OK, next…
Seek professional support — therapy and counselling can provide a safe space to explore your feelings, understand the impact of your childhood, and develop strategies for dealing with difficult parents, and a professional can offer unbiased support and guidance which helps you to heal from past wounds and build your resilience. If your experiences with difficult parents involve trauma, seeking support from a professional who specialises in trauma therapy can be highly beneficial; trauma-informed therapy can help you work through your experiences in a safe and supportive environment. Either way, the piece here is about addressing the root causes of your pain in order to pave the way for healing.
Summary and Close-out
Because when it comes to difficult parents and mental health, what it all boils down to is this: Having difficulties with our parental figures can be harrowing, and it often leads to a lifetime filled with trauma and sorrow if left unaddressed. But the good news is that with time, effort, and perseverance, a greater sense of control and empowerment lies within your grasp. Every action you take, no matter how small, is a stride towards a healthier, more fulfilled life, where your wellbeing is prioritised and your peace of mind is reclaimed. Remember: you’re not defined by your past, but by the choices you make today towards a brighter, more hopeful future.
The choice is yours, as it is with all things related to your wellbeing… so, what choice will YOU make today?
Each week I like to finish up by sharing a quote about the week’s topic, and I encourage you to take a few moments to really reflect on it and consider what it means to you. This week’s quote is by Dr Thema Bryant-Davis, and it is:
“Refuse to inherit dysfunction. Learn new ways of living instead of repeating what you lived through.”
Dr Thema Bryant-Davis
Alright… that’s nearly it for this week.
What are you taking away from this episode? If you’re on Spotify you can answer in the Q&A section below, otherwise you can let me know on Instagram @ltamentalhealth or by commenting on the transcript, which you can have delivered to your inbox each week, along with my newsletter Thursday Thoughts; sign up at ltamh.com or use the link in the episode description. And for more tips follow me on my other Instagram account @itsjeremygodwin, and support my work plus get early access to ad-free episodes on Patreon.
Next week I’ll be talking about cycles. Many years ago, one of the best bosses I ever had told me that situations and types of people have a habit of popping up over and over again in your life until you eventually learn what you need to learn, and move forward… and her words have stuck with me over the years as I’ve seen pattern after pattern repeat itself far too many times! The challenge for each of us is to learn how to see the patterns and, more importantly, figure out how to break the cycle… and so that’s what I’ll be exploring next time. I’ll be talking about what cycles are, why cycles and patterns have such a big impact on our mental health, and how to identify and break cycles in your life.
I hope you’ll join me for that episode, which will be released on Sunday the 10th of March, 2024.
Thank you very much for joining me today. Look after yourself and make a conscious effort to share positivity and kindness in the world, because you get back what you put out. Take care and talk to you next time!
Jeremy 🙂
Let’s Talk About Mental Health is an independent program proudly produced by Reconnaissance Media, helping you find gratitude and meaning. For more information visit reconnaissancemedia.com
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Let’s Talk About Mental Health.
Making Mental Health Simple.
The information provided in this episode is for general awareness on the topic and does not constitute advice. You should consult a doctor and/or a mental health professional if you are struggling with your mental health and wellbeing. You’ll find additional information on the Resources page of this website.
