Let’s Talk About… Empathy

By Jeremy Godwin

How can having greater empathy towards others and towards yourself improve your mental health and wellbeing? And how do you do it? That’s what I’m talking about this week on… Let’s Talk About Mental Health — the weekly podcast about looking after your wellbeing, with simple ideas you can put into practice immediately. So, get comfortable, and Let’s Talk About Mental Health…

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This podcast episode was originally released on 2 October, 2022.

Hello and welcome to Episode 151, and thanks so much for joining me as I talk about empathy and mental health!

I’m Jeremy Godwin and I share simple ideas for better mental health. 

I spent most of the 2010’s dealing with severe anxiety and depression, after a breakdown in late 2011, which led me to want to learn more about my mental health… so I went back to school and studied psychology and sociology, and now I share simple mental health tips for how to improve your wellbeing, from someone who actually understands what it’s like to go through mental health challenges. 

Each episode I look at how to improve one specific aspect of your wellbeing. In this episode I’ll be talking about what empathy is (and what it isn’t), why empathy matters, and how to show yourself and others greater empathy. So, let’s talk about empathy!

Introduction

I’ve been talking about your relationship with yourself a lot lately here on the podcast, with recent episodes about finding purpose and metamorphosis, as well as on my YouTube channel, where I now post videos twice a week and I’ve been sharing brand-new tips for topics like priorities, identity and assertiveness (and my channel is linked in the episode description, by the way)… so it seems almost surprising to me that this week’s topic, which was chosen at random nearly six months ago, suddenly seems to be focused on other people instead. However, empathy is as much about your relationship with yourself as it is your relationship with others… and, in fact, this week’s episode is the first of four consecutive episodes about how you choose to treat yourself in order to live a satisfying and positive life because next week I’m covering freedom, the following week I’ll be diving into self-compassion, and the week after that it’s self-acceptance. So, strap yourself in and brace yourself for four weeks of self-loving and self-kindness my friends! Which, to be fair, isn’t really all that different than my business-as-usual approach here on Let’s Talk About Mental Health, but it certainly sounds a lot more exciting when I put it into the broader context like that… doesn’t it?!

Empathy is one of those communication skills that can totally change your interactions with other people, because it’s about your ability to recognise your shared humanity (regardless of the circumstances) and it also speaks to your ability to find a basic connection with others, and a level of understanding for their situation rather than sorrow or sympathy (and I’ll explain the difference shortly). 

And then, beyond your interactions with other people, empathy is something you can (and should!) show yourself on a daily basis. Why? Because there are so many competing priorities in each of our lives, and most of us are just doing the best we can, so we need to show ourselves a little more grace and kindness on a regular basis. Actually, scratch that; we need to show ourselves a lot more grace and kindness on a daily basis! I’ll explain why in a minute, but first let’s get into some definitions and let’s talk about…

What is empathy?

And to start with I’m going to focus on empathy towards others, which the Oxford Dictionary defines as “the ability to understand and share the feelings of another.” 

There’s a quote from a paper written in 1957 by Carl Rogers, a well-known American psychologist, which I’m going to paraphrase slightly (because his focus was on the client, rather than other people in general); the quote is: 

“To sense the [other person’s] private world as if it were your own, but without ever losing the ‘as if’ quality – this is empathy… [to] sense [their] anger, fear, or confusion as if it were your own, yet without your own anger, fear, or confusion getting bound up in it, is the condition we are endeavouring to describe…”

And that was taken from an article about empathy by the Australian Psychological Society, which I’ll link to in the transcript (and that’s available for free in English, Spanish and Italian at letstalkaboutmentalhealth.com.au/episodes, and it’s linked in the episode description on your podcast service; find it here).

There’s another quote about empathy that I came across by the American researcher and author Brené Brown, which is:

“Empathy is simply listening, holding space, withholding judgment, emotionally connecting, and communicating that incredibly healing message of you’re not alone.”

I like that quote because it really paints a picture of what empathy looks and feels like in practice, and most importantly that it’s a way of letting others know that they’re not alone. When we’re dealing with tough and challenging times it can be easy to feel overwhelmed (which was the subject of Episode 147) and so knowing that another person is willing to simply listen, without judgement or prejudice, can make an enormous difference to the way the other person feels about what they’re dealing with.

So what’s the difference between empathy and sympathy then? Sympathy is (and I quote again from the dictionary here), “[having] feelings of pity and sorrow for someone else’s misfortune.” So, the key difference there is about being able to show understanding (with empathy) versus showing someone pity (with sympathy). Now, I have an issue with the idea of pity because I know of very few people in the world who would be happy with others pitying them (in other words, where your situation is seen as being sad and unthinkable); I’m not interested in pity and sympathy, because they just feel negatively-focused and even a bit condescending, but I am definitely a big advocate of empathy as a more positively-focused alternative.

Before I go any further I will note that, in English at least, we use the term ‘sympathies’ as a formal way of expressing sorrow for something that another person is going through (like when they lose a loved one or have some type of accident or misfortune), and that’s a bit of a different story because for most of us the intent isn’t to pity the other person but to show them we care (and to offer someone your ‘sympathies’ is a long-standing formal way of doing that), so that’s not the type of sympathy I have an issue with (although I do think there are less robotic and standardised ways to express it, but that’s just me and my opinions!).  

Empathy involves being considerate of others, being respectful, being thoughtful and being kind, while also being sensitive to the needs and perspectives of others (even if you don’t agree with them). For example, there was a lot of debate on social media (surprise, surprise!) about the different reactions to the recent passing of Queen Elizabeth II, ranging from sorrow to indifference to outrage that so many countries would be devoting so much time, energy and money to the death of one person (and don’t get me started on all of the debate about what she represented). Whatever your beliefs, we’re all entitled to our perspectives and so showing kindness towards others and allowing them the freedom to have their own perspective — provided that they show the same courtesy to others — is what empathy is all about in practice. For the record, I’m neither a monarchist nor a republican (bearing in mind that Australia is still a constitutional monarchy, and so the Queen was our Head of State), and while I have issues with the nature of monarchy in general I also have enormous respect for Queen Elizabeth and how she managed to modernise the institution throughout her 70-year reign… but that’s not enormously relevant to today’s discussion about empathy, only to demonstrate an example of where I feel like finding balance in all things is possible (as I discussed back in Episode 49, about finding balance). 

So what about empathy towards yourself? If empathy towards others involves being considerate, respectful, thoughtful, kind and sensitive to their needs and perspectives, what about self-empathy? It’s the same. Surprise! I honestly don’t think it needs to be any more complicated than that. I talk a lot on this show about doing no harm, being kind and giving more than you take, and I make the point whenever I bring up those three mindsets and behaviours that they’re a guide for how you interact with others as well as how you treat yourself. Why would you be kind to others without also being kind to yourself? Why would you knowingly and willingly do harm to yourself? And why would you give, give, give to others without also giving to yourself? Treat yourself as you would want others to treat you and focus on finding balance in all things, people!

OK, so now let’s talk about…

Why empathy matters

And I feel like this is going to be one of those episodes where I state the obvious and then put an extra-positive spin on top of it… so here we go: empathy matters because how you treat others, and how you treat yourself, will have a direct impact on the quality of your relationships with others and with yourself. When you are kind, considerate, respectful, thoughtful, courteous and sensitive to others and to yourself, life feels a whole lot more satisfying because you’re leading from a place of positivity… and, as I say at the end of every episode every week, you get back what you put out! 

And beyond the positive benefits of showing others and yourself greater empathy and kindness, it makes it a lot easier to tackle difficult conversations if and when they arise (let’s be honest here and say ‘when’ they arise, because we usually need to have at least one difficult conversation with someone every now and then!). Empathy is a way of being more compassionate, especially if you’re trying to figure out how to show someone you care without falling into the trap of showing them pity or sorrow for their situation (because there’s a huge difference between empathy vs sympathy). 

When we show someone sympathy, it’s kind-of like focusing all of our energy and attention on whatever the person is going through which disregards the entirety of who they are; it’s usually well-intentioned, but I doubt many people want to be defined by their tragedy or their circumstances. Empathy, on the other hand, recognises that the situation is the issue, not the whole person; we can demonstrate understanding and let the person know we’re there for them if and when they need something, or even just be someone to talk to where they can feel understood and listened-to. Sympathy focuses on the negative, whereas empathy is more positive in nature.

The same concept applies to showing empathy towards yourself; instead of wallowing in self pity (which makes it harder and harder to see a positive way forward, because all you can see are problems and issues), showing empathy towards yourself allows you to recognise that the situation or circumstances might not be the greatest (and they might even be downright-terrible) but you recognise that all storms eventually pass and that only focusing on the issue is not going to help you to find practical solutions in order to improve your situation; whether you look for problems or look for solutions, what you seek is what you will find.

So how do you do all of that? Is empathy learned and can you learn how to care more about others and yourself? Well, spoiler alert, the answer to both of those questions is yes, you can learn to be more empathetic, so let’s jump now into the how-to part of this episode and talk about…

How to show yourself and others greater empathy

OK, so bearing in mind that I mentioned earlier that I’ll be covering freedom, self-compassion and self-acceptance over the next few episodes — all of which play a huge role in learning how to consistently treat yourself with kindness and empathy — today’s how-to is going to lean fairly heavily on how to show others empathy, since they’re also things that you can do to be more empathetic with yourself, with a few notes scattered throughout about how it may or may not differ when it comes to the way you treat yourself. 

OK, first, understand that everyone’s perspectives and reactions are different — because let’s not even try to pretend that we’re ever going to agree on everything or handle things the same way; we’re not. There are nearly 8 billion of us on this planet and we all have our own unique life experiences and our own core beliefs that influence who we are and how we view the world, and so we’re all going to think about things from our own perspective which will lead us to react or respond accordingly. And don’t even get me started on the biases we all have, because I’m telling you now that we all have them even if we don’t admit them to others or even to ourselves. For example, we’re now deeply in the ‘learning to live with it’ stage of the pandemic and that’s been really interesting to observe, at least on a sociological level, because everyone has handled it in their own way. Here in Australia the focus moved a while ago onto personal responsibility and so wearing masks indoors is ‘strongly encouraged’ but has not been mandated for quite a while now. That means that some people have abandoned masks altogether, some still wear them everywhere, and others still wear them in enclosed spaces where it’s not possible to keep a distance (like in the supermarket). I am one of the very few people who chooses to wear one indoors when I’m out shopping, and although I do not judge others who don’t wear a mask I can definitely tell you that I’ve had more than my fair share of weird looks from people but I really could care less; just when I was going to stop wearing them, I saw someone at the supermarket sneeze into their hand and then grab the handle of their trolley and frankly that was me completely done with any idea of relaxing my standards… some people are gross, and I’m not getting sick because of someone’s lack of basic hygiene! Anyway, was there a point here? Maybe? Probably! The point is that we’re all going to make our own choices and have our own way of reacting to things; you may not like it or agree with it, but provided it doesn’t do you harm then choose to be kind and understanding. OK, next… 

Talk to other people — and by this I mean all kinds of other people, not just those that are the same as or similar to you! Look, it’s no secret that I’ve been using this podcast as a platform to gently (or not-so-gently) spread the message that we need less judgment and more kindness in the world; to quote the 1965 song performed by Jackie DeShannon, “What the world needs now is love, sweet love, no not just for some, but for everyone,” (and I’m not singing that because I have too much empathy for you and I’m not going to put you through that noise!). We’re never going to agree 100% of the time but that doesn’t mean that we can’t learn about different ways of living and being in order to find a sense of empathy and connection towards others, as well as a deeper sense of ourselves as human beings and how our own unique attributes contribute to the wider world (while also challenging our negative beliefs and biases). When you communicate with others, you learn — and knowledge creates understanding. And speaking of communication, my next point is… 

Have quality communication with the people in your life — whether that’s with family, friends, co-workers, neighbours, that random person you see once a month when you go to a social event… quality communication means asking questions and being genuinely interested in the answers, listening without interruption, and being fully present when you talk with others (rather than allowing yourself to be distracted by your phone or the television). More than anything it’s the ‘ask questions’ tip that I think is most important, because that’s how we learn; if you don’t ask, you won’t know (just be considerate about how you ask, especially if it’s a sensitive subject). And that leads to my next point…

Be aware of body language and tone — and by this I mean yours as well as theirs. When you’re communicating with someone, we read a lot of information from the way you move your body, the expressions on your face, and your tone of voice; sometimes you can learn a lot more about how someone really feels from these non-verbal clues than you can from the words coming out of their mouth. I talked about this in a lot more detail in Episode 134, about communication, but the short version is to be conscious of the clues someone is giving you through their physical responses; if they tense up then it’s a clear sign they are uncomfortable, for example, so be respectful. Empathy really is just about taking a few extra moments to be thoughtful and respectful of others, and being sensitive about how you approach challenging conversations or difficult topics (especially if they’re highly personal or delicate in nature). OK, next… 

Learn to be more empathetic — because you really can learn how to be more compassionate and kind towards others! And no, you don’t need to go and do a course or read a book on it… just start by thinking about how you can treat other people kindly, fairly and equally (and I covered kindness back in Episode 41). How you treat others has a direct effect on how they treat you, because you get back what you put out, so if you want healthier and more positive relationships then learn how to be more empathetic and how to care more about others. One way you can do that is with my next point…

Be curious and open to new ideas — because you have a very particular view of the world based on your life experiences and beliefs (and I talked about beliefs in Episode 141), and all of that ties into your sense of personal identity (which I covered back in Episode 30 and also in a recent video on my YouTube channel, which I’ll link to in the episode description and the transcript; find it here). When you learn new things and different ways of being, your eyes are opened to other ways of thinking about things and you begin to understand that there really is no such thing as a ‘right’ or ‘wrong’ way to live your life; it’s all about how you approach life and what you put out into the world, rather than a specific set of rules or structured practices that you have to follow. I’ve said it before and I’ll say it again: I have three basic practices that work for me and they are: do no harm (to others or to yourself), be kind (to others and yourself), and give more than you take (from others and from yourself). Oh, and I do have a fourth one: don’t be a dick! That one works pretty well and covers a whole bunch of things to help you be a half-decent human being, and it also helps you learn how to be more compassionate. Another way to do that is with my next point…

Try new things — because when you push yourself out of your comfort zone and have new experiences it can help you find new ways of looking at the world. I talked about how to do that in Episode 144, about capability and learning, so check that out for more. OK, next… 

Be genuine and authentic with others (and yourself) — because given a choice between being your true self versus trying to be something or someone that you’re not, hopefully you’ll see that only one of those options is going to lead you to feel satisfied in life! And when you feel more satisfied and secure in who you are (and who you are not), you are much less likely to feel threatened or insecure by other people who live life in a different way to you. And, beyond that, life just feels better when you live it as the truest version of yourself possible; you are a unique individual and it is your uniqueness that is your gift to the world, so why would you try to be someone that you’re not? Be totally, absolutely and unapologetically you and that will lead others to feel a stronger connection with you, because we tend to be able to spot the difference between honesty and fakeness a mile away! OK, next…

Focus more on similarities and less on differences — because we really do have a lot more in common with one another than we might allow ourselves to see sometimes, even if we disagree on certain things, so turn your focus to the more positive stuff. Look, that doesn’t mean that you just have to put up with other people’s opinions if they go against your core beliefs but it also doesn’t mean that you just cancel them; we’re all human and we’re a product of our life experiences and the circumstances we were raised in, and not everyone is going to choose to grow and evolve in the same way that you might… but you shouldn’t just dismiss someone because you don’t agree with them; if we spent more time connecting over our similarities instead of arguing over our differences, this world would be a much more empathetic and peaceful place. And that doesn’t mean you have to put up with things you don’t want to hear or which go against your beliefs; just the other week I had a family member talking to me about their strong opinions on a well-known public figure — opinions I definitely do not share — and rather than getting into an argument with them, I chose to say, “I don’t agree, but let’s talk about something else” — a simple-yet-assertive way of tackling it (and I covered assertiveness in Episode 45 plus I just recently released a video with new tips on being more assertive, so I’ll link that in the episode description). And let me remind you at this point that you always have a choice about who has access to you and who you allow into your life; having empathy for others doesn’t mean that you need to put up with crap! OK, next…

Seek support if you struggle to feel empathy towards others — because it could be a sign of other challenges that you might need some support to work through, so talk with a counsellor or therapist or perhaps consider a support group. 

And you’ll find even more tips on this topic in the shorter video version of this episode on my YouTube channel, and it’s linked in the episode description [NOTE: video not available this week due to technical issues].

Summary and Close-Out

Because when it comes to empathy and mental health, what it all boils down to is this: Empathy is basic kindness. When you show others empathy, you’re recognising your shared humanity. And when you treat yourself with empathy, you’re showing yourself kindness and compassion — two aspects of self respect that are very important if you’re going to learn how to stop beating yourself up for things! Showing true empathy is powerful, because you recognise that doing no harm, being kind and giving more than you take will always lead to healthier relationships and a greater sense of calm and peace of mind in life.

The choice is yours, as it is with all things related to your wellbeing… so, what choice will YOU make today? 

Each week I like to finish up by sharing a quote about the week’s topic, and I encourage you to take a few moments to really reflect on it and consider what it means to you. This week’s quote is by an unknown author, and it is:

“Instead of putting others in their place, put yourself in their place.” 

Unknown

Alright… that’s nearly it for this week.

Next week I’ll be talking about freedom. Aside from being the title of one of George Michael’s greatest songs ever (and, I would argue, one of the best songs of the 90’s), ‘freedom’ is one of the most fundamental aspects of being a human being; it speaks to our ability to think for ourselves and determine our own path in life. So why then do so many of us choose to treat ourselves in ways that involve restrictive patterns of thinking, doing and being? And why can genuine freedom — having freedom from the beliefs and restrictions placed on us by other people and society in general — seem like the most frightening thing in the world sometimes? Well, that’s what I’m talking about next time. I’ll be talking about what freedom is (and what it isn’t), why freedom matters, and how to embrace your own sense of freedom in life. 

I hope you’ll join me for that episode, which will be released on Sunday the 9th of October, 2022. 

Find more mental health tips in my book, Let’s Talk About Mental Health (Volume One), available from Amazon and Apple Books, and on my YouTube channel where I post new videos every Thursday and Sunday.

Visit my website at letstalkaboutmentalhealth.com.au, and sign up to my free newsletter Thursday Thoughts for a weekly dose of inspiration.

Become a supporter on Patreon for exclusive benefits and to help me produce this show, and follow the podcast on Instagram @ltamentalhealth plus check out my other account, @jeremygodwinofficial, where I post daily videos sharing Life Advice That Doesn’t Suck — and those are all linked in the episode description on your podcast service.

Thank you very much for joining me today — look after yourself and make a conscious effort to share positivity and kindness in the world, because you get back what you put out. Take care and talk to you next time!

Jeremy 🙂

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Let’s Talk About Mental Health.
Simple ideas for better mental health.

Let’s Talk About Mental Health. © 2022 Jeremy Godwin.

The information provided in this episode is for general awareness on the topic and does not constitute advice. You should consult a doctor and/or a mental health professional if you are struggling with your mental health and wellbeing. You’ll find additional information on the Resources page of this website.