By Jeremy Godwin
What are standards? How do you set reasonable standards for yourself and for others? Why do healthy standards matter? And what’s the relationship between your personal standards and mental health?
That’s what I’m talking about this week here on… Let’s Talk About Mental Health — the weekly podcast about looking after your wellbeing, with simple ideas you can put into practice immediately. So, get comfortable, and Let’s Talk About Mental Health…
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This podcast episode was originally released on 15 January, 2023.
Hello and welcome to Episode 162, and thanks so much for joining me as I talk about standards and mental health!
I’m Jeremy Godwin and I help you improve your mental health, with simple tips you can put into practice immediately. All of my episodes are based on both quality research and my own personal experience of learning how to live with anxiety and depression following a breakdown in late 2011. Each week I look at how to improve one specific aspect of your wellbeing.
In this episode I’ll be talking about what standards are (and what they are not), why taking a balanced approach to your personal standards matters, and how to manage your standards in a more thoughtful way. So, let’s talk about standards!
Introduction
If the hysterical news media is to believed, 2022 was the year we threw all of our standards out of the window and descended fully into ‘goblin mode’ (which is a term that nobody in the history of the world has ever used in normal conversation, and yet it somehow found its way into becoming the Oxford Dictionary’s Word of the Year for 2022).
I think it’s fair to say that the standards we set for ourselves and for others are highly personal and they’re relative to what we value as well as whatever is going on in our lives and yet it’s through the choices we make about how we conduct ourselves, as well as what we expect from other people, that serve to shape how we move through this world one day at a time, one interaction at a time.
Let me say upfront that you might hear some people criticise others for being demanding, however I don’t actually think that high standards are a problem (which will come as no surprise to anyone who has ever worked with me or for me in the past); where I do think the issue lies is whether or not those standards are impossibly high… but I’ll come back to that shortly.
First let’s get ourselves on the same page about what I mean when I’m talking about standards, and let’s talk about…
What are standards?
And the Oxford Dictionary defines it as “a level of quality or attainment” as well as “something used as a measure, norm, or model” — which, quite frankly, doesn’t really meet my standards of defining something in simple and practical terms, but hey… there you go!
When I’m not criticising the dictionary, I spend a lot of my time working with clients one-on-one and talking about the expectations we put on ourselves and on other people, and I can tell you hand-on-heart that a vast majority of the conflicts we have with one another are because our standards are too high (like expecting someone else to be perfect or being able to read your mind) and I’ll also go so far as to say that a lot of the struggles we face with our self esteem and sense of self worth come back to holding ourselves to ridiculously-high standards that border on self-abuse sometimes; I’ve done it to myself on a regular basis and fallen into the trap of trying to be all things to all people, and it’s taken a lot of work for me to start to feel more comfortable making my peace of mind a priority over agreeing to anything and everything that’s asked of me.
The ideal is for the standards you expect from others and from yourself to be reasonable and realistic, but as I’m sure we all know that is not always the case; often we can find ourselves setting them too high or too low. Let’s explore what that means for a moment.
Thinking about what you expect from others, it’s more than fair (in my opinion at least!) to expect that they will treat us with respect and fairness; beyond that, however, we may be very demanding and have high expectations, or maybe we go the other direction entirely and are quite passive, allowing others to show up with us and for us in whatever way suits them, regardless of what we need. Both high expectations and low expectations can eventually lead to resentment, arguments and unresolved conflict, and so our goal is to find a healthy balance in our approach (which I’ll come back to in a moment).
For the standards we set for ourselves, I’d say it’s perfectly reasonable to want to do well and be a ‘good’ person (whatever that means to you; for me it means doing no harm, being kind and giving more than I take); however if you set your standards too high then you’re likely to spend most or all of your time punishing yourself for not achieving some unattainable ideal of perfection that only exists in your mind, or if you set your standards too low then you’re probably only going to rarely drag yourself off the couch to go out in the street and steal candy from babies (or maybe you’ll go into politics, because most politicians seem to have fairly low standards when it comes to ethics and morals!). Either way, you’re probably not going to feel great about yourself and you’re likely to push people away.
So that then leads me to the next part of this episode…
Why taking a balanced approach to your personal standards matters
And here’s why it matters: because balance is where peace of mind is to be found. And I don’t know about you, but I really like peace of mind.
It may come as a surprise to absolutely nobody who has ever listened to an episode of my podcast in the past that I am a big advocate of finding balance in all things, and it’s no different when it comes to your standards: set them too high and you’ll be setting yourself up for failure (or at least a lot of stress), set them too low and you’ll be walking around the streets with food all over your face while you communicate through a series of grunts and groans.
I mean, look, the version of me that exists on the weekend is definitely different to the version that I adopt during the week when I’m working — during the week I won’t even take the bins out to the street without being properly dressed, whereas on the weekend I look like roadkill — but my point (assuming there is one!) is that there is a healthy balance to be found in all things, and in this case that balance is about setting reasonable standards for yourself and others.
So what is ‘reasonable’ when it comes to standards? For me, at least, it’s about being fair, sensible and realistic, and it’s also about choosing to do no harm — to others or to yourself — while also recognising that we’re all unique individuals, and so how I might do something is not necessarily the same as how you might do it, or the next person, and that doesn’t make it ‘right’ or ‘wrong’; it just makes it different. It is absolutely possible to arrive at the same destination by taking different directions; sure, some routes might take longer… but it’s not my job to tell others how to do what needs to be done. I’m interested to know what ‘reasonable standards’ means to you; if you’re listening to me on Spotify you’ll see there’s an option to leave a comment about the episode so feel free to let me know there (please note that your comment may be pinned and publicly viewable), or you can let me know on Instagram @ltamentalhealth (and that’s linked in the episode description).
For me, being reasonable is a big part of the idea of having healthy standards of yourself and of others — let me explain why, starting with yourself.
If the standards you hold for yourself are too low or too high, you’re going to end up feeling awful about yourself in the long term and you’re likely to have issues with your mental health. You know, in the early days of this podcast I used to edit the audio myself (now I have a great editor who does it for me every week), and I would sit there for four or five hours going through it second by second and pulling out even the slightest noise, as well as every single instance of my breathing. I mean, seriously? Breathing? Like it’s a surprise that I breathe? Somehow I had gotten it in my head that my audio had to be perfect and that that meant removing any sounds that weren’t part of the content, and that meant I used to find myself spending most of the day on a Sunday editing and being exhausted once it was finally done (I also wasn’t great at working ahead back then, and I’d often be editing up until just a few hours before the episode was due to be released). Now I’ve stopped being so hard on myself and I’ve also made life easier by setting a non-negotiable that I have to be working on episodes two weeks in advance, so I don’t have that last-minute rush-and-panic anymore.
And then, using that same example as a way of looking at the standards we have for others, when I first started working with my editor there was a part of me that still wanted to have every last breath removed (don’t ask me why; thankfully I’m over it now!), and so I really struggled with the idea of compromising at first… but I did, and I was able to find a much healthier balance in terms of still having high standards but not having stupidly-high standards. I mean, honestly, if you find yourself working to the point of exhaustion to deliver something that is over-the-top in terms of the expectations you put on it (and yourself), something has to give — and if it’s not the standards, then it just might end up being your sanity that gives!
Standards that are set too high for yourself will damage your mental health, because you’ll fall short and that will make you feel bad about yourself. On the other hand, having low standards will also damage your mental health because you won’t have any real kind of motivation or drive to make progress in your life.
And then standards that you set too high for others are going to cause issues for your mental health because you’ll be likely to (a) piss people off and (b) push people away (because, funnily enough, people really don’t like being criticised on an ongoing basis!). And standards that you set too low for others will also create problems for your mental health because that means you’re giving people free rein to treat you as they wish, which probably isn’t going to lead to particularly-great outcomes (and that’s just a nice way of saying “it’s probably going to result in them treating you like crap” — not sure why I didn’t just come right out and say it immediately, but we got there in the end!).
So how do you do all of that? How do you find a more balanced and considered approach to the standards you set for yourself and the standards you set for others? Well, let’s get into the how-to part of this episode and let’s talk about…
How to manage your standards in a more thoughtful way
To begin with, think about what you want out of life — because if you don’t know what direction you want to head in, it’s easy to wander through life aimlessly getting distracted by all of the bright and shiny temptations that are not necessarily going to be healthy or in your best interests. Don’t get me wrong, I’m not some boring person who never has any fun but I also am far enough along into my journey to know from firsthand experience that so many of the things we allow ourselves to do, and that we permit from other people, are just not good for us. That doesn’t mean you can’t have fun, because you can, but it’s about finding a healthy balance in all things (and bear in mind that ‘balance’ and ‘moderation’ will look and feel differently from person to person, and from situation to situation). Take the time to really consider what you want out of your life in the long term and then that’s going to help you to think about what you expect from yourself and from the people around you. Please note that I’m not suggesting you need to have everything perfectly mapped out — at this point I couldn’t tell you what I’m doing next month, let alone next year — but you can have a broad idea of where you’re heading without then going into micro-management mode and trying to map out every little detail (which never works anyway, because life throws challenges at you faster than trends come and go on social media). I actually explored this in much more detail last week in Episode 161 about progress, and so that will help you to dig deeper into what you want out of life. OK, next…
Think about what you want and what you need — and be mindful that those are often two very different things; just because you want something, that doesn’t necessarily mean that it’s what you need or what is right for you! So the reason why I’m suggesting you start here is that we all have basic needs in life, and whether or not your needs are being met can go a long way towards influencing how you feel about others and how you feel about yourself. When you feel like you’re on track with what you need, you tend to be more self confident and more capable of recognising your self worth… whereas if your needs aren’t being met or are being ignored (either by yourself or others) then it’s possible you could compromise your standards or you could go entirely in the other direction and set them too high as a kind of shield or wall to keep the world out. Any time I’ve ever compromised my standards (which I have) it’s been because I haven’t been honest with myself about what I actually want and need. I talked about how to do that in Episode 137 about needs, and I also covered the future in Episode 100, and I encourage you to check those out if you haven’t already. OK, next…
Think about what you accept from others and from yourself — because what you accept is what you will get. For example, if you’re dealing with someone who only bothers to contact you when it’s convenient for them or when they want something, you can either call that behaviour out in a calm and rational way, and be honest about what you want and need, or you can let it slide; however, I think we both know that if you let it slide then you’re going to keep on getting more and more of the same. Nothing changes if nothing changes, and so you need to be conscious of what you might be allowing into your life if you’re not prepared to assertively address issues. And yes, the same does go for yourself: if you know you need to sort out your health and yet you allow yourself to keep on making choices that go against that, then either you do something constructive to address the issue, or things just continue as they are, or become worse, which is likely to be more and more damaging and destructive over time. Look, don’t set your standards so high that nobody will ever achieve them (yourself included), but don’t set them so low that you invite trash people into your life or where you allow yourself to behave like a five year old locked overnight in a candy store! OK, next…
Identify your non-negotiable standards — or you might consider these your ‘deal breakers’; these are the things that you absolutely and positively will not allow yourself to tolerate anything less than. This is about being clear on what your priorities are and your values so that you can make an honest assessment of what matters most to you. When we’re talking about our relationships with other people, a lot of us might think about our ‘non negotiables’ as being things like respect, honesty and trust, and then for yourself it might be things like accountability, honesty and integrity. I’d suggest checking out Episode 138 (about values) where I go into more detail about how to do all of that. OK, next…
Focus on your own intentions — because our intentions play an important role in determining why we do what we do. Here’s what I want you to focus on over the next month (and I really want you to make a commitment to do this on a daily basis). Each morning (or whenever feels right for you) I want you to take a few moments to repeat this to yourself a few times: “I am not perfect, and that is okay! What matters most are my intentions.” Let’s pick up on that intentions piece a little bit more, because I also want you to consciously think over the next month about what your intentions are behind things; in other words, why are you doing or saying the things that you do and say? Let me explain what I mean. We don’t just randomly do things; we do them because of a whole bunch of different reasons that are often driven by our feelings, emotions and needs. So when it comes to the standards that you hold yourself and others to, it’s really easy to just go with your emotions and not necessarily to think through what’s leading you to feel that way. Rather than just speaking or acting without thought, I’m asking you to use that affirmation as a reminder to consciously spend some time thinking things through before jumping into action. For example, you may find yourself trying to produce a piece of work that is perfect… OK, but what is sitting underneath that attempt to reach perfection? Because you have to know that perfect just doesn’t exist; it doesn’t exist in nature, and it certainly doesn’t exist in the artificial world that we live in! And so, when you put pressure on yourself to try and be perfect, regardless of the fact that you know on some level (at least) that it’s physically impossible to be perfect, what you’re doing is holding yourself to an impossibly high standard, and that almost guarantees you of some level of failure… which definitely is not great for your self worth or your mental health and wellbeing! Does that make sense? And so my piece here is that when you stop and try to understand what’s going on with your intentions and where they’re actually coming from, you’re better able to understand what’s really going on so that you can respond to that. Using that example of trying to be perfect with your work, maybe it’s that you feel you need to be validated by others or perhaps you feel the need to be in control… or maybe it’s both at the same time (I know it often is for me!). When you know that, you can respond to that need more thoughtfully, rather than just going with it and allowing it to create carnage or to overload you with the weight of expectation. OK, that was a long point about focusing on your own intentions, and so my next point is about other people and it is…
Have honest conversations with people about their intentions — and this one is probably going to feel very confronting and uncomfortable for a lot of you, because most of us really don’t enjoy conflict, but hear me out: when you have an issue with someone, instead of just applying a kind-of ‘one size fits all’ response based on your standards I want to encourage you to think about that ‘be reasonable’ thing I said earlier and so let that lead you to ask questions to understand where the person is coming from or why they chose to behave in a certain way. My go-to for this is to ask something like, “I found that quite harsh. Could you help me to understand what you meant by that?” That does two things: first, it calls out the behaviour, and second, it gives them an opportunity to explain, and that allows you to have an honest conversation together about what your standards are and what you will and will not accept moving forward. But I also need to say that the old ‘find balance’ thing applies here as well, and with that in mind my next point is…
Be reasonable but also don’t put up with crap — I feel like we overcomplicate things sometimes and really, for me anyway, having standards just comes down to respecting yourself enough to not tolerate rubbish from other people or from yourself, but also not setting the bar so high that nobody ever lives up to your expectations! Sometimes other people in your life are going to make mistakes. Talk to them to understand their intentions and then act accordingly (if it was deliberate or intentionally-malicious then limit your contact with them; if it was accidental then set clear boundaries and expectations and then give them an opportunity to make it right). And sometimes you are going to make mistakes too. If it’s deliberate or intentionally-malicious then do the work to figure out why and then address it (that may involve getting support from a professional like a therapist, counsellor or coach); if it was accidental then set clear boundaries and expectations of yourself and then give yourself a chance to make it right instead of punishing yourself for making a mistake. In general, I’d say to just aim as much as possible to find the middle ground by being fair and reasonable towards other people, and towards yourself, without tolerating crap, and you’ll be fine.
Summary and Close-Out
Because when it comes to standards and mental health, what it all boils down to is this: If you want to feel more satisfied in life then you need to have better standards, in terms of what you expect from other people and from yourself. Why? Because what you accept is what you will get. Set your standards too low and you’ll find yourself surrounded by people who aren’t kind to you, or you’ll wind up treating yourself poorly, or both. Never settle just for attention or affection. But, at the same time, don’t set your standards so high that nobody will ever achieve them, yourself included. Peace of mind is to be found in finding a balanced approach to the standards you set and maintain for yourself and for other people, and it’s up to you to decide what that looks and feels like based on what you need and what you want in your life.
The choice is yours, as it is with all things related to your wellbeing… so, what choice will YOU make today?
Each week I like to finish up by sharing a quote about the week’s topic, and I encourage you to take a few moments to really reflect on it and consider what it means to you. This week’s quote is by an unknown author, and it is:
“The standards you set determine the life you get.”
Unknown
Alright… that’s nearly it for this week.
Next time I’ll be talking about life. We spend every moment of our days making our way through life, but how much of our time is spent actually living? And what does it mean to truly live? Well, that’s a great big existential question that I’m very much looking forward to exploring in my next episode! So, next time I’ll be talking about what life is, why the way that you approach life matters, and how to live a life that feels more fulfilling and meaningful.
I hope you’ll join me for that episode which will be released on Sunday the 22nd of January, 2023.
You can find many more practical tips to help you improve your mental health in my new book Life Advice That Doesn’t Suck! and in my recent book, Let’s Talk About Mental Health (Volume One) which are both available from Amazon and Apple Books, and visit my website at letstalkaboutmentalhealth.com.au to sign up for my free newsletter Thursday Thoughts for a weekly dose of inspiration.
Support me on Patreon for exclusive extra benefits, including early access to episodes and a weekly worksheet, and follow my podcast on Instagram @ltamentalhealth for bonus content. Plus, check out my other account, @itsjeremygodwin, where I post daily tips for better mental health — and those are all linked in the episode description on your podcast service.
Thank you very much for joining me today — look after yourself and make a conscious effort to share positivity and kindness in the world, because you get back what you put out. Take care and talk to you next time!
Jeremy 🙂
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Let’s Talk About Mental Health.
Simple ideas for better mental health.
Let’s Talk About Mental Health. © 2023 Jeremy Godwin.
The information provided in this episode is for general awareness on the topic and does not constitute advice. You should consult a doctor and/or a mental health professional if you are struggling with your mental health and wellbeing. You’ll find additional information on the Resources page of this website.
